Shelley from Discover/Experian calls, first thing in the
morning, to help me resolve my credit issues.
Apparently an individual in a house in Oklahoma City attached to my name
has attempted to steal my identity. Both
Capital One and American Express are on my side! I know who I am right off the top of my
head! And my personal details are
consistent with one with such and such identifying features interiorly held.
Rain dance rained ants
my pants a party!
Rained on rain Don,
Alpha Beta Capo…
Later on I’m feeling anxious about having dealt with these
agencies. I am on the Abteilung’s
(“office department’s”) general radar.
The cold war spy novel I’m reading is increasing my situational
awareness or paranoia that there may be agents on my case. My own agency (autonomy) dictates that I am
okay with being surveilled as long as my agency is not revoked, which I
understand could occur swiftly and at any moment given the powers that be and
their wavering inclination towards mercy.
On top of everything I’ve been
paying for this one poor girl’s gas utility and the entire time without her
asking, or perhaps even considering the possibility that at the very least some
gratitude (not much!) might be revealed. Or have the wherewithal to recognize
that things could get worse before they get better. If provoked, what might be revoked? What rights does a criminal have? Some real sons of bitches talk shit about
their own mother! And daughters of cunts
too. Why do they speak this way? When will peace be possible? When will I get a word in edgewise? They go on and on about their problems
without regard for orthopraxy (“right practice”) let alone orthodoxy (“right
belief”). John on my right hits me on
the shoulder again to get my attention or to prove a point. Face of a man who has never been in a real
physical altercation. Richard on my left
was fired yesterday for threatening a co-worker, although he’s in denial about
it, says he in fact had walked away after merely barking an order, but his best
friends know, what did he really
do? Yes, he probably threatened her, but
it was worth it. So now what? Well, he used to fight his sons and his
lovers’ boyfriends, workout, and smoke cocaine, but that’s all in the
past. Maybe he’ll ride his bike.
Everything is small to a man like
Richard and everything is big to a man like John. They represent, on either side, my sense of
proportion in dealing with stressors in my own life. Marcus Aurelius is famously quoted as saying,
“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing
itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at
any moment,” is one translation. I am
the peace in the middle of a man for whom everything is too big and another for
whom everything is too small, and neither wear specks. John thinks I look like his tall Irish friend
who sold his lucrative bakery for a whopping 42 million! He must think I look rich, or perhaps he’s
seeing through me to Richard, who has some savings, but not enough to keep
drinking past tonight. Not opaque, I
opine as if eluviated (a movement of water through soil). I let the tears seep into me, neon-lit
confessional at capacity. It makes me
sick to think the world in which I reside does not rationalize similarly. (I'm really sick because the booze is depriving my body of nutrients and my soul is being washed out again).
5/14
And to top it off, my writing is
suffering disruptions. My peace of mind
has mostly maintained its tenacity, but the external circumstances have changed
in such a way as to limit the times I’d rather be burning midnight oils by curfew. This is not unfamiliar, just familiar in all
the wrong ways, not worthy of repetition.
Because of new space and time constraints, my existence is being
squeezed into new conformations with its healthy levels of stress? Survival is strengthening (what doesn’t
kill…).
Dictato-chips eat me from the
inside. What I’d rather be doing is of
zero use and may in fact be detrimental to normal functioning. My mistakes, are they glaring? Spiritually masked (name?), does life begin
randomly? Sex with ‘randoes’ creates a
chasm between what has become and what was meant to be. What am I responding to ignorantly? Undesirable intimacy may abound and
trap. The world lived within as an
object of affection/affliction one loves
to torture to death seeing the
opposite side of some binary coinage.
Drinking the vodka of absolutism, what is good for one goose is to place
restrictions on ganders. The war is
never over, Primo, and
now you know it. The guar gum of the
psyche chews up jelly flesh: a brain
like a sponge and a sponge like a supervisory board. Psychoanalyses statistically show my
crystalline imperfections spectrophotometrically, in a cuvette. What of my neighbors do I covet? Their well-arranged dogs? Why does one expect oneself to die
suddenly? Holy anxiety! It’s an aneurysm spelling itself! It may be scarier than a blinking
poltergeist! The psychological thriller
I call a trip to the moon turns into a diatribe against venture capitalists’
usury. Fudge my numbers because they may
or may not correlate consistently with the night before yesterday when I was
more sober-minded. Synchronicities keep
me in line or let my awareness become cognizant of alignment? Kismet phenomenology: specifications for
occurrences rated more highly than (mere) coincidence – of a particular
meaningfulness of the reporting perceiver.
