The Order of
Things: An Archaeology of the Human Sciences
--
Metathesis –
the transposition of sounds or letters in a word
Pasigraphy – a
writing system where each symbol represents a concept. Its aim is
universal intelligibility (The Glass Bead Game?)
Vowels in
Isolation:
A for possession
(avoir, to have)
E for existence
I for puissance
(power)
O for étonnement (astonishment, eyes
opened wide)
U for humidité (humidity) and
therefor for humeur (mood)
“This object of
extension of which all natural beings are constituted – an
extension that may be affected by four variables. And by four
variables only:
The form of the
elements,
the quantity of those elements,
the manner in
which they are distributed in space in relation to each other,
and
the relative magnitude of each element.
As Linneaus said,
in a passage of capital importance, ‘every note should be a produce
of number, of form, or proportion, of situation.”
“…things can
now be established in a manner that excludes all uncertainty…the
arrangement of its elements into a linear series patterns
representation according to an evident and universal mode.”
P134-6
“All the
creatures that taxonomy has arranged in an uninterrupted simultaneity
are then subjected to time.”
P151
“Imagination…the
ambiguous locus in which the shattered but insistent continuity of
nature was united with the empty but attentive continuity of
consciousness.”
P160
“’The
excessive abundance of money, which makes the power of states while
it lasts, thrusts them imperceptibly and naturally into indigence.’”
“It would be
untrue to say that nature spontaneously produces values; but it is
the inexhaustible source of the goods that exchange transforms into
values, though not without expenditure and consumption.
The Physiocrats
begin their analysis with the thing itself which is designated in
value, but which exists prior to the system of wealth.”
P195
“The visible
order, with its permanent grid of distinctions, is now only a
superficial glitter above an abyss.”
P251
“…for those
who are hungry, wheat is scarce; but for the rich who make up
society, diamonds are scarce.
…labour –
that is, economic activity – did not make its appearance in world
history until men became too numerous… humanity is henceforth
laboring under the threat of death…”
P256
“Homo
oeconomicus is not the human being who represents his own needs
to himself, and the objects capable of satisfying them; he is the
human being who spends, wears out, and wastes his life in evading the
imminence of death.”
P257
“Ground rent is
the effect, not of a prolific nature, but of the avarice of the land.
Now, this avarice becomes more perceptible every day: the
population, in fact, increases; progressively poorer land is brought
under cultivation; the costs of production increase; the prices of
agricultural products increase, and ground rents with them. Under
this pressure, it is very possible – indeed necessary – that the
nominal wage of the labourers will also begin to rise, in order to
cover the minimum costs of their subsistence; but, for the same
reason, their real wage can never rise in practice above the sum that
is indispensable to provide them with clothing, shelter, and food.”
“Expressing
their thoughts in words of which they are not the masters, enclosing
them in verbal forms whose historical dimensions they are unaware of,
men believe that their speech is their servant and do not realize
that they are submitting themselves to its demands.”
P297
“…in the very
heart of empiricity, there is indicated the obligation to work
backwards – or downwards – to an analytic of finitude, in which
man’s being will be able to provide a foundation in their own
positivity for all those forms that indicate to him that he Is not
infinite. And the first characteristic with which this analytic will
mark man’s mode of being, or rather the space in which that mode of
being will be deployed in its entirety, will be that of repetition –
of the identity and the difference between the positive and the
fundamental: the death that anonymously gnaws at the daily existence
of the living being is the same as that fundamental death on the
basis of which my empirical life is given to me; the desire that
links and separates men in the neutrality of the economic process is
the same as that on the basis of which everything is desirable for
me; the time that bears languages along upon it, that takes up its
place within them and finally wears them out, is the same time that
draws my discourse out, even before I have pronounced it, into a
succession that no man can master. From one end of experience to the
other, finitude answers itself; it is that identity and the
difference of the positivities, and of their foundation, within the
figure of the Same.”
P315
“…ought we
not remind ourselves that we are bound to the back of a tiger?”
