Technocratic Tenebra

 A totalitarian technocratic tool of tenebra – the nomenklatura.

Tenebra – profound “darkness” - (in the Roman Catholic Church) matins and lauds for the last three days of Holy Week, at which candles are successively extinguished. Several composers have set parts of the office to music.

L'autèntic drama no habita en el cor de les tenebres, sinó en les tenebres del cor.

Authentic drama doesn't reside in the heart of darkness but in the darkness of the heart.

Nomenklatura - (in the former Soviet Union) a list of influential posts in government and industry to be filled by Communist Party appointees.

Self-respect posits, ‘respect me and I’ll respect you in return!’ Do echelons of superiority eschew this notion? Levels of devotion, objectively quantifiable as production-value, how do power-dynamics evaluate quality of operating-procedure? Diligence precedes the masterpiece, a fully/truly embodied idealized structural presence whose forms’ contents inspire those capable of controlled breathing.

Cigarettes produce a paradox of peace in agitation. So now I want to produce enlightenment exogenously? It feels like what enlightenment could be! Mimicry of inks’ stickiness to tar. My Teutonic tutor, Nietzsche, observes a duality – existential clarity proceeded by e-blindness. Peter’s dream (Acts 10:15) “What God hath made clean, that call no thou common.” Can tobacco be sanctified? Carolinian orthopraxy, if not fetishized – if not made as if into a god unto itself, but kept sacramental – would allow for a Smoky Mountain milieu.

Power cannot exist without resistance! A voice cannot exist without modulation. Chaos prefers silence? Does silence exist when one is unconscious of sound (as in a dreamless sleep)? Since an individual cannot experience the vacuum of space without an artificial exoskeleton, this type of silence is fatal in nature. An astronaut is incapable of experiencing anything outside Earth’s gravity without (explosive) technology, (thus this experience is) outside the reach of ‘normal’ comprehension, thus artifice. True or not, this relies on tools for experiential realization, thus not innate.

Imagining consciousness as a flickering process where imagination fills in blank spaces during moments of enlightenment, where ‘aha moments’ go to touch grass. Let’s have a positive manifestation of an imagined reality where things work out a certain way, and ignore the ‘what if’ column (vertical organizational structure (whose imagined toppling (domino-effect) may be more than metaphorical?)) The litigious deed-checker filed away ‘Jones’, a Jones himself, no relation. More than a mere accountant, this man kept a detailed account of (other people’s) ergonomics (versus economics). This man’s work was more spectacular – it spinal-aligned with God above (and as so below).

My own posture’s nugatory. Because I fail to align myself, I see failure. Because I am easily distracted I fail to align myself (or fail to see how I am in fact perfectly aligned). Extracting a bag of vegetables from the freezer, I become the prince of peas! Am I veering? Desirous of more what? More time on this Earth? My time-aligned posture-duration endures the long-suffering of life on this planet. Patience in dealing with a cloudy-headed feeling, who would miss my most ordinary modes of thinking? As a bird flapping with one wing and as a seahorse on tranquilizers and as an implosive process – addiction, that is, taking down medicine as if it were in fact, food. Because of modern medicine the average age of living might be 100, or how Joe Ben at the cafe would have you think!

More is kept in judgment withheld for fear or another’s thinking, perceiving, but not all truly seeing eye. A fear that seems devastatingly unique, although I also have the perception that it is held in common, that time (my very feelings in this moment) is not to my advantage or somehow conspiring against me! Converting time into money – an inflationary process!

Psychosis as necessitated by circumstance, consequent of having some choice in the matter of being both a being of matter and a being of light, sucked into the inside of a haunted and warped crystal ball. I’m starting to write drunk again.

The organizational structure of Jones, who, more than an accountant, kept detailed records of (other people’s) ergonomics. Economics are mere thought strands in thought bubbles with pounded corners (#). Ergonomics is the real deal. How one sits on a regular basis is more indicative of social posture than anything. A person who slouches at home slouches in public. How one performs in solitude is indicative of his presentation in the outside world. How does imagination precede one’s going out into the world? How one empties one’s mind is indicative of occupation. How one occupies one’s time while outside the watchful gaze (of big brother (if that’s possible (Bob))) which is in fact never absent, only more or less ethereal. How sophisticated is modern surveillance and haven’t the all-fleeing birds always been a witness to something​?

6/30

Had a dream where I had to bore out shapes of increasing complexity into auto-glass (windshield material); circle, triangle, square, pentagon, etc. Then, in a second dream, I was in Wichita to get my car fixed, but they were closing until the next day. I was living in Oklahoma City and I had this fear of getting back because I had left everything open and my crazy ex-girlfriend could easily come and steal everything. I thought about running back, but upon further calculation of distances and my ability to traverse, I decided it would be best to give up hope to God and concede my belongings to the Devil and be real. Let it be and find some sleep. Luckily there was a large, clean waiting room with many friendly, giving people! What a treat!

9/1

Because of Einstein, we know a conservation of mass is a conservation of energy. Those plastic products we waste end up wasting our time and energy, even on an individual basis. In the household, state of disrepair, the matriarch and patriarch take out on the world, the trash. Out of the household, the husband and wife take it out into the world, the trash. King and queen of dishabille reality, born halfway between a marsh and an empty plain, these land fillers are really slow to get up in the morning. That’s about the only thing good you can say about their highness’ is that they take up space. They get in the way. They cause an intrusion. These Biblical ‘stumblingblocks’ of people make up entire political hemispheres. Even what they think about is wasteful. The sheer ingratitude!

Drive-through: express, sudden take-out. Imagine ordering Door-Dash multiple days a week. Imagine the stress and energy that puts on one individual so that you can sit around and wait for something to happen on your big, flashing plastic screen. The fool, out there running errands for a devalued currency, is what she thinks, playing the game differently to the detriment of all who play card-games that are better than “War!” mentally. Such a warlike mentality can wreak havoc on one’s ability to hold thoughts in their head for even a minute! It’s probably vain to think we all aren’t dancing like dunces in some way, so it is important to forgive one another for not dancing like smart people in a row.

Laurels twisted into a pretzel-shape, natural to healthy roots, practicing Zen by maintaining an upright posture and even-breath consciously for a period of time that has yet to be set by an external timer, yet still exists as a consciousness’ duration once one’s mind is put to the task of upright sitting. Sometimes when I sit I wonder if I sit for a sense of superiority that might be obtained through the practice thereof, but right away I know I’m overthinking the practice and under-thinking the posture, which is hard to maintain if the mind wanders too far in any one direction. There is a toppling effect that exists internally like the stumbling-block that does not exist as a physical object in this circumstance (although it can literally be a piece of wood in the way). This is why some people find difficulty in even the simplest of tasks such as sitting since they are just big push-overs. 

[7/11] “But both the diabolic love and the unearthly hate of the mysteries it had penetrated fought for the possession of that soul satiated with primitive emotions, avid of lying fame, of sham distinction, of all the appearances of success and power.” Conrad, J. Heart of Darkness. P110.