However, does correlation superimpose a positivity bias to the actual
uniqueness of an experience? Whose
questionnaire has been conceptualized numerically? The fact that I’m even awake (at such an hour)
is a miracle of modern science in a world that either discredits miracles or
denigrates the wonders of modern science (enjoyed by all equally?) He who has no complaints is not over-satiated,
anyway. Does my belief in my own
moderateness blind me to immoderation?
What does that even mean? My
belief in my being moderate often and with care may somehow contain a (speed) trap
within itself. Something snappy and cerulean! “Am I making things worse for myself?” is a
weird question to ask oneself in the middle of a solo performance: such is
being upstaged.
If I doubt doubt, does a double-negative displace faithfulness? My car’s engine, misfiring, how is this
related to hiccups, spasms, stutters, and tics?
Does my self-abasement consume my youthfulness? I’m having trouble getting out of my funk
because I no longer feel safe to be myself, again. The being that my Holy Father sought to
create is not the same as his
self-identification and it is found offensive to him! I am an objectionable
object once more. I’m welcomed back to
the Bee Shack, a recurrent dream where a minute moves time forward a day and
what is a consideration quickly becomes an urgent necessity for pest control! Paranoia becomes an incessant stinging,
holed-up (it’s difficult to move (the acceleration of time and related G-forces)) in an exponentially untenable situation. The outside world is none the wiser! This is representative of my unwillingness
(inability?) to move quickly so to address some quickly changing scenarios that
are:
A)
My health – liver, alcohol, lack of exercise
B)
My living/work situation – desiring to move/find
a new job
C)
My financials, which seem laughable in the face
of Foucault’s modern world and Levi’s post-war hell-scape. How do my influences impact my
decision-making?
D)
I don’t like the way I look in the mirror!
5/9 – Quotes are from Nietzsche’s Daybreak.
“…esteem, the mark
of the moral… (duty) recognition of a categorical imperative…every ought derives all sense and meaning
simply and solely in reference to threatened punishment or promised reward.” XV
MIB neuralized – the
best way to lose a productive train of thought is to wake up and consult the
black pocket mirror. Dreams away! My contestations washed into a data-stream,
where originality finds a gravesite. My
weaknesses I seek to overcome begin with developing new patterns of behavior
such as not touching, exposing myself, or otherwise falling prey to false idleness’ that serve to
manufacture a compliant citizenry.
“Popular medicine and popular morality belong together and
ought not to be evaluated so differently as they are: both are the most dangerous pseudosciences.” #11
“The good mood was placed on the scales as an argument and
outweighed rationality…” #28
I find
it most disturbing about myself that I often fail to nurture relationships –
because that requires effort – and instead fall upon nature – where in the
natural order of things (according to Machiavelli) men trend towards evil, or
what is one’s self-perceived best interests, so that relationships become
commercial, merely an exchange of what one has to offer another and to exploit
any available supply to avail one’s aims.
Human resources, all! Is it not
impossible to feel free when categorical imperatives call upon one to act
calculatingly and shrewdly when it comes to interpersonal behavior & communication? Is innocence capable of restoration? To the confessional! If I believe in the punishment of sinners, am
I not also being punished in some commensurate measure? Is a pleasure derived
from imaginary sufferings? Let the idea
suffer itself and die alone. Leave
vengeance for the ancient and savage gods thereof.