P322
“…the chaotic
accumulation of contents, the weight of experiences constantly
eluding themselves, the whole silent horizon of what is posited in
the sandy stretches of non-thought. Because he is an
empirico-transcendental doublet, men is also the locus of
misunderstanding – of misunderstanding that constantly exposes his
thought to the risk of being swamped by his own being, and also
enables him to recover his integrity on the basis of what eludes
him.”
P323
“…the cogito
does not lead to an affirmation of being, but it does lead to a whole
series of questions concerned with being…”
P325
An sich –
Noumenon – posited object or event that exists independently of
human sense perception.
Für
sich – Explicit/actual – Being-for-itself / being which
defines its own bounds and determines its own properties (Autonomous)
Unbewusste
– Unconscious Mind
“…in every
case, the inexhaustible double that presents itself to reflection as
the blurred projection of what man is in his truth, but that also
plays the role of a preliminary ground upon which man must collect
himself and recall himself in order to attain his truth.”
P327
“For modern
thought, no morality is possible.
Can we say that
it is not known by those who, in their profound stupidity, assert
that there is no philosophy without political choice, that all
thought is either ‘progressive’ or ‘reactionary’?”
P328
“This is
because man, in fact, can be revealed only when bound to a previously
existing historicity: he is never contemporaneous with that origin
which is outlined through the time of things even as it eludes the
gaze; when he tries to define himself as a living being, he can
uncover his own beginning only against the background of a life which
itself began long before him; when he attempts to re-apprehend
himself as a laboring being, he cannot bring even the most
rudimentary forms of such a being to light except within a human time
and space which have been previously institutionalized, and
previously subjugated by society; and when he attempts to define his
essence as a speaking subject, prior to any effectively constituted
language, all he ever finds is the previously unfolded possibility of
language, and not the stumbling sound, the first word upon the basis
of which all languages and even language itself became possible. It
is always against a background of the already begun that man is able
to reflect on what may serve for him as origin.”
P330
“…psychoanalysis
moves towards the moment…This means that, unlike the human
sciences, which, even while turning back towards the unconscious,
always remain within the space of the representable, psychoanalysis
advances and leaps over representation, overflows it on the side of
norms, conflicts burdened with rules, and significations forming a
system, the simple fact that it is possible for there to be
System (therefore
signification),
Rule (therefore
conflict),
Norm (therefore
function).
…function and
norms, attains its foundation in the mute repetition of Death,
Conflicts and
rules their foundation in the naked opening of Desire,
Significations
and systems their foundation in a language which is at the same time
Law.
…this Death,
and this Desire, and this Law can never meet within the knowledge
that traverses in its positivity the empirical domain of man; but the
reason for this is that they designate the conditions of possibility
of all knowledge about man.”
P374-5
“…man is an
invention of recent date. And one perhaps nearing its end.”
It's said, ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,’ but
if you were to kill me, I may find myself in a greater harmony which
may be more uncomfortable for you.
When does one cease to find innocent joy in the sound of one’s own
heartbeat transformed into something more deeply sonorous, full of
telltales, spooky? Face-down in bed, eyes wide open, grimacing if
not straight-up gnashing, grinding jawbone to TMJ, conscious of only
one’s own autonomic nervous system, my head’s up my own ass like
some mental contortionist capable of cranio-rectal implantation and
oblation like a bloody ouroboros in distaste! Face-down in bed
(prone), an incursion of cockroach-related particulate-matter turns
my eyes toward communism (pink)! From the white purity of what?
Insular anarchy? What amounts to children stranded on an island
where normalcy far from domestic civility may be said to tenuously
exist. Drunk and high from avoiding my ‘yes sir’ duties to
society or whatsoever have you. Held in contempt for snoring, what
is one ignoring if not breathing exercises? Pranayama – Oh Mama!
Am I out-of-pace with society’s keep-up? Or am I out of touch
with society’s upkeep or whatever is presupposed on one’s arrival
to ‘kept’ society, where loans used to be financial games, but
now things are more serious with customary rule changes – where
poor gamers are found to hunger IRL.
