4 am on a Thursday (3/3/16), a conversation, with “Stan”:
Stan: Yo, what a more badass song than this?
Me: Do you want to
tell me what you meant by not taking sides?
I imagine what you meant was that you wound up at the Pink at some point
if you’re home at 4 o’clock. I could
track your night backwards through that! Did you get the bottle of vodka?
Stan: It’s in my trunk.
You’re in my shit. It’s there. You got that.
Me: I would have put money on that too, alright, 2 for 2.
Stan: My biggest shit mistake is that Iraina my lover is
really… not my lover, my interest, she’s with like 4 other dudes.
Me: Well, so are you, so, to be fair…
Stan: You’re right, we’re perfect for each other…people like
that it’s all lined up!
Me: More like strung out, but…
Stan: Well shit, we’re both like professionals strung out
and we know what we wanna do but we’re distracted by other shit that people
wanna get us to do. We see the
advantageous aspects of the…and try to make reasoning behind being um…there’s really
no reason, we gotta just deal with yus. But look, I push you, I should push you
tonight too.
Me: Tonight?
Stan: Yeah.
Me: Like this morning?
Stan: I got 2 people that wanna buy mushrooms, I got one
person who wants to open up a warehouse space, I got one person who wants to um
do Molly, but I don’t think you could get that for ‘em. Separate person.
Me: Oh, I mean, anything’s possible.
Stan: Yeah, but I tell the man I don’t fuck with that, he’s
like, ‘yeh, if you come across it’
Me: I think that dude Brian from Monday had some, so
conceivably…
Stan: Conceivably, yeah…I mean, conceivably talk to him
about natural/unnatural things to do, he wants Molly.
Me: Yeah, well, you just have to make sure that it’s sourced
well. I was talking about that with
Caitlin yesterday, the fact that people, like, criticizing Shawn and I was kind
of criticizing her because knowing her past too, but like, people don’t take
into consideration that that shit’s made with like gasoline and other solvents
and if those things aren’t all removed properly, like you’re basically getting
lead (Pb) in solvents straight to your brain, like every time you do that shit,
unless it’s actually like high-quality
shit, like that movie “Blow”? Those guys are doing a favor for American
coke-users…until he was shut-down, but most of the other shit that’s brought
into this country is like way lower
quality standards, you know what I mean, so it’s just like, it fucks with
people’s heads permanently. And I
think I had that experience once with Molly where I got some shit at a concert
and I was not only fucked up that night, but fucked up for a long time after
that where I could feel kind of like the residual effects of that, and…(song
ends (beach rock)) another reason I didn’t pursue that course of work.
And
another reason why I wanted to get into my own version of drug-production was
because that was always my perspective of drugs being a social ill was that
most of the stuff people use, they’ll use anyway, but it’s ‘dirty,’ and the
fact that it’s ‘dirty’ means you’re going to have a bunch of people that are
fucked in the head permanently because they’re taking some dirty shit and not
something that would actually be like a cool experience and not that damaging
(“Right”) if it’s done well.
Stan: Yeah, with someone, in the right environment.
I did
something cool today, um, I confronted a guy, big, who I had a bad experience
with about how he acted the last time I saw him, George, the last time I saw
him, how he acted out. He acted like an
asshole…I didn’t bring it up to him like that initially, I told him, like, he
came up to approach me and …long story short, it turned out good, in a good
way, because there was good communication.
He didn’t recognize what happened.
Me: Well, who was
drunker? Because usually when two people
think one or the other is an asshole…
Stan: I straight up told him that I thought he was an
asshole, and was like, ‘the last time I talked to you, you were an asshole.’
And I’m like, ‘but wait, let me tell you this.
I’m telling you this because I care about you. Because I know that I ran into you and things
were not going right and you…’ because I think the first thing he asked me was,
‘oh how are things going for you dude?’
But he didn’t even say that, he was like, ‘hey, I know you’ and I said,
‘how are things going with you?’ And he’s like,’ oh bla-bla-bla-bla, I’m doing
this-this-this-this.’ And he asked, ‘oh, what about you?’ ‘The last time I ran
into you, you were an asshole, but I’m telling you this because I care about
you.’ And I broke it down really,
really, really terse, but I kinda got … because he really did… you know J.R.
from Toronto? Last time she was in here, he tried to act like a dick, he was like ‘don’t trust this man,
he’s a Communist!’ to me, like, and, shit, and he started doing other shit,
acting like an asshole, so I pushed him away, I didn’t even hurt him, I kept
him in the Jim’s Steakout door while she got the cab…anyway.
Me: What’s his economic system?
Stan: He doesn’t have one.
He’s an artist.
Me: So he’s a Communist.
Stan: He’s a Communist.
Me: So, right off that bat he’s accusing you of something
that’s hypocritical.
Stan: Yes. And look, maybe back at 16 I might have been a
Communist, but right now, I’m pretty hardcore Capitalist, maybe, not
Libertarian. I’m thinking about voting
for Donald Trump now that he won over Hillary Clinton. We can’t have a Bush-Clinton-Bush-Clinton.