One theory (of mine) posits that if one is offended by another’s words, that there is an under-examined elemental truth hidden in the meaning of the offense taken thereof. (As if stolen, a facade of intelligence unearned). If there were no truth, there would be no problem, because there would be no meaning. Those who live fairly meaninglessly, fantasize about existences that are already ours, but they want possession of something yet unapprehended. “Why can I not grasp something seemingly objectively conceptual!?” one asks out loud in the throes of histrionic mathematics. “What is constant is what I can see,” visualizing a flat earth on the coast. On the verge of transcendence, an elderly couple (of locusts) travel to the edge of California for the first time. They visualize a great beyond: the heaven that wasn’t perfectly smooth enough on the middle frontier. They expect those things to fit a rather simplified formulaic (square peg, round hole). When their expectations are naturally frustrated, they often return to comfortable fantasy. As time goes on and truth progresses...

9/22/22

A unique synthesis of boundarilessness and avoidable mistakes despite conceptions of inner righteousness(es) that work most of the time if one can remember what to do in order like a golf-stroke: sudden yet step-wise. Manifold horsepower propels the singularity. Children to impurity? Original sin is a deep-fake, that is, an embedded or ingrained falsehood that more innocent times existed. They did, through naivity, but how could they truly come to adequate realizations without computers? Without high-speed research!? This one generation’s more primitive man - his forms of objectivism didn’t have the added benefit of the tools of panopticism! My own hypocrisy-laden rationales deceive even the more ubermensching kinder among us! “The youth are our future. The youth are our future.” What a hypnotizing mantra!

An imposition of suffering – avoidance of taking one’s medicine. Coincidence seeks a rationale for optimism (obtainable through grace) if not in this life than in the world to come. Synchronicity is just a re-framing of coincidence, as is kismet. They help one seeking to prove that ‘everything happens for a reason’ through empiricism. The greatest trick the devil played was convincing everyone that anecdotal evidence was worthless – and it is to a community of liars! When the entire community is complicit: scapegoats. Our pharmacratic mandates push 99.999% pure horseshit upon entire populations in a globalized community, we conceive of ourselves as all the same in our alienation, our alien-nation racing for Mars.

8/1/22

“Truth doesn’t run on time like a commuter train, though time may run on truth.” Kesey, K. Sometimes a Great Notion. p.14.

At the cafe, across from me, a man on his phone in boots, black sweatpants, black Chicago Blackhawks sweatshirt, black hair, and Native skin, dining, talking about needing a woman and how it’s only natural to lie next to someone (a woman) at night, like it’s good for your nervous-system to be in contact with another human being – apparently death or an advanced form of loneliness awaits one in the recesses of such terminal decay. It’s starting to rain. I love the lushness. Mush-ness. And somehow cleanliness is paramount? There’s always some gaping maw at the dirty disco to fill!

How is controlled walking (a form of mindfulness meditation) akin to a controlled environment? The ability to follow a path, to complete the steps – in order to erect the primitive shelters of mendicants? These dang homeless are everywhere! A place where the climate may be controlled – around a fire, outlawed in public spaces, that burns within each and every one who breathes thus stokes. But no free fires. If the fire – it is to exist at all, it needs be housed in an engine, the easier to meter thou thus tax. Anything that may be counted upon may be levied. Your reliability is a measure of good faith! All the workplace virtues are communistic in practice – a devotion of time and energy for the dream of venture capitalism. We are all encouraged to ‘dream big’ but so much of what is overly complicated and convoluted about the world are the result of too big ambitions. Recognizing elemental differences is such a keen way to divvy up and conquest a wind-farm that serves to break up any obfuscating cloud in our mist. Bellicose fogs be lifted! Where is the checkered flag of terminus? Where is our final indece? Muttering keywords and phrases, searching such and such pages for derailment – if time were to run on truth, how does one stop time?

When there is no true form, only form itself, an awakening being (bodhisattva) comes into existence. Every effort a gesture and every gesture a thing-in-itself. Even if it’s not been learned before, it is nonetheless decipherable in its innateness. Is time ever inert? Judge the dreamless sleeper. Time may not exist equally between the observer and the observed. Empirically, yes; subjectively, no. “How much time has passed?” one dwarf of seven drowsily queries. At the bar, drinking groggily, I attempt to force wakefulness through forcing myself to consume gallons of what amounts to poison in high doses – edging cliffs on a winding drive through a bellicose fog.

8/2

“We do not exist for the sake of something else. We exist for the sake of ourselves.” This matrix observed, as from the outside, is a demarcation of friendship/familiarity that is allowed to be more or less toxic to those involved on account of acceptance of other people’s habits, the visual signifier of belief accounting for ‘who they are’ which we are meant to accept unquestioningly? When one is treated by a physician, one presumably expects to get better, and often this is gradual to the extent one is unconscious of the treatment itself – its overall effects and parameters. This can also be true of the inverse – in the care of what may be called an ‘anti-physician’ in this context – as one who acts upon another as a sucking force that worsens, degrades, or degenerates.

“...to allow each to express his own self most freely.” Suzuki. p.27. When one maintains a practice that follows-the-light let’s say, it allows for others to see that light, be filled by that light, and become less hemmed in! They become a physician by continual/constant effort in one modality in order (although sometimes it may seem disorderly) to maintain purity within oneself which in effect heals those whom one maintains contact with. A sense of tactfulness, “and when he found himself, he found that everything that exists has Buddha nature.” ibid pg28. So that the Buddha sees himself in his surroundings. One can’t help but exert some influence, right?! Breathing the same elemental oxygen Jesus Christ inhaled! May your suffering be the sins of a former self and not a continuation/ perpetuation of peccatum. Catarrh!

“When we practice zazen our mind always follows our breathing. When we inhale, the air comes into the inner world.” ibid p29. Garbage day on N. Main St. and the air is ripe with human refuse. I could go inside, but I choose to observe saṃsāra (“cyclicality of all life, matter, existence.”) Styrofoam and plastic from a family pack of chicken drumsticks in my own waste receptacle draws me in. My eluvial bedrock (Brock) of questionable decisions as it relates to casting my vote with my dollar for what I choose to consume as a matter of convenience outweighing an environmental impact I assume some scientist brighter than I might solve! If it really is that much of a problem, then why is it allowed to be sold in Publix in the first place?! Raised by convenience stores, is it such a bastardized existence?

“We say ‘inner world’ or ‘outer world,’ but actually there is just one whole world.” ibid p29. We say ‘employed’ or ‘jobless,’ but actually there is just one work to do.

Katabasic Aposiopesis, no Espalier

 Through western medicine one seizes divinity?! Coalescence a clog – revelation agog – If only I could receive enlightenment (a transmission through the true dharma eye) I could score opiates?! “Sometimes medicine is necessary, but it should not become our food.” (Suzuki, p79) “If my words are not good enough, I’ll hit you! Then you will understand what I mean.” (p137) Their worry (desire for me/ my goods) brings about suffering, and my (seeming) lack of care brings about their worry. ‘Out of sight, out of mind’ is an apt mantra for those seeking to ‘steer clear’ of the materially possessive.

Accusatory – a cute sit story – she prods – sheep rods; urgently aligning the needful of sheering, the ovine to wool. What occurs passively in nature must be acted upon in its season or else all goes to ruination! Those troglodytes, blind to the seasons, act as though nothing matters (it all means nothing, after all!) No one is interested in aiding and abetting one not needful of help or assistance. What depths of intolerability discipline? Crack rock, apple bottom…

Incapable of relaxation – three days underwater – accidental aquanaut Odjegba Okene. How is one to avoid conflict entirely at sea? Poseidon taketh and giveth according to the inherent will of his domain (minnow care credit, fish school taxes, eel eleemosynary, etc.)