Out of pace with
society’s keep-up, God on high reports, “I might need you
to seek refuge; as a civilian to an invading force.” Sun Tzu knows
one does not go to war unless victory is believed to be assured and
the only ones to bear history’s narrative be the victors. Spoiling
it for everyone on this side of a fence like a border wall,
“Thank you for fresh carcasses, comrade,”
(as my intrusion crustily inspissates). My ‘why’
– she wants to tell me what to do, but she doesn’t want to tell
me what’s going on behind-the-scenes and yet she’s gathering my
‘intel’ at a concerning rate. These points of data are
indicative of some obfuscatory function! Coupled to an invented
interpretation that serves to find fault. (Meanwhile, she’s
breaking my mirrors). ‘There’s more than one way to skin
a cat’ and so many disorders manifest similarly, hence how the
practice of medicine is able to treat, based on similarity of
presentation. ‘All the world’s a stage’ and some people play
sick roles. Some desire to ‘stay sick’ (a bumper-sticker)
because feelings associated with said disease appeal to something at
least known in the world (albeit abased) and that knowledge
one feels power over, whether to indulge or deny based on the
usefulness of symptomatology to achieve material gains. Over others,
in denial that such toxic behavior will get the best of them (not
today!) one pushes off significant change for the betterment of
selves and society for some fleeting comfort – a future anxiety.
Softening my
gaze,
‘what is in accordance with nature as harmony…’ it is commented
upon that I’m up early today! Instant discord. “...the
child – and he is more than a witness, he is a scapegoat!” And
often things get worse before they get better...how are compromise
and tolerance in a relationship dismissive? This missive seeks
official answers and final solutions! These things
grievous in nature, how are they natural? Too pedantic? Such
aggression toward one who presents opposition, sure, but out of
filial piety – a moral of sinology (Confucianism)
that Nietzsche would likely
scoff at as an observer of circumstantial disharmony – “change
your tune!”
‘Negging’
– negative encouragement, how does tearing down the self-perception
of another build one up?! ‘Doc sez sensory imp-puts test well, so
perception-of-others is thusly validated. What test might one
physician perform to test self-perception/reflection – crossword
puzzles? Even such games have been found offensive. What fails to
offend the senses? Mom’s lasagna temporarily sates, but
the pork sausage
doesn’t sit well: mother’s revenge, Montezuma’s schadenfreude.
5/22
Was
at a local drinking-establishment/beer & pizza watering-hole near an early closing time. It began raining heavily so I requested my roommate I knew was sitting at home, watching TV and lives in normal walking distance to come pick me up. He arrived right away, rapping
at the chamber
door. Everyone's thought, "Was that
old drunk John trying to get
one
after closing time?" Everyone
agreed not to let him in, yet I
followed him out, having
asked for the convenience.
As one’s convenience is
another’s inconvenience (apparently, in this case) he
was mad at me for not being outside right away
– when I paid my check and still had half a beer, and a shot was
being served me from another patron.
He was argumentative off the bat (at the outset of our interaction)
for being discourteous when a
parameter for courtesy had not been clearly defined/established.
Guilt
at arraignment! An efficient judicial system! In the wrong for
being charged to begin with! “I am confident that the charges
levied against me are in accordance with my acts, however my
ignorance is to be found within the arbitrary
structure – the moral
hierarchy itself!” The order of the court: does it align with the
natural order of things?
Do the rules of man’s arbitration follow intuitively from the laws
of nature? What one would consider a mathematic derived as a reading
of weight upon a scale, another applies a discursive formulaic to
integral constants – weighing into the moment of offense
past/historical interpretations of the way things have gone as well
as future trajectory variability for how things may
have gone, but didn't - an attempt to verify an inaccuracy. “Your
desires are greater than your reason, and your vanity is even greater
than your desires…” goes
a mocking patron <#160>
How would I feel if I had spent an entire sunny Spring day in front
of a television set? Not very good! Perhaps angry at myself for
squandering time in my life so inordinately on syndicated “Seinfeld”
and live golf. Isn’t being tired exhausting, fatiguée?
I know it puts me to sleep if I were to engage in something so
mindlessly – an emptiness forms, there is so little left of self
that love
becomes a foreign concept (a commercial to skip) and vanity escapes
all reasonable desire. (As I dream of elder abuse…) True, if there
were no television, there would not be that same suffering
distraction, that blameworthy device that some binge upon as addict
archetypes.