Me: No, that’s actually my fear too…
Stan: I can’t do that! I can’t do that!
Me: I think that’s weird, and I think that they try to make
you choose between the lesser of two evils, and I think that that’s kind of
fucked up, because…
Stan: It’s just so sporadically out-of-control that, oh my
god, there’s just so much money involved and it’s way too out of control right
now.
Me: Well not enough people are engaged.
Stan: No, there’s not, but it’s way too out of control for
not enough people to be engaged. I was
talking to this other guy, Troubo? *belch* Eric Truder, his father ran for
mayor a few months ago…damn man, like, I don’t know what to tell you, nobody
wants to run for political process. It’s
a hard thing…
Me: And that’s like where…that’s where you’d want to vote
for someone with more political experience, because, I don’t know, if run the
country just like a Capitalist business, you’re going to maybe make the economy
more efficient, but is that really the best thing for overall happiness? You can put up statistics that make it seem
like everybody’s happy because, oh – unemployment rates are low or this, this,
or that number…or we’re safe. We haven’t
had a terrorist attack of a certain scale…And that’s the thing, once you’ve had an attack of a certain scale, like
September 11th, and you’re like ok, well, as long as it doesn’t top that, but we have mass shootings in
this country all the time where there’s 5 people down here, 10 people down
here, 20 people down here, and we’re like, oh well that’s acceptable because
it’s not that massive casualty statistic of September
11th, it’s something less
than that, and a scale of 10 less than that, but it’s happening so
frequently that you don’t even think about…
Stan: People are getting out of control, and people are
trying to be scientific about it, but they’re not really doing anything about
it.
Me: Well, the thing is we’ve become so separate as a
society, like we’re all single individual cells and people lash out in
frustration over that lack of community… If people were more organized then
people would be happier, but the fear is, of the government, that if the people
become more organized, you could start an army.
What if people who were touring, like the Hell’s Angels or a group like
that who are probably on FBI watch-lists, but what if the band Phish, what if
they’re followers were militarized? What if they
all had guns and they decided ‘that’s a lot of people’ but the problem is they’re
all…I’m not trying to militarize Phish, I’m just saying that something of that
scale would be like…
Stan: Organized. Music. Phish. I think you’re right. I think
there’s a loss in organization in communities as a whole did not sense to be a
part of anything.
Me: And it’s still based on ownership and working-class and
so there’s a very small group of owners and then there’s the disempowered
working-class.
Stan: What does the disempowered working class do? Besides guillotine
all the owners?
Me: No, I mean, they just go to work every day and their
standard of living is to an extent acceptable to them and that’s enough to make
them ignore everything else. They’re
like, ‘As long as I keep my head down, I keep at the grind, I’m going to be
able to get ahead,’ but they’re not thinking creatively, they’re just thinking
like point A point B, you know, I’m going to get from…and that’s a daily thing,
daily routine…I wake up at point A, I go to work at point B, and I come home
again and half the time I don’t even have a point C or D… in a lot of people’s
lives. And I’ve witnessed that
first-hand.
Stan: It happens. It’s true. It’s hard to be liberal in the
mindset as people describe it … when liberal, you want to be able to say, ‘yes,
I can agree with your ideas that you want to have the freedoms to choose and
pay the amount that you feel is right for taxes, for the local organizations,
communities, but in the long run, there’s already a system in place that’s
saying that these set numbers on what is and what it will cost to…
Me: I’m talking about how people spend their time, people
are Conservative with their time, when they should be like ‘I’m a free person’
and they should be able to go out and do those other things without feeling
overly burdened, you know, the things that people, everybody wants to do. You know, for some people point C and D are
coming home, crashing on their couch, and plugging into a videogame or watching
a movie, which is a completely manufactured lifestyle at that point.
Stan: I would be coming home and eating Iraina’s pussy, but
she’s not here...
Me: I’m not talking about you, I think you experience life
in your own way and I respect that…
Stan: But you’re right, I keep on coming back to this
neutralization of like, okay, as a community, as an organization, like ‘cause
it comes down to (when I see my friend with his girlfriend, I think) do I
really want a girlfriend?
Me: You look at their
relationship and you’re thinking, ‘I don’t know about that!’
Stan: Shit, man, I’ll tell you what I want, I want a girl
who comes out and dances with me … If I met a girl where if she stays with me,
I’m pretty sure she’d be a little skeptical of me too! But I think we’d get
along, cause’ …
Me: I would have a girlfriend if I was in love with a
girlfriend, but I’m not trying to force that situation. Because frankly, I feel like I’m better off
in life because I’m not burdened with a child
and a marriage and all those things, which, you know, I respect the
responsibilities …
Stan: I tried to give some girls that responsibility. I tried to impregnate ‘Dot’, I came in her
like 3, 4 times.
Me: Wait, she didn’t want you to?
Stan: No, she may have aborted my baby, but she never told
me.
Me: You kind of have to have a conversation about that
before you just start doing … shit! You
have that conversation!