Freedom is not something that is given freely. “Some rule out of a desire to rule; others so as to not be ruled: - to the latter ruling is only the less of two evils.” <DB #181> One freed from one degree of tyranny is often brought unto another tyrannical fold, treated well temporarily as in keeping with structural integrity, before a new oppression makes its demands known. Complete with a lapsed rewards program!

Set sail to the most salient winds of change (not always the more aggressive trade-route (not in opposition to the gods & their seasons)).

“Nostalgia is a limpid and clean pain, but demanding, it permeates every minute of the day, permits no other thoughts and induces a need for escape.” Levi, P. The Truce. P349. Attempting to cope with my permeating need, a categorical imperative, an undeniable call to action. There is uncertainty in my truce. I arrive somewhat bedraggled into this once familiar place. I am entering (yet another) uncertain situation. All of my distractions, all of my care and concerns, all of my alibis as reasons for being this or that existentially crisised creature... I mean, I recognize that ultimately I’m to be judged the fool in this review scenario in the future where my ego meets another’s confusion and then perhaps that confusion is reflected back upon myself and I recognize again that I have no idea of what I am even referring to in my own terms and conditions that may or may not apply as a sample measure. That some mere mortals may be blessed with some superior conditioning, while others are to wile away much of their short lives in some inferior condition. (Active vs. Passive – Free-will vs. Determinism) This appearance on the surface of whatever superior or inferior condition I imagine myself to be in at any given moment can only be felt for what it is as inferior or superior for various different reasons, connecting with where I am...

When I get into this sort of mood, this sort of groove, I start to feel like shuffling and as that desire grows over time I find that my long sit has been to my benefit and that if I were to continue sitting without distraction I might attain an even higher level of satisfaction so there is no reason to rush it! We find ourselves at a disadvantage. Imagining ourselves lagging. Behind what? The march of progress? Forward to where? Betterment of our former selves would be the only true advantage. Those who refrain from pre-conceived notioning master the moment.

When I imagine my own sensual nature diminished on account of diminished accounts I anti-freeze! I ‘get a move on’ because my own sensual nature demands some sort of satisfaction if it is to consider itself of proper functioning especially in relation to other members of my own society who seem to have it all together, relationship-wise. They must have to compromise so much to get where they are in this world, or else choose a certain form of discipline whose functioning is transverse to modulations. It seems odd to live for the satisfaction of another when oneself cannot be satisfied. It seems the primary condition for satisfaction would not be met, that is the imagining of what satisfaction itself might look like, and having it be solely an exterior concept. What one invites into one’s household, like oneself, must be mete.

How argumentative… how getting what you want always has to come from someone else… and how to get it, utilizing others as merely resources meant for targeted exploitation… How to belittle for the purposes of disempowering, utilizing one’s words as a source of dominion over others… Didn’t you agree to such-and-such? How are you going to make these sorts of promises on paper and then go back on them whenever it is convenient? Do you hold nothing providential? Certainly the expense of ink on paper must deplete sound reasoning! Certainly my sound reasoning must deplete with my ink! The masses, gradually hungrier and poorer, are easier to control, in the long run. March! To the beat of sonorous (concrete) jungle greyness. The tanned elephant scrambles through the dense underbrush in search of her wayfaring calf. The bustle of bushes upsets burrowing beetles… I’m giving up because I’ve exhausted my natural knowledge on an utterly unknown subject as pachyderm anatomy.

The dead elephant smells. One cannot hide a rotting corpse. I wish to spend my time more productively, but I also wish to have more energy for my time spent in such a productive manner. The energy primary to production does not always make itself felt, and despite it being an unreasonably subjective excuse for not doing anything of use, is nevertheless used as a way to get oneself out of otherwise unreasonable duty, necessity, or categorical imperative due to dearth which is akin to sickness. Am I accomplishing what I aim to accomplish? How would the whole universe benefit from my overcoming of struggle? As my time requires more and more space to maintain an ever-increasing production capacity, it becomes less and less sustainable for the world. Do I refuse to share with the world or does the world refuses to share with me? Everyone else, whose something I am sucking up to such an extent that the powers-that-be collectively notice with all their unfocused concentration what is changing rapidly, vibrating, and therefore blurry.

Woke up last night thinking about Nietzsche’s “The purification of the race” DB#272 in what is our modern context/lens. How race is both an artificial and a natural construct. Natural in that people from certain lands undoubtedly take on a certain uniformity of appearance. This is the individual against the background of time & place. “Whatever we see is changing, losing its balance. The reason everything looks beautiful is because it is out of balance, but its background is always in perfect harmony.” Suzuki, S. Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind. p.32 What Nietzsche thinks by purification seems to me an ideal of selectivity – where a determinate of race may be strengthened/weakened through cross-breeding. Given the physical circumstances/parameters of certain lands it may be found advantageous or disadvantageous to foster certain ‘fit’ features. This is perhaps just acknowledging the competitive nature of selection in general and migration into and out of certain territories occupied by historical groups/tribes may be encouraged/discouraged in co-mingling – and this may be a traditional role of statecraft – and how segregation may occur by mandate or mores as a particular population’s propensity for alienation of foreign entities newly introduced into a cultural eco-type’s ecosystem, and that includes a historical background.

Segregation doesn’t even appear to be about race as much as about class, that is a separation of rich from poor. A cowardly new world of impersonal transactions – the wizard of Oz (Bezos) behind the (computer) screen. Policy drivers to ‘70’s era economic stagflation. But back to race, what is true about gene theory as related to hybridization being strengthening (mixed origins)? See “Geneticistsand the Biology of Race Crossing.” W.B. Provine. “Science.” 1973. Also, see “...adaptive traits do not define races in humans.” from “BiologicalRaces in Humans” A.R. Templeton. “PubMed.” 2013. “...’ecotype’, which refers to a group of individuals sharing one or more adaptations to a specific environment.” “...unique alleles or at least different frequencies of alleles.” And then ‘heterozygosity’ and statistical demarcation (re-valuation of values) or redefinition? “...a natural historical population unit that emerges from modern phylogenetic theory and practice.” This is me thinking about Nietzsche’s trust in science (although distrust of popular medicine) as an expository measure superior to religion vs. Foucault’s questioning in The Order of Things sciences’ role in providing the illusion of dominance through language birthed of statistical analyses comparing the relative significance or insignificance of differences. Is this not an inversion of nature? The creation of an artificial background that contains no seas nor sunsets, no mountains nor clouds, just ivory towers of theory and conjecture. OohhOh the majesty! “Human populations certainly show genetic differences across geographical space, but this does not necessarily mean that races exist in humans.” Yes, race doesn’t exist like God doesn’t exist, but one finds oneself in denial if it is believed that these words lack meaning. Perhaps they are words that are ill-defined, indefinable, or ineffable. Perhaps they reside in one’s subjective imagination. But anyone with a consciousness and happens to think about indicative properties alien to oneself will utilize words that are more or less precise in their meaning and in an attempt to generalize what is conceptually complex. These ‘four-letter-words’ are obviously imperfect, but they allow one to arrive at a higher understanding step-wise as is very often the only way to gather or accomplish what is requisite through communication the way that this language itself is formulated.