Still,
addict archetypes always have been able to find some (electrical)
outlet
for their desire for loving attachment that may have been lacking in
formative years. It’s as if I expect a mentally disordered
individual to exceed my expectations! It’s as if I expect demons
to exorcise themselves! The problem with T.V. is diminishing returns
as it comes to alleviating boredom, as occurs with most drugs of
choice. Like an old definition for autism – fantasy as an escape
from reality – but because fantasy and reality function through the
device closely in parallel, they become conflated. A man’s
expectations in general become fantastic and hyperbolic through this
diffusion of conscious activity directed toward what amounts to a
scattering of light and sound. Interpreted by the receiver thereof
as sensible (it tickles the senses) and because one has indeed made
sense of such an array, reality itself seems more masterable. It’s
fantasy training! However, because of constant cut-scenes and
commercial interrupts, it is non-sequential. One’s attention,
while affixed on one target, is paradoxically broken by the object
itself, its twisted contents. The object itself, although boxy and
rectangular, because it takes on the form, bearing, and voice of
competing personalities, is anthropomorphized, and sometimes
vicariously so, that the consumed individual imagines one’s own
personality to consist of myriad vested interests, fantastically
regulated by a light-up plastic wand. Competing
for your attention, content production teams intent on administering
gratifying imagery – bleach white teeth, Botox, make-up, costume,
lighting – all the things that make life seem so neat and orderly,
all the things that cost millions, millions
of hours of entertainment.
To
arise without dispute! Many may not consider such a luxury, but when
one’s very existence is an offense to another, much may be thrown
in doubt (if one is found violable). One’s individuality affirms
acceptance or rejection: one’s opinions may be more or less
well-founded (if ascertained in good health/spirits). One needn’t
advantage oneself over another to achieve validation. Good practice
is self-sufficient in and of itself (leaning against the wall (Pink
Floyd) is the beginning of dualism (Suzuki)). One’s posture serves
to describe how one fits/sits into this life (yet even hunchbacks are
validated when ringing church bells (Hugo)). It’s not only what
you say it’s how you say it (rhetorically). Context matters (more
than color)! Does my conceptualization ring true? It’d
be more efficient if I were to treat myself like shit so as to save
you the effort!
To
ascend without disputation! What
corporate ladder is that?! Engine like a heart, heart like
galvanized steel, what really gets me off is suffering and misery –
self-validation at another’s expense. When one is a child – new
to the world – how is physical pain & mental anguish not
tyrannical to me?!
Because the suffering is chosen/known, new mothers transcend
limitations. What did you expect? A bigger baby?! Bad parents
complain about unexpected/unresearched consequences of parenthood,
externalizing anger at self for unforseeing
/ lacking foresight, and continuing to fall behind, lose posture,
social standing, and quantum ascendancy? Suffering lower energy
states, blame is easily placed on youth for one’s lack of
youthfulness – imagining a quantity lacking in abundance,
one becomes deluded.
A
beginner’s mind goes beyond/transcends questioning? ‘Why does
such-and-such exist?’ implies a lack of acceptance. Even the most
pious of judges demand exclusivity! My transcendental substantiation
goes beyond mere form to content – goes beyond alimentary demands
to guts & backbone! Form indicates, content describes. Peace
pipes down! What one does not accept, one more easily does away
with. One’s favor is implied by its being allowed to be around.
How can one kill what one does not understand? Our bodies contain
what is true within.
If
one does not eat, drink, and breathe everything – have you not
tried Louis’ antipasto? Superman? If this moment is all that
exists in time, how am I not spoon-fed? Emotionally mercurial
individuals qualify feelings as greater than/less than even though
these feelings exist in an
abundance beyond quantification.
“Unacculturate yourself! The culture isn’t just out there.
When you see an old person, you have a certain set of thoughts
that are conditioned by your culture that are in you now,
they’re no longer out there. You just have them, you have
to get rid of those first. In other words, If you’re going to be
free of a dysfunctional mythology that leaves aging as a time of
sadness, loss, and fear...and irrelevance – it’s certainly going
to color the quality of your life.”
