I’m getting bored again.
I’m getting high again. I’m
finding that this has a lot to do with the season. I can tell that normal men have an outlet for
their flop. I’m unemotional about it
all. I add a little more water,
unmeasured, an estimate, to get the ratio more exact for the coffee I’m
brewing, because apparently I believe that care and meticulousness will occupy
my mind enough to provide that modicum of happiness I think I seek, because
happiness is a chemical balance, obviously.
It’s true, I blame my mental inconsistencies with my desire to control
inputs and thereby direct outcomes. I
need a radical shift in my own consciousness.
Just my own? Nay! Society! Trends in societal consciousness, what
society deems important, and I remain separate.
Banking, commercialism, debt collection, technological ideas of
efficiency like multi-tasking with resultant social anxieties, all these things
put me at a loss. I can only imagine
that the lords of capital keep these distractions out there in order to keep
order and pacify. Power and influence
prevail. Why can’t I stay positive? Why am I bitching? Why can’t I stay on point or on topic? Argh!
I cannot with the struggle and the
nonsensical nature of it all UP SPORT! UP SPORT! Support! Support! Everyone is worried about the next trivial
affair. I can’t focus on the bigger
picture. Can I even GET HIGH anymore? I deserve the whip. I need to take what I can get with a grain of
salt, if I can get salt. I’ve got plenty
of space? Congestion. I’m congested. I need to get clear. I need to get away. I need to learn how to communicate. I need to learn how to network? AYEAYEAYEAYEAYE! I can’t stand it! I need to stand it! I need to learn how to stand what? I need to learn how to stand up for myself? I need to learn how to tolerate something? I need to learn how to tolerate
direction? Whose direction? It just seems that nothing I do corrects the
mental malfunction! Full Metal Jacket? Fuck
my job! Intensify! The problem I have is that I can’t usually
handle the intensity because of something I ate and also I want to gain
weight? Put on muscle. And what am I doing to accomplish this? Not enough.
I’m relying on chemicals to supplement my energy requirements instead of
relying on myself! What is a sure sign
of a successful person? Exercise! What is a key feature of many a New Year’s
Resolution? Exercise! Practice!
Growth! Breakthrough.
I’m
feel good when I maintain forward progress.
I get into trouble when I slow pace to a crawl, so that I play mental
tricks on myself. I forget. I go backwards. I retrogress.
Mentally, I spin in circles. The
mind, made up, and full of blood that circulates and recirculates, and with
each and every recirculation, what? A new idea?
A cell in circulation, in the bloodstream, leaves the mind with a thought
or idea? Not nerve impulses? The age we live in, not one of Newtonian
physicality anymore? The heart a
pump. But we are new beings of light,
made of lighter particles, particles of creation? But does un-recirculated, new creation negate
history? Or is it history, repeated, in
a new light? Does the tilt of Earth’s
axis and the angle of light, along with the chemical constitution of Earth’s atmosphere
effect the quality of written word as it leaves the page? How would the author feel about words twisted? And what about the word of God, twisted? Macro-god and Micro-god: a godless bi-theistic
duality. One of two has to be the Devil,
raging against God, a contest of semi-powers?
One of two has to be half. One of
one has to be whole. Third, quarter,
etc. but where is room for decimation and imbalance in the sample ratios? How would one have reached the new physics of
light without the physics of machination?
But wasn’t God a being or miracles, wonder, and most of all light, well
before the era of industrial mechanization?
Therefore, doesn’t the new particle physics of light mechanize God? Only unto believers of this great unholy un-wholeness! How many angels can ride unicycles on a
photon juggling electrons on atoms? How
many positively charged clowns are in the course of study? Students with blue veins, hearts mechanically
coursing chemically enhanced blood through veins, hell-bent on conquering the
science of light! Obligatory Charge of
the Light Brigade reference, thanks Tennyson, thanks Crimea.
Diffident?
(modest or shy because of a lack of self-confidence) Not me! I just
don’t know anything! And that’s something that I can be confident of, if I don’t
think about my lack of knowledge, and my thoughtless justifications thereof. Bang your head against the ground. Be more modest, my Love, I command thee. Be more retarded, my Love, slow me
physically, and mentally, be my burden!
Be the hilarious misfit piggy of my punk Muppet dream! Be my heteronormative
faggot! Be the bitter bean I chug in the
morning and the sweet grain I sip at night.
Torture me to death and resurrect me, Oh Hell! ‘Is it in the cards?’ as
the gamblers of destiny would say to the fated little one. Continuity is excess factor in the blood. Sexually hybridize! In the new world, America, is the only way to
conquer fear and hate the physical act of love-making? Before the era of industrial mechanization,
love was a matter of miracles, wonder, and most of all, it wasn’t just physical. Love is the wave; form
of light! (Punctuation counts) Have a nice day!
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