Form-formula-formulation: Aesthetics as an ideal beauty is achieved through a process whose result is found desirable to one who institutes it.

Blasphemous iconography! Kristallnacht represents internal destruction, division, and repressive internments which may be determining prerequisites for externalized national fury. How did the U.S. Civil War serve to strengthen the forces of military technology and tactics? But what may be divided and conquered within ourselves – what is necessary about evil? Dualism divides a time from a time, a place from a place, and one person from another – and qualifies one superior and another inferior. And how many times must this judgment be performed before a golden age can be defined by a lager’s productivity? If the quality of a man’s art (or artifice) may be defined by the quality of his suffering (of duration and changing nature) does a true artist self-inflict or lie? Well, one may become quite broad-minded when it comes to self-harm...how many diseases, exhaustions, or hungers? A diverse symptomatology, doc. Mengele ‘does no harm’ to non-entities, by definition. Only a truly Prussian ‘organization of types’ can support such a grotesque scaffolding. If a mother’s always a mother, how is a prisoner always a häftlinge? Oh humanity, the experience of being human (If This is a Man), how old must a trespasser be before it’s legal to shoot? How bent on a conviction before con-victimization? What does convictionlessness look like? “I believed neither before nor after: neither hither nor thither: neither do I believe in belief nor that I am I!” Nobody understands and nobody cares about where this man’s bread comes from?!

Insubstantially I hunger for substance. My weakness mourns for mothering. “Charge my account!” commands a normally functioning adult male at a grocery store checkout line with an open bag of M&M’s, sampling wares. “I’m entitled to my confection!”

“Sir, your self-avowed convictionlessness conflicts with ‘In God We Trust.’”

“An antiquated motto!”

American exceptionalism at its finest, he swipes his AMEX – declined.

“Sir, you’re just like the rest, there is nothing exceptional about hypocrisy.”

Convictionless worms eat dirt or whatever, who cares? What’s available? Does satiation matter? Everything is transcendental, yet nothing is…

Dear Daddy,

I had a dream again, recurrent in nature, where a mean man like an angry hawk would condescend, as from above with words delivered in a peregrinating voice scarily similar to your own. Such as, “Shut up. Your food stinks. _____________.” My mind fills in the blank, “Why are you such a burden to me and why do I exist?” Now, what I used to exhibit was a sympathetic ‘fight or flight’ fear response that would manifest outwardly into the world in actions that were in accordance with either attempting to conquer, overcome, or flee from the world itself. Nowhere to go! It doesn’t take much of a leap of faith psychologically to ascertain the progenitor of this stress-response and yet, mainly because the stress itself causes one to not think clearly or rationally about it, there was a block or discontinuity in my ability to do something so elementary as connect-the-dots as to determine what makes me annoying, what makes me look or smell bad, or what makes me obnoxious to be around! Maybe I should work backwards: do you really want me not to exist? Inconceivable! And yet the existential quandary remains: How can I exist without a voice? The sea has a voice (waves), trees have a voice (the wind), and the oriental rug I tiptoe around you has a voice when I scuffle. And yet your own son’s voice is antithetical to you? I spend my whole life attempting to represent a man who desires no representation, and this sets me up, willfully or not, as an opposition party. (Why won’t the silent minority stay as silent as they’re supposed to?!)

No oppression, no fear! But imagining Primo in a neo-Teutonic slave-encampment or a Tibetan monk in a Chinese prison at least gives me a comforting feeling I’m not that oppressed! As “...your own true nature resumes itself.” Suzuki. P49. The mountains have a voice. It covers everything its path is committed to (mainly firs). The original nature of craggy pinnacles – an upward thrusting followed by erosion that softens the range. Deranged no more! “Even if the sun were to rise from the west, the Boddhisattva <essence of perfect knowledge> has only one way.”

“Work is done, then forgotten. Therefore it lasts forever.” My blood is hot today. Yellow jacket venom in my left calf. Topical cannabis. Coffee. Tobacco (Zyn®). Having been in the sun. Alcohol. A cool breeze is welcome. I feel these qualities in a unified way, as a unified being as such experiences through an interpreting self. They arise and fall away as I go back to the breath.

Buddhist mendicants – Apostolic actors, “Everyone has the same nature as the railway track.” p54

Katabasis – an inverted pilgrim’s progress.

Aposiopesis – the device of suddenly breaking off in speech.

Time waster: an inability to say ‘no.’ Therefore, time gainer: an ability to say ‘yes!’ If wasting were ‘yin’ and gaining were ‘yang,’ what would the time be? Even the youth in Asia can do the math!

On “60 Minutes”
Beading the abacuses:
Maoist trains on time.

“Arbeit macht frei” suggests (I’d have to believe) that the overseers believed they worked hard in the lager (camp) overseeing häftlinge(prisoners), saving time (not souls).

Her knees were the springs of the rocking-chair – momentum in her flanks – gravid with post-partumnal pride. She carried an unexpected amount of baby-weight, ‘_____ lbs. _____ozs.’ on the scale. Half of her is spicy; the other half is gelid (icy).

Wouldn’t one thing that a fully enlightened being would have - no belief in superiority or inferiority within oneself if rightly oriented and unified? It would be a shame to become deluded by a notion of class or cultural superiority when ‘variety is the spice of life’ be found agreeable. Unless this phenomenon can be over-spiced or otherwise imbalanced in this context full of leaky borders. Not all differences are the same! The sum of all evil may be observed by course correction!

“...a defiant pleasure in becoming ludicrous.” #384 “Woe to the thinker who is not the gardener but only the soil of the plants that grow in him!” #382 Why is self-criticism closest to the heart of any individual in their art upon reflection. Presented in a new way, for the first time, the thought itself is not so novel as its execution? Or is the execution less unique than the thought? How can a representation have the same soul as an initial presentation? Sampling in hip-hop is an obvious example of how music flowers. The sou of the sense that transforms an aural sensation from one ring in a tree-trunk; representation of an aging process. Gnarled progress! Bonsai! And if I let it grow wild (no espalier) is that a lapse in judgment? Depends on individual ideal of aesthetic perfection, (which is in many ways materialistic, thus inferior?)

Viviparous Recrudescence (a Metathetical Pasigraphy)

Notes and quotes from

Michel Foucault

The Order of Things: An Archaeology of the Human Sciences

--

Metathesis – the transposition of sounds or letters in a word

Pasigraphy – a writing system where each symbol represents a concept. Its aim is universal intelligibility (The Glass Bead Game?)

Vowels in Isolation:

A for possession (avoir, to have)
E for existence
I for puissance (power)
O for étonnement (astonishment, eyes opened wide)
U for humidité (humidity) and therefor for humeur (mood)

P102. From Court de Gébelin (1816)

“This object of extension of which all natural beings are constituted – an extension that may be affected by four variables. And by four variables only:

The form of the elements,
the quantity of those elements,
the manner in which they are distributed in space in relation to each other,
and the relative magnitude of each element.

As Linneaus said, in a passage of capital importance, ‘every note should be a produce of number, of form, or proportion, of situation.”

P134. From Philosophiebotanique.

“…things can now be established in a manner that excludes all uncertainty…the arrangement of its elements into a linear series patterns representation according to an evident and universal mode.”

P134-6

“All the creatures that taxonomy has arranged in an uninterrupted simultaneity are then subjected to time.”