From Ras Dass – The Miracle of Consciousness (lecture, 1996)
As the Jews were only fit for slavery and death, sub-human,
offensive...The arrogance of those who think they know, but wrongly,
or are intentionally trying to deceive, see the word as merely
a tool, and subordinate it as one would some polytheistic deity that
is fit for only novelty and intrigue, but which bears no more basis
on understanding than it may have once possessed. “Expressing their
thoughts in words of which they are not the masters, enclosing them
in verbal forms whose historical dimensions they are unaware of, men
believe that their speech is their servant and do not realize that
they are submitting themselves to its demands.”* This
communication would not be worth the time if such a superior model of
efficiency, living ones days in a certain manner prescribed by
modernist mythology, were not proscribed by the Good Book! [‘This
is how the world will end the day I die!’] Even if one ascribes to
the purely physical perichoresis (triune (3-in-1? Yes, but moreso 3-and-1)) of that stupid Jew
Einstein (E=mc2), a measure of light is exponentially more
constant than a measure of mud! And what does that mean to a modern
materialist’s spirituality? How much energy can be derived? What
does saponification mean to a soap-maker? Early this morning,
watching a mockingbird drive away a crow, I remember old Finch, and
how ‘It’s a sin to kill a mockingbird…’ Is it arrogation to
believe that this old crow (a murderer, by definition) is not a
threat? So, one needs to chase the false and destructive set of
beliefs from one’s own home, one’s own heart, in order to achieve
harmony. Beyond that, there is an old poem about a miser whose fears
come to rest above his chamber door in the form of an ebony bird
which proves the indicative source of a perplexing nostalgia in “The
Raven.” How seriously should one regard this man in his tedious
and solitary plight?
How seriously does one take one’s investments, as a set of beliefs?
One’s personality becomes invested in one’s own mythology.
“Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are
both true and kind, they can change our world,” said the Buddha.
Fuck that! Lin Chi (some old sage) also said, “If you meet the
Buddha on the road, kill him.” What did that homicidal maniac have
in mind? What was his motive, your honor? According to Google, NPR,
“He meant that those who think they’ve found all the answers in
any religion need to start questioning.” How is this not solvent?
Apparently it is more common for one to run out of questions before
one runs out of answers. What is your final solution?!
Shelley from Discover/Experian calls, first thing in the
morning, to help me resolve my credit issues.Apparently an individual in a house in Oklahoma City attached to my name
has attempted to steal my identity.Both
Capital One and American Express are on my side!I know who I am right off the top of my
head!And my personal details are
consistent with one with such and such identifying features interiorly held.
Rain dance rained ants
my pants a party!
Rained on rain Don,
Alpha Beta Capo…
Later on I’m feeling anxious about having dealt with these
agencies.I am on the Abteilung’s
(“office department’s”) general radar.The cold war spy novel I’m reading is increasing my situational
awareness or paranoia that there may be agents on my case.My own agency (autonomy) dictates that I am
okay with being surveilled as long as my agency is not revoked, which I
understand could occur swiftly and at any moment given the powers that be and
their wavering inclination towards mercy.
On top of everything I’ve been
paying for this one poor girl’s gas utility and the entire time without her
asking, or perhaps even considering the possibility that at the very least some
gratitude (not much!) might be revealed. Or have the wherewithal to recognize
that things could get worse before they get better.If provoked, what might be revoked?What rights does a criminal have?Some real sons of bitches talk shit about
their own mother!And daughters of cunts
too.Why do they speak this way?When will peace be possible?When will I get a word in edgewise?They go on and on about their problems
without regard for orthopraxy (“right practice”) let alone orthodoxy (“right
belief”).John on my right hits me on
the shoulder again to get my attention or to prove a point.Face of a man who has never been in a real
physical altercation.Richard on my left
was fired yesterday for threatening a co-worker, although he’s in denial about
it, says he in fact had walked away after merely barking an order, but his best
friends know, what did he really
do?Yes, he probably threatened her, but
it was worth it.So now what?Well, he used to fight his sons and his
lovers’ boyfriends, workout, and smoke cocaine, but that’s all in the
past.Maybe he’ll ride his bike.