5/16
Thinking
about the Buffalo/Tops shooter who managed to kill 10. I find it most disturbing about myself that I
consider more his life than the lives of his victims. Perhaps I recognize that their suffering is
over, while his is just beginning. Yes,
those who knew and cared for the deceased will mourn, and that is a pain that spreads
and thus is naturally addressed and mollified by the supportive community, that
while wounded, must endure the shock and as a categorical imperative
improve. This act of war/call to arms/
act of terrorism/ act of treason… At some point (one would hope) the shooter
will have realized that his pre-meditation was ‘incomplete’ let’s say. An 18 y/o ‘adult’ destined for engineering
school decided to get a jump on his curriculum by doing some voluntary social
engineering, believing himself an example worthy of adherent followers and
future vindication. It is interesting
thinking how technology advances our access to information and has in many ways
a regressive effect on ‘semi-literate’ individuals inundated (and wanting to
look smart).
“All actions may be traced back to evaluations, all
evaluations are either original or adopted – the latter being by far the
most common. Why do we adopt them? From
fear – that is to say, we consider it more advisable to pretend they are our
own… we arrive at it as children, and
rarely learn to change our view; most of us are our whole lives long the fools
of the way we acquired in childhood of judging our neighbors (their minds,
rank, morality, whether they are exemplary or reprehensible)…” #104 “And if the
reason of mankind is of such
extraordinarily slow growth that it has often been denied that it has grown at
all during the whole course of mankind’s existence…” #107
(Of
course inevitable irony in the adopted quotation). Of course I don’t always agree with every evaluation, but one’s ability to conceptualize abstract
notions with cogency may be more or less admirable. Next-generational ‘influencers’ resort to more
extreme tactics in order to get noticed!
“The striving for distinction keeps a constant eye on the
next man and wants to know what his feelings are: but the empathy which this
drive requires for its gratification is far from being harmless or sympathetic
or kind.” #113
This
reading reminds me of how Nietzsche himself is often considered an integral
link between philosophy and the psychoanalysis of Freud since reevaluating
morality is synonymous with mental-disorder in this context. What was previously evaluated as sinfulness
by religions, (where all are born sinners who could only hope for redemption
through faith (orthodoxy) and saved from excess suffering through adhering to
God’s Laws (orthopraxy)) now, the route to power
could be obtained by putting the Human Condition in other words! Through science! Grandiosity: the protracted
narrative. Knowing thyself becomes a
complex/diverse symptomatology that has the capacity to become all-consuming
(solipsistic). This self-subsumed
psychology organizes one around a schedule for what is popular in dietetics and
maximal for sleep. Alimentary (my dear
Watson!) And once one is optimally primed due to such self-care, it is to such
an extent that any outside entity not in complete admiration, agreeance, or
harmony are threat to comfort, convenience, and material satiety. What kind of hagiography does this map?
I find
most disturbing about myself the desire for reciprocal ills to fall on those
who have taken me out of loving relationships with others and with the
world. (But I let that go when I’m not
being actively oppressed.) A time
dilation occurs, I can feel a fury or ire rise up inordinate to myself that
must be reflective of the energy I feel in those circumstances. It is as though my soul is being drawn out of
myself toward the emptiness, hollowness, or void of a vacuum I assume an absence thereof seeks. How can one ever
err if one is so empty? How is her
physical pain and her mental anguish not tyrannical to me? The relationship with my ‘why’ is not the
first instance of personality disorder in a close relationship, and the
question remains about how one externalizes one’s internal circumstances in
accordance with God (subsumed self) and the church of concerned friends. One’s natural inclination is toward pity, yet
pity expressed toward another is often found reprehensible to the one being
pitied. “To savages the idea of being
pitied evokes a moral shudder: it divests one of all virtue. To offer pity is as good as to offer contempt…”
#135.
Home, she suffers the residuum of his disturbances. At the club, she’s smug. “As children grow to adulthood, they continue
to relate to other selfish people the same way they were emotionally
conditioned to do as a child.” (Psychology Today)
What do I do that is so selfless? Well,
at least I slow my vehicle to at most the speed limit in neighborhoods with
children, dogs, and walkers. Being in a
rush in a motor vehicle is potentially injurious. One could have left earlier if one
anticipates being late. The attitude
upheld and maintained is that one’s life takes precedence over others’. Because there is no belief in God or Spirit
there are no angels or old souls! That is, any one more worthy of respect than oneself. Orcas are still cool though, right?