P151

“Imagination…the ambiguous locus in which the shattered but insistent continuity of nature was united with the empty but attentive continuity of consciousness.”

P160

“’The excessive abundance of money, which makes the power of states while it lasts, thrusts them imperceptibly and naturally into indigence.’”

P187 from Cantillon.

“It would be untrue to say that nature spontaneously produces values; but it is the inexhaustible source of the goods that exchange transforms into values, though not without expenditure and consumption.

The Physiocrats begin their analysis with the thing itself which is designated in value, but which exists prior to the system of wealth.”

P195

“The visible order, with its permanent grid of distinctions, is now only a superficial glitter above an abyss.”

P251

“…for those who are hungry, wheat is scarce; but for the rich who make up society, diamonds are scarce.

…labour – that is, economic activity – did not make its appearance in world history until men became too numerous… humanity is henceforth laboring under the threat of death…”

P256

“Homo oeconomicus is not the human being who represents his own needs to himself, and the objects capable of satisfying them; he is the human being who spends, wears out, and wastes his life in evading the imminence of death.”

P257

“Ground rent is the effect, not of a prolific nature, but of the avarice of the land. Now, this avarice becomes more perceptible every day: the population, in fact, increases; progressively poorer land is brought under cultivation; the costs of production increase; the prices of agricultural products increase, and ground rents with them. Under this pressure, it is very possible – indeed necessary – that the nominal wage of the labourers will also begin to rise, in order to cover the minimum costs of their subsistence; but, for the same reason, their real wage can never rise in practice above the sum that is indispensable to provide them with clothing, shelter, and food.”

P258 (Ricardo)

“Nietzsche…He took the end of time and transformed it into the death of God and the odyssey of the last man…”

P263

Viviparous – of bringing forth live young that have developed inside the body of the parent.

Recrudescence – the recurrence of an undesirable condition.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dK6Gvee-ri4 – Tame Impala – New Person, Same Old Mistakes

“Expressing their thoughts in words of which they are not the masters, enclosing them in verbal forms whose historical dimensions they are unaware of, men believe that their speech is their servant and do not realize that they are submitting themselves to its demands.”

P297

“…in the very heart of empiricity, there is indicated the obligation to work backwards – or downwards – to an analytic of finitude, in which man’s being will be able to provide a foundation in their own positivity for all those forms that indicate to him that he Is not infinite. And the first characteristic with which this analytic will mark man’s mode of being, or rather the space in which that mode of being will be deployed in its entirety, will be that of repetition – of the identity and the difference between the positive and the fundamental: the death that anonymously gnaws at the daily existence of the living being is the same as that fundamental death on the basis of which my empirical life is given to me; the desire that links and separates men in the neutrality of the economic process is the same as that on the basis of which everything is desirable for me; the time that bears languages along upon it, that takes up its place within them and finally wears them out, is the same time that draws my discourse out, even before I have pronounced it, into a succession that no man can master. From one end of experience to the other, finitude answers itself; it is that identity and the difference of the positivities, and of their foundation, within the figure of the Same.”

P315

“…ought we not remind ourselves that we are bound to the back of a tiger?”

P322

“…the chaotic accumulation of contents, the weight of experiences constantly eluding themselves, the whole silent horizon of what is posited in the sandy stretches of non-thought. Because he is an empirico-transcendental doublet, men is also the locus of misunderstanding – of misunderstanding that constantly exposes his thought to the risk of being swamped by his own being, and also enables him to recover his integrity on the basis of what eludes him.”

P323

“…the cogito does not lead to an affirmation of being, but it does lead to a whole series of questions concerned with being…”

P325

An sich – Noumenon – posited object or event that exists independently of human sense perception.

Für sich – Explicit/actual – Being-for-itself / being which defines its own bounds and determines its own properties (Autonomous)

Unbewusste – Unconscious Mind

“…in every case, the inexhaustible double that presents itself to reflection as the blurred projection of what man is in his truth, but that also plays the role of a preliminary ground upon which man must collect himself and recall himself in order to attain his truth.”

P327

“For modern thought, no morality is possible.

Can we say that it is not known by those who, in their profound stupidity, assert that there is no philosophy without political choice, that all thought is either ‘progressive’ or ‘reactionary’?”

P328

“This is because man, in fact, can be revealed only when bound to a previously existing historicity: he is never contemporaneous with that origin which is outlined through the time of things even as it eludes the gaze; when he tries to define himself as a living being, he can uncover his own beginning only against the background of a life which itself began long before him; when he attempts to re-apprehend himself as a laboring being, he cannot bring even the most rudimentary forms of such a being to light except within a human time and space which have been previously institutionalized, and previously subjugated by society; and when he attempts to define his essence as a speaking subject, prior to any effectively constituted language, all he ever finds is the previously unfolded possibility of language, and not the stumbling sound, the first word upon the basis of which all languages and even language itself became possible. It is always against a background of the already begun that man is able to reflect on what may serve for him as origin.”

P330

“…psychoanalysis moves towards the moment…This means that, unlike the human sciences, which, even while turning back towards the unconscious, always remain within the space of the representable, psychoanalysis advances and leaps over representation, overflows it on the side of norms, conflicts burdened with rules, and significations forming a system, the simple fact that it is possible for there to be

System (therefore signification),

Rule (therefore conflict),

Norm (therefore function).

…function and norms, attains its foundation in the mute repetition of Death,

Conflicts and rules their foundation in the naked opening of Desire,

Significations and systems their foundation in a language which is at the same time Law.

…this Death, and this Desire, and this Law can never meet within the knowledge that traverses in its positivity the empirical domain of man; but the reason for this is that they designate the conditions of possibility of all knowledge about man.”

P374-5

“…man is an invention of recent date. And one perhaps nearing its end.”

P387

Perichoretic Arrogation

 

It's said, ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,’ but if you were to kill me, I may find myself in a greater harmony which may be more uncomfortable for you. When does one cease to find innocent joy in the sound of one’s own heartbeat transformed into something more deeply sonorous, full of telltales, spooky? Face-down in bed, eyes wide open, grimacing if not straight-up gnashing, grinding jawbone to TMJ, conscious of only one’s own autonomic nervous system, my head’s up my own ass like some mental contortionist capable of cranio-rectal implantation and oblation like a bloody ouroboros in distaste! Face-down in bed (prone), an incursion of cockroach-related particulate-matter turns my eyes toward communism (pink)! From the white purity of what? Insular anarchy? What amounts to children stranded on an island where normalcy far from domestic civility may be said to tenuously exist. Drunk and high from avoiding my ‘yes sir’ duties to society or whatsoever have you. Held in contempt for snoring, what is one ignoring if not breathing exercises? Pranayama – Oh Mama! Am I out-of-pace with society’s keep-up? Or am I out of touch with society’s upkeep or whatever is presupposed on one’s arrival to ‘kept’ society, where loans used to be financial games, but now things are more serious with customary rule changes – where poor gamers are found to hunger IRL.