Everything is small to a man like
Richard and everything is big to a man like John.They represent, on either side, my sense of
proportion in dealing with stressors in my own life.Marcus Aurelius is famously quoted as saying,
“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing
itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at
any moment,” is one translation.I am
the peace in the middle of a man for whom everything is too big and another for
whom everything is too small, and neither wear specks.John thinks I look like his tall Irish friend
who sold his lucrative bakery for a whopping 42 million!He must think I look rich, or perhaps he’s
seeing through me to Richard, who has some savings, but not enough to keep
drinking past tonight.Not opaque, I
opine as if eluviated (a movement of water through soil).I let the tears seep into me, neon-lit
confessional at capacity.It makes me
sick to think the world in which I reside does not rationalize similarly. (I'm really sick because the booze is depriving my body of nutrients and my soul is being washed out again).
5/14
And to top it off, my writing is
suffering disruptions.My peace of mind
has mostly maintained its tenacity, but the external circumstances have changed
in such a way as to limit the times I’d rather be burning midnight oils by curfew.This is not unfamiliar, just familiar in all
the wrong ways, not worthy of repetition.Because of new space and time constraints, my existence is being
squeezed into new conformations with its healthy levels of stress?Survival is strengthening (what doesn’t
kill…).
Dictato-chips eat me from the
inside.What I’d rather be doing is of
zero use and may in fact be detrimental to normal functioning.My mistakes, are they glaring?Spiritually masked (name?), does life begin
randomly?Sex with ‘randoes’ creates a
chasm between what has become and what was meant to be.What am I responding to ignorantly?Undesirable intimacy may abound and
trap.The world lived within as an
object of affection/affliction one loves
to torture to death seeing the
opposite side of some binary coinage.Drinking the vodka of absolutism, what is good for one goose is to place
restrictions on ganders.The war is
never over, Primo, and
now you know it.The guar gum of the
psyche chews up jelly flesh:a brain
like a sponge and a sponge like a supervisory board.Psychoanalyses statistically show my
crystalline imperfections spectrophotometrically, in a cuvette.What of my neighbors do I covet?Their well-arranged dogs?Why does one expect oneself to die
suddenly?Holy anxiety!It’s an aneurysm spelling itself!It may be scarier than a blinking
poltergeist!The psychological thriller
I call a trip to the moon turns into a diatribe against venture capitalists’
usury.Fudge my numbers because they may
or may not correlate consistently with the night before yesterday when I was
more sober-minded.Synchronicities keep
me in line or let my awareness become cognizant of alignment?Kismet phenomenology: specifications for
occurrences rated more highly than (mere) coincidence – of a particular
meaningfulness of the reporting perceiver.However, does correlation superimpose a positivity bias to the actual
uniqueness of an experience?Whose
questionnaire has been conceptualized numerically?The fact that I’m even awake (at such an hour)
is a miracle of modern science in a world that either discredits miracles or
denigrates the wonders of modern science (enjoyed by all equally?)He who has no complaints is not over-satiated,
anyway.Does my belief in my own
moderateness blind me to immoderation?What does that even mean?My
belief in my being moderate often and with care may somehow contain a (speed) trap
within itself.Something snappy and cerulean!“Am I making things worse for myself?” is a
weird question to ask oneself in the middle of a solo performance: such is
being upstaged.
If I doubt doubt, does a double-negative displace faithfulness?My car’s engine, misfiring, how is this
related to hiccups, spasms, stutters, and tics?Does my self-abasement consume my youthfulness?I’m having trouble getting out of my funk
because I no longer feel safe to be myself, again.The being that my Holy Father sought to
create is not the same as his
self-identification and it is found offensive to him!I am an objectionable
object once more.I’m welcomed back to
the Bee Shack, a recurrent dream where a minute moves time forward a day and
what is a consideration quickly becomes an urgent necessity for pest control!Paranoia becomes an incessant stinging,
holed-up (it’s difficult to move (the acceleration of time and related G-forces)) in an exponentially untenable situation.The outside world is none the wiser!This is representative of my unwillingness
(inability?) to move quickly so to address some quickly changing scenarios that
are:
A)My health – liver, alcohol, lack of exercise
B)My living/work situation – desiring to move/find
a new job
C)My financials, which seem laughable in the face
of Foucault’s modern world and Levi’s post-war hell-scape.How do my influences impact my
decision-making?