Stan: I was hoping it would be an accident. An accidental miracle.
Me: But that makes it so much worse for her because if she’s the one that doesn’t want that, she has to go
through those extra steps.
Stan: She didn’t! Now she’s still single and wandering
around…
Me: She probably hates men now! Because of you! She’s
probably thinking now ‘I can’t have
fun because I could get pregnant,’ and you’re the one that put that in her
head.
Stan: I’m gonna call her up tomorrow and be like, ‘can you
not have fun anymore because I wanted you to have my babies?’
Me: I mean, I’m just saying this hypothetically…
Stan: It might work out, I might be able to get her back in
my life and have her babies.
Me: Yeah, well now she knows that’s where you were trying to
take it. That probably takes a while for
some people to process!
Stan: I pick ‘em out, I pick ‘em out, like okay, can I
picture her having my babies? A) No.
Okay, pull out, use a condom! B) Yes, maybe, alright, just shoot her up with
come and see what happens! …But she’s
got money to afford that. So she had
money in the first place to actually carry on that burden. So the point being
she was a good choice to start with.
Me: I don’t know, even if I were in a good financial
situation, as a woman (hypothetically) I think I would still seek child support
for you forcing that burden on me. And that would completely fuck up your life
because you’re not married to this person first, so you have no power in that
situation, in that decision. And your
whole life would be fuck for at least 18 years where you would have to pay a
certain amount of money and it would be a lien against you for your entire
life. And you wouldn’t even have the satisfaction of being part of that child’s
life if you make that decision like you’re ‘gonna shoot this girl up’ and she’s
going to have your kid. She could move across the country and never see her and
you’d still have to pay money!
Stan: She did go
cross country. You’re right, I should
tell some girls straight, that’s what I’m gonna do, like, ‘yo’, I just want
your babies,’ that I think they’re that
gorgeous.
Me: You’ve got to think
those things through because you’re
making a very, very uninformed decision that could have consequences for everybody’s lives.
Stan: I thought about
that and I thought about how many uninformed decisions are already made and I
feel like, I felt like, yes logically resubmit that they’re not logically made
out, but if I don’t make those illogical reasonable, like in the certain times when these decisions are being made,
like there’s a lot of people that aren’t in the world making logical decisions.
And I feel like I could …
Me: I could join that?
Stan: I feel like I could join that. I feel like that if I
had a child I actually would raise it right, I think that would put my life on
track.
Me: But you’re not
having the child. She’s having the
child.
Stan: Yeah, but I would help, well it’s all about how she
percei-, how she percei-, like how she would...
Me: You’re fucking up a year of her life where she has to
carry this child to term and give birth to this child, she could have to have
surgery because of that.
Stan: You have to understand if she actually wanted to have a baby, like if she were a horny yoga
girl, which she was, they all are. They
all are. If they want to. If she really
wanted a baby like she really does she could just shut the fuck up and have the baby, and like, what it really comes
down to is whether she’s going to be like a mutual like respective parent with
me or if she’s going to charge me child support.
Me: Right, which if you don’t have an arrangement beforehand
other than let’s bang without consequences and you want to make it, ‘let’s bang
with consequences,’ and not communicate that to her…
Stan: Well bitches don’t know I’ve got multiple angles of
attacks. That’s what this box is a
fuckin’ bout. Pay your deductibles.
Me: But your angle of attack is speaking to them in such a
way that is so roundabout and haphazard that you’re not communicating to them
Stan: Yeah, it scares them.
Me: And then you’re basically lying to them or remaining
silent about your true intentions, which is not a virtuous thing to be at all…
Stan: No, not with Dot, but with the new ones, yeah, the new
ones, like the new ones I just don’t really, I haven’t planted a seed, no, I
haven’t done that, or wrapped it up. Yeah, it’s been like that, it’s been
wrapped up for a while. But, yeah, no,
there’s been a couple of situations where I let it loose like yeah very few,
but, yeah, I think that’s why I say it’s a special thing, it’s not just like every
willy-nilly…I’m not as promiscuous as I could sound as I am, trying, not,
trying to be, but as I search and seek and look for yeah that badass bitch like I
think the majority of ‘em get passed through there not really… not that they
aren’t good girls, I just don’t really trust them or they don’t really come off
as they know what they have. When they
don’t know what they’re doing in
their own life I can’t really trust them.
If they don’t know who themselves are – know what you want…know who you
are.
Me: Know who themselves are?
Stan: Know who themselves are. Know what you want, respect others…and
know yourself, yeah.
Me: But you’re demanding of them something you don’t know of
yourself!
Stan: Know yourself. I
think I know what I want and I know… I respect others, but I think knowing
myself is something I’ve been working…I’m always changing actually. It’s not changing, I guess I do know what I
want. And you’ll say what do you want? And I’ll be like, ‘I don’t know,’ but I
feel, I feel pretty confident that I know that I want to be comfortable.
Me: Well there’s middle America, they’re shrinking somehow…
Stan: Maybe Donald Trump will promote Bill Murray.
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