Out of pace with society’s keep-up, God on high reports, “I might need you to seek refuge; as a civilian to an invading force.” Sun Tzu knows one does not go to war unless victory is believed to be assured and the only ones to bear history’s narrative be the victors. Spoiling it for everyone on this side of a fence like a border wall, “Thank you for fresh carcasses, comrade,” (as my intrusion crustily inspissates). My ‘why’ – she wants to tell me what to do, but she doesn’t want to tell me what’s going on behind-the-scenes and yet she’s gathering my ‘intel’ at a concerning rate. These points of data are indicative of some obfuscatory function! Coupled to an invented interpretation that serves to find fault. (Meanwhile, she’s breaking my mirrors). ‘There’s more than one way to skin a cat’ and so many disorders manifest similarly, hence how the practice of medicine is able to treat, based on similarity of presentation. ‘All the world’s a stage’ and some people play sick roles. Some desire to ‘stay sick’ (a bumper-sticker) because feelings associated with said disease appeal to something at least known in the world (albeit abased) and that knowledge one feels power over, whether to indulge or deny based on the usefulness of symptomatology to achieve material gains. Over others, in denial that such toxic behavior will get the best of them (not today!) one pushes off significant change for the betterment of selves and society for some fleeting comfort – a future anxiety.

Softening my gaze, ‘what is in accordance with nature as harmony…’ it is commented upon that I’m up early today! Instant discord. “...the child – and he is more than a witness, he is a scapegoat!” And often things get worse before they get better...how are compromise and tolerance in a relationship dismissive? This missive seeks official answers and final solutions! These things grievous in nature, how are they natural? Too pedantic? Such aggression toward one who presents opposition, sure, but out of filial piety – a moral of sinology (Confucianism) that Nietzsche would likely scoff at as an observer of circumstantial disharmony – “change your tune!”

‘Negging’ – negative encouragement, how does tearing down the self-perception of another build one up?! ‘Doc sez sensory imp-puts test well, so perception-of-others is thusly validated. What test might one physician perform to test self-perception/reflection – crossword puzzles? Even such games have been found offensive. What fails to offend the senses? Mom’s lasagna temporarily sates, but the pork sausage doesn’t sit well: mother’s revenge, Montezuma’s schadenfreude.

5/22

Was at a local drinking-establishment/beer & pizza watering-hole near an early closing time. It began raining heavily so I requested my roommate I knew was sitting at home, watching TV and lives in normal walking distance to come pick me up. He arrived right away, rapping at the chamber door. Everyone's thought, "Was that old drunk John trying to get one after closing time?" Everyone agreed not to let him in, yet I followed him out, having asked for the convenience. As one’s convenience is another’s inconvenience (apparently, in this case) he was mad at me for not being outside right away – when I paid my check and still had half a beer, and a shot was being served me from another patron. He was argumentative off the bat (at the outset of our interaction) for being discourteous when a parameter for courtesy had not been clearly defined/established.

Guilt at arraignment! An efficient judicial system! In the wrong for being charged to begin with! “I am confident that the charges levied against me are in accordance with my acts, however my ignorance is to be found within the arbitrary structure – the moral hierarchy itself!” The order of the court: does it align with the natural order of things? Do the rules of man’s arbitration follow intuitively from the laws of nature? What one would consider a mathematic derived as a reading of weight upon a scale, another applies a discursive formulaic to integral constants – weighing into the moment of offense past/historical interpretations of the way things have gone as well as future trajectory variability for how things may have gone, but didn't - an attempt to verify an inaccuracy. “Your desires are greater than your reason, and your vanity is even greater than your desires…” goes a mocking patron <#160> How would I feel if I had spent an entire sunny Spring day in front of a television set? Not very good! Perhaps angry at myself for squandering time in my life so inordinately on syndicated “Seinfeld” and live golf. Isn’t being tired exhausting, fatiguée​? I know it puts me to sleep if I were to engage in something so mindlessly – an emptiness forms, there is so little left of self that love becomes a foreign concept (a commercial to skip) and vanity escapes all reasonable desire. (As I dream of elder abuse…) True, if there were no television, there would not be that same suffering distraction, that blameworthy device that some binge upon as addict archetypes. Still, addict archetypes always have been able to find some (electrical) outlet for their desire for loving attachment that may have been lacking in formative years. It’s as if I expect a mentally disordered individual to exceed my expectations! It’s as if I expect demons to exorcise themselves! The problem with T.V. is diminishing returns as it comes to alleviating boredom, as occurs with most drugs of choice. Like an old definition for autism – fantasy as an escape from reality – but because fantasy and reality function through the device closely in parallel, they become conflated. A man’s expectations in general become fantastic and hyperbolic through this diffusion of conscious activity directed toward what amounts to a scattering of light and sound. Interpreted by the receiver thereof as sensible (it tickles the senses) and because one has indeed made sense of such an array, reality itself seems more masterable. It’s fantasy training! However, because of constant cut-scenes and commercial interrupts, it is non-sequential. One’s attention, while affixed on one target, is paradoxically broken by the object itself, its twisted contents. The object itself, although boxy and rectangular, because it takes on the form, bearing, and voice of competing personalities, is anthropomorphized, and sometimes vicariously so, that the consumed individual imagines one’s own personality to consist of myriad vested interests, fantastically regulated by a light-up plastic wand. Competing for your attention, content production teams intent on administering gratifying imagery – bleach white teeth, Botox, make-up, costume, lighting – all the things that make life seem so neat and orderly, all the things that cost millions, millions of hours of entertainment.

To arise without dispute! Many may not consider such a luxury, but when one’s very existence is an offense to another, much may be thrown in doubt (if one is found violable). One’s individuality affirms acceptance or rejection: one’s opinions may be more or less well-founded (if ascertained in good health/spirits). One needn’t advantage oneself over another to achieve validation. Good practice is self-sufficient in and of itself (leaning against the wall (Pink Floyd) is the beginning of dualism (Suzuki)). One’s posture serves to describe how one fits/sits into this life (yet even hunchbacks are validated when ringing church bells (Hugo)). It’s not only what you say it’s how you say it (rhetorically). Context matters (more than color)! Does my conceptualization ring true? It’d be more efficient if I were to treat myself like shit so as to save you the effort!

To ascend without disputation! What corporate ladder is that?! Engine like a heart, heart like galvanized steel, what really gets me off is suffering and misery – self-validation at another’s expense. When one is a child – new to the world – how is physical pain & mental anguish not tyrannical to me?! Because the suffering is chosen/known, new mothers transcend limitations. What did you expect? A bigger baby?! Bad parents complain about unexpected/unresearched consequences of parenthood, externalizing anger at self for unforseeing / lacking foresight, and continuing to fall behind, lose posture, social standing, and quantum ascendancy? Suffering lower energy states, blame is easily placed on youth for one’s lack of youthfulness – imagining a quantity lacking in abundance, one becomes deluded.

A beginner’s mind goes beyond/transcends questioning? ‘Why does such-and-such exist?’ implies a lack of acceptance. Even the most pious of judges demand exclusivity! My transcendental substantiation goes beyond mere form to content – goes beyond alimentary demands to guts & backbone! Form indicates, content describes. Peace pipes down! What one does not accept, one more easily does away with. One’s favor is implied by its being allowed to be around. How can one kill what one does not understand? Our bodies contain what is true within. If one does not eat, drink, and breathe everything – have you not tried Louis’ antipasto? Superman? If this moment is all that exists in time, how am I not spoon-fed? Emotionally mercurial individuals qualify feelings as greater than/less than even though these feelings exist in an abundance beyond quantification.