D)I don’t like the way I look in the mirror!
5/9 – Quotes are from Nietzsche’s Daybreak.
“…esteem, the mark
of the moral… (duty) recognition of a categorical imperative…every ought derives all sense and meaning
simply and solely in reference to threatened punishment or promised reward.” XV
MIB neuralized – the
best way to lose a productive train of thought is to wake up and consult the
black pocket mirror.Dreams away!My contestations washed into a data-stream,
where originality finds a gravesite.My
weaknesses I seek to overcome begin with developing new patterns of behavior
such as not touching, exposing myself, or otherwise falling prey to false idleness’ that serve to
manufacture a compliant citizenry.
“Popular medicine and popular morality belong together and
ought not to be evaluated so differently as they are: both are the most dangerous pseudosciences.” #11
“The good mood was placed on the scales as an argument and
outweighed rationality…” #28
I find
it most disturbing about myself that I often fail to nurture relationships –
because that requires effort – and instead fall upon nature – where in the
natural order of things (according to Machiavelli) men trend towards evil, or
what is one’s self-perceived best interests, so that relationships become
commercial, merely an exchange of what one has to offer another and to exploit
any available supply to avail one’s aims.Human resources, all!Is it not
impossible to feel free when categorical imperatives call upon one to act
calculatingly and shrewdly when it comes to interpersonal behavior & communication?Is innocence capable of restoration?To the confessional!If I believe in the punishment of sinners, am
I not also being punished in some commensurate measure? Is a pleasure derived
from imaginary sufferings?Let the idea
suffer itself and die alone.Leave
vengeance for the ancient and savage gods thereof.
5/16
Thinking
about the Buffalo/Tops shooter who managed to kill 10.I find it most disturbing about myself that I
consider more his life than the lives of his victims.Perhaps I recognize that their suffering is
over, while his is just beginning.Yes,
those who knew and cared for the deceased will mourn, and that is a pain that spreads
and thus is naturally addressed and mollified by the supportive community, that
while wounded, must endure the shock and as a categorical imperative
improve.This act of war/call to arms/
act of terrorism/ act of treason… At some point (one would hope) the shooter
will have realized that his pre-meditation was ‘incomplete’ let’s say.An 18 y/o ‘adult’ destined for engineering
school decided to get a jump on his curriculum by doing some voluntary social
engineering, believing himself an example worthy of adherent followers and
future vindication.It is interesting
thinking how technology advances our access to information and has in many ways
a regressive effect on ‘semi-literate’ individuals inundated (and wanting to
look smart).
“All actions may be traced back to evaluations, all
evaluations are either original or adopted – the latter being by far the
most common.Why do we adopt them? From
fear – that is to say, we consider it more advisable to pretend they are our
own… we arrive at it as children, and
rarely learn to change our view; most of us are our whole lives long the fools
of the way we acquired in childhood of judging our neighbors (their minds,
rank, morality, whether they are exemplary or reprehensible)…” #104 “And if the
reason of mankind is of such
extraordinarily slow growth that it has often been denied that it has grown at
all during the whole course of mankind’s existence…” #107
(Of
course inevitable irony in the adopted quotation). Of course I don’t always agree with every evaluation, but one’s ability to conceptualize abstract
notions with cogency may be more or less admirable.Next-generational ‘influencers’ resort to more
extreme tactics in order to get noticed!