5/24

Perichoretic Arrogation (false claims upon the triune God)

Father – Son – Holy Spirit God – Guru – Self

6/11

“Unacculturate yourself! The culture isn’t just out there. When you see an old person, you have a certain set of thoughts that are conditioned by your culture that are in you now, they’re no longer out there. You just have them, you have to get rid of those first. In other words, If you’re going to be free of a dysfunctional mythology that leaves aging as a time of sadness, loss, and fear...and irrelevance – it’s certainly going to color the quality of your life.”

From Ras Dass – The Miracle of Consciousness (lecture, 1996)

As the Jews were only fit for slavery and death, sub-human, offensive...The arrogance of those who think they know, but wrongly, or are intentionally trying to deceive, see the word as merely a tool, and subordinate it as one would some polytheistic deity that is fit for only novelty and intrigue, but which bears no more basis on understanding than it may have once possessed. “Expressing their thoughts in words of which they are not the masters, enclosing them in verbal forms whose historical dimensions they are unaware of, men believe that their speech is their servant and do not realize that they are submitting themselves to its demands.”* This communication would not be worth the time if such a superior model of efficiency, living ones days in a certain manner prescribed by modernist mythology, were not proscribed by the Good Book! [‘This is how the world will end the day I die!’] Even if one ascribes to the purely physical perichoresis (triune (3-in-1? Yes, but moreso 3-and-1)) of that stupid Jew Einstein (E=mc²), a measure of light is exponentially more constant than a measure of mud! And what does that mean to a modern materialist’s spirituality? How much energy can be derived? What does saponification mean to a soap-maker? Early this morning, watching a mockingbird drive away a crow, I remember old Finch, and how ‘It’s a sin to kill a mockingbird…’ Is it arrogation to believe that this old crow (a murderer, by definition) is not a threat? So, one needs to chase the false and destructive set of beliefs from one’s own home, one’s own heart, in order to achieve harmony. Beyond that, there is an old poem about a miser whose fears come to rest above his chamber door in the form of an ebony bird which proves the indicative source of a perplexing nostalgia in “The Raven.” How seriously should one regard this man in his tedious and solitary plight?

How seriously does one take one’s investments, as a set of beliefs? One’s personality becomes invested in one’s own mythology. “Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they can change our world,” said the Buddha. Fuck that! Lin Chi (some old sage) also said, “If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him.” What did that homicidal maniac have in mind? What was his motive, your honor? According to Google, NPR, “He meant that those who think they’ve found all the answers in any religion need to start questioning.” How is this not solvent? Apparently it is more common for one to run out of questions before one runs out of answers. What is your final solution?!

Hagiographic Eluviation

 

Shelley from Discover/Experian calls, first thing in the morning, to help me resolve my credit issues.  Apparently an individual in a house in Oklahoma City attached to my name has attempted to steal my identity.  Both Capital One and American Express are on my side!  I know who I am right off the top of my head!  And my personal details are consistent with one with such and such identifying features interiorly held. 

Rain dance rained ants
my pants a party!
Rained on rain Don,
Alpha Beta Capo…

Later on I’m feeling anxious about having dealt with these agencies.  I am on the Abteilung’s (“office department’s”) general radar.  The cold war spy novel I’m reading is increasing my situational awareness or paranoia that there may be agents on my case.  My own agency (autonomy) dictates that I am okay with being surveilled as long as my agency is not revoked, which I understand could occur swiftly and at any moment given the powers that be and their wavering inclination towards mercy. 

On top of everything I’ve been paying for this one poor girl’s gas utility and the entire time without her asking, or perhaps even considering the possibility that at the very least some gratitude (not much!) might be revealed. Or have the wherewithal to recognize that things could get worse before they get better.  If provoked, what might be revoked?  What rights does a criminal have?  Some real sons of bitches talk shit about their own mother!  And daughters of cunts too.  Why do they speak this way?  When will peace be possible?  When will I get a word in edgewise?  They go on and on about their problems without regard for orthopraxy (“right practice”) let alone orthodoxy (“right belief”).  John on my right hits me on the shoulder again to get my attention or to prove a point.  Face of a man who has never been in a real physical altercation.  Richard on my left was fired yesterday for threatening a co-worker, although he’s in denial about it, says he in fact had walked away after merely barking an order, but his best friends know, what did he really do?  Yes, he probably threatened her, but it was worth it.  So now what?  Well, he used to fight his sons and his lovers’ boyfriends, workout, and smoke cocaine, but that’s all in the past.  Maybe he’ll ride his bike. 

Everything is small to a man like Richard and everything is big to a man like John.  They represent, on either side, my sense of proportion in dealing with stressors in my own life.  Marcus Aurelius is famously quoted as saying, “If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment,” is one translation.  I am the peace in the middle of a man for whom everything is too big and another for whom everything is too small, and neither wear specks.  John thinks I look like his tall Irish friend who sold his lucrative bakery for a whopping 42 million!  He must think I look rich, or perhaps he’s seeing through me to Richard, who has some savings, but not enough to keep drinking past tonight.  Not opaque, I opine as if eluviated (a movement of water through soil).  I let the tears seep into me, neon-lit confessional at capacity.  It makes me sick to think the world in which I reside does not rationalize similarly.  (I'm really sick because the booze is depriving my body of nutrients and my soul is being washed out again).  

5/14

And to top it off, my writing is suffering disruptions.  My peace of mind has mostly maintained its tenacity, but the external circumstances have changed in such a way as to limit the times I’d rather be burning midnight oils by curfew.  This is not unfamiliar, just familiar in all the wrong ways, not worthy of repetition.  Because of new space and time constraints, my existence is being squeezed into new conformations with its healthy levels of stress?  Survival is strengthening (what doesn’t kill…). 

Dictato-chips eat me from the inside.  What I’d rather be doing is of zero use and may in fact be detrimental to normal functioning.  My mistakes, are they glaring?  Spiritually masked (name?), does life begin randomly?  Sex with ‘randoes’ creates a chasm between what has become and what was meant to be.  What am I responding to ignorantly?  Undesirable intimacy may abound and trap.  The world lived within as an object of affection/affliction one loves to torture to death seeing the opposite side of some binary coinage.  Drinking the vodka of absolutism, what is good for one goose is to place restrictions on ganders.  The war is never over, Primo, and now you know it.  The guar gum of the psyche chews up jelly flesh:  a brain like a sponge and a sponge like a supervisory board.  Psychoanalyses statistically show my crystalline imperfections spectrophotometrically, in a cuvette.  What of my neighbors do I covet?  Their well-arranged dogs?  Why does one expect oneself to die suddenly?  Holy anxiety!  It’s an aneurysm spelling itself!  It may be scarier than a blinking poltergeist!  The psychological thriller I call a trip to the moon turns into a diatribe against venture capitalists’ usury.  Fudge my numbers because they may or may not correlate consistently with the night before yesterday when I was more sober-minded.  Synchronicities keep me in line or let my awareness become cognizant of alignment?  Kismet phenomenology: specifications for occurrences rated more highly than (mere) coincidence – of a particular meaningfulness of the reporting perceiver.  However, does correlation superimpose a positivity bias to the actual uniqueness of an experience?  Whose questionnaire has been conceptualized numerically?  The fact that I’m even awake (at such an hour) is a miracle of modern science in a world that either discredits miracles or denigrates the wonders of modern science (enjoyed by all equally?)  He who has no complaints is not over-satiated, anyway.  Does my belief in my own moderateness blind me to immoderation?  What does that even mean?  My belief in my being moderate often and with care may somehow contain a (speed) trap within itself.  Something snappy and cerulean!  “Am I making things worse for myself?” is a weird question to ask oneself in the middle of a solo performance: such is being upstaged.

If I doubt doubt, does a double-negative displace faithfulness?  My car’s engine, misfiring, how is this related to hiccups, spasms, stutters, and tics?  Does my self-abasement consume my youthfulness?  I’m having trouble getting out of my funk because I no longer feel safe to be myself, again.  The being that my Holy Father sought to create is not the same as his self-identification and it is found offensive to him!  I am an objectionable object once more.  I’m welcomed back to the Bee Shack, a recurrent dream where a minute moves time forward a day and what is a consideration quickly becomes an urgent necessity for pest control!  Paranoia becomes an incessant stinging, holed-up (it’s difficult to move (the acceleration of time and related G-forces)) in an exponentially untenable situation.  The outside world is none the wiser!  This is representative of my unwillingness (inability?) to move quickly so to address some quickly changing scenarios that are:

A)     My health – liver, alcohol, lack of exercise

B)      My living/work situation – desiring to move/find a new job

C)      My financials, which seem laughable in the face of Foucault’s modern world and Levi’s post-war hell-scape.  How do my influences impact my decision-making?

D)     I don’t like the way I look in the mirror!

5/9 – Quotes are from Nietzsche’s Daybreak.

“…esteem, the mark of the moral… (duty) recognition of a categorical imperative…every ought derives all sense and meaning simply and solely in reference to threatened punishment or promised reward.” XV

MIB neuralized – the best way to lose a productive train of thought is to wake up and consult the black pocket mirror.  Dreams away!  My contestations washed into a data-stream, where originality finds a gravesite.  My weaknesses I seek to overcome begin with developing new patterns of behavior such as not touching, exposing myself, or otherwise falling prey to false idleness’ that serve to manufacture a compliant citizenry.

“Popular medicine and popular morality belong together and ought not to be evaluated so differently as they are: both are the most dangerous pseudosciences.” #11

“The good mood was placed on the scales as an argument and outweighed rationality…” #28

                I find it most disturbing about myself that I often fail to nurture relationships – because that requires effort – and instead fall upon nature – where in the natural order of things (according to Machiavelli) men trend towards evil, or what is one’s self-perceived best interests, so that relationships become commercial, merely an exchange of what one has to offer another and to exploit any available supply to avail one’s aims.  Human resources, all!  Is it not impossible to feel free when categorical imperatives call upon one to act calculatingly and shrewdly when it comes to interpersonal behavior & communication?  Is innocence capable of restoration?  To the confessional!  If I believe in the punishment of sinners, am I not also being punished in some commensurate measure? Is a pleasure derived from imaginary sufferings?  Let the idea suffer itself and die alone.  Leave vengeance for the ancient and savage gods thereof.

5/16

                Thinking about the Buffalo/Tops shooter who managed to kill 10.  I find it most disturbing about myself that I consider more his life than the lives of his victims.  Perhaps I recognize that their suffering is over, while his is just beginning.  Yes, those who knew and cared for the deceased will mourn, and that is a pain that spreads and thus is naturally addressed and mollified by the supportive community, that while wounded, must endure the shock and as a categorical imperative improve.  This act of war/call to arms/ act of terrorism/ act of treason… At some point (one would hope) the shooter will have realized that his pre-meditation was ‘incomplete’ let’s say.  An 18 y/o ‘adult’ destined for engineering school decided to get a jump on his curriculum by doing some voluntary social engineering, believing himself an example worthy of adherent followers and future vindication.  It is interesting thinking how technology advances our access to information and has in many ways a regressive effect on ‘semi-literate’ individuals inundated (and wanting to look smart).

 

“All actions may be traced back to evaluations, all evaluations are either original or adopted – the latter being by far the most common.  Why do we adopt them? From fear – that is to say, we consider it more advisable to pretend they are our own… we arrive at it as children, and rarely learn to change our view; most of us are our whole lives long the fools of the way we acquired in childhood of judging our neighbors (their minds, rank, morality, whether they are exemplary or reprehensible)…” #104 “And if the reason of mankind is of such extraordinarily slow growth that it has often been denied that it has grown at all during the whole course of mankind’s existence…” #107

                (Of course inevitable irony in the adopted quotation). Of course I don’t always agree with every evaluation, but one’s ability to conceptualize abstract notions with cogency may be more or less admirable.  Next-generational ‘influencers’ resort to more extreme tactics in order to get noticed!

“The striving for distinction keeps a constant eye on the next man and wants to know what his feelings are: but the empathy which this drive requires for its gratification is far from being harmless or sympathetic or kind.” #113

                This reading reminds me of how Nietzsche himself is often considered an integral link between philosophy and the psychoanalysis of Freud since reevaluating morality is synonymous with mental-disorder in this context.  What was previously evaluated as sinfulness by religions, (where all are born sinners who could only hope for redemption through faith (orthodoxy) and saved from excess suffering through adhering to God’s Laws (orthopraxy)) now, the route to power could be obtained by putting the Human Condition in other words!  Through science!  Grandiosity: the protracted narrative.  Knowing thyself becomes a complex/diverse symptomatology that has the capacity to become all-consuming (solipsistic).  This self-subsumed psychology organizes one around a schedule for what is popular in dietetics and maximal for sleep.  Alimentary (my dear Watson!) And once one is optimally primed due to such self-care, it is to such an extent that any outside entity not in complete admiration, agreeance, or harmony are threat to comfort, convenience, and material satiety.  What kind of hagiography does this map?

                I find most disturbing about myself the desire for reciprocal ills to fall on those who have taken me out of loving relationships with others and with the world.  (But I let that go when I’m not being actively oppressed.)  A time dilation occurs, I can feel a fury or ire rise up inordinate to myself that must be reflective of the energy I feel in those circumstances.  It is as though my soul is being drawn out of myself toward the emptiness, hollowness, or void of a vacuum I assume an absence thereof seeks.  How can one ever err if one is so empty? How is her physical pain and her mental anguish not tyrannical to me?  The relationship with my ‘why’ is not the first instance of personality disorder in a close relationship, and the question remains about how one externalizes one’s internal circumstances in accordance with God (subsumed self) and the church of concerned friends.  One’s natural inclination is toward pity, yet pity expressed toward another is often found reprehensible to the one being pitied.  “To savages the idea of being pitied evokes a moral shudder: it divests one of all virtue.  To offer pity is as good as to offer contempt…” #135. 

Home, she suffers the residuum of his disturbances.  At the club, she’s smug.  “As children grow to adulthood, they continue to relate to other selfish people the same way they were emotionally conditioned to do as a child.” (Psychology Today) What do I do that is so selfless?  Well, at least I slow my vehicle to at most the speed limit in neighborhoods with children, dogs, and walkers.  Being in a rush in a motor vehicle is potentially injurious.  One could have left earlier if one anticipates being late.  The attitude upheld and maintained is that one’s life takes precedence over others’.  Because there is no belief in God or Spirit there are no angels or old souls!  That is, any one more worthy of respect than oneself.  Orcas are still cool though, right?