“The striving for distinction keeps a constant eye on the
next man and wants to know what his feelings are: but the empathy which this
drive requires for its gratification is far from being harmless or sympathetic
or kind.” #113
This
reading reminds me of how Nietzsche himself is often considered an integral
link between philosophy and the psychoanalysis of Freud since reevaluating
morality is synonymous with mental-disorder in this context.What was previously evaluated as sinfulness
by religions, (where all are born sinners who could only hope for redemption
through faith (orthodoxy) and saved from excess suffering through adhering to
God’s Laws (orthopraxy)) now, the route to power
could be obtained by putting the Human Condition in other words!Through science! Grandiosity: the protracted
narrative.Knowing thyself becomes a
complex/diverse symptomatology that has the capacity to become all-consuming
(solipsistic).This self-subsumed
psychology organizes one around a schedule for what is popular in dietetics and
maximal for sleep.Alimentary (my dear
Watson!) And once one is optimally primed due to such self-care, it is to such
an extent that any outside entity not in complete admiration, agreeance, or
harmony are threat to comfort, convenience, and material satiety.What kind of hagiography does this map?
I find
most disturbing about myself the desire for reciprocal ills to fall on those
who have taken me out of loving relationships with others and with the
world.(But I let that go when I’m not
being actively oppressed.)A time
dilation occurs, I can feel a fury or ire rise up inordinate to myself that
must be reflective of the energy I feel in those circumstances. It is as though my soul is being drawn out of
myself toward the emptiness, hollowness, or void of a vacuum I assume an absence thereof seeks.How can one ever
err if one is so empty? How is her
physical pain and her mental anguish not tyrannical to me?The relationship with my ‘why’ is not the
first instance of personality disorder in a close relationship, and the
question remains about how one externalizes one’s internal circumstances in
accordance with God (subsumed self) and the church of concerned friends.One’s natural inclination is toward pity, yet
pity expressed toward another is often found reprehensible to the one being
pitied.“To savages the idea of being
pitied evokes a moral shudder: it divests one of all virtue.To offer pity is as good as to offer contempt…”
#135.
Home, she suffers the residuum of his disturbances.At the club, she’s smug.“As children grow to adulthood, they continue
to relate to other selfish people the same way they were emotionally
conditioned to do as a child.” (Psychology Today)
What do I do that is so selfless?Well,
at least I slow my vehicle to at most the speed limit in neighborhoods with
children, dogs, and walkers.Being in a
rush in a motor vehicle is potentially injurious.One could have left earlier if one
anticipates being late.The attitude
upheld and maintained is that one’s life takes precedence over others’.Because there is no belief in God or Spirit
there are no angels or old souls! That is, any one more worthy of respect than oneself. Orcas are still cool though, right?
Smoking as a ‘good
habit’ (without Godot to tell me otherwise).Tired of waiting?I was staying
in bed, dream-looping a trip to the toilet while remaining put until enuresis.This is me avoiding the spontaneity that is anything spontaneous happening
to me!The victim of a potential trauma
that may require a nurse’s assistance!To l’hopital!Where a salty nurse, begrudging her job
doesn’t really care whether patient 'A' lives or dies.(She begins to care when patient Omega
threatens her livelihood, key to her very life.)
“Anybody can stay
up to 3, try 4, with a (key) bump, but try waking
up at 4 (and staying awake) to see a real G suffering,” a day nurse
recognizing a drug epidemic has her working overtime administers a Demerol to
supplement a Fentanyl patch for a hit-and-run victim of unpaid debt to a
black-market drug-dealing collective.This new addict
will be able to be farmed for his prescription fills in his convalescence.
“Books done?” at a
warehouse so stereotypical of villains.
“BBQ’d,” Another
burn victim presents.
“More morphine,
STAT!” as a smoky mess agonizes on a gurney.
“What did he do to
get burned this way?I can smell the
gasoline.This was no crash.”
Synecdoche of a
catachrestic metonym: What it’s like to live at the wrong place at presumably
the wrong time.You just feel like Jonah being thrown overboard
to pacify the sea. Since he seemed so at peace with the roiling seas, fast
asleep, he presented not a hand on deck despite the captain’s calling, (one might
interpret, given the Biblical context).Every able-bodied man who didn’t want to be swallowed up by a big fish
should have reported.Nary a ceremony of
the plank for the condemned!The captain
was convinced based on pure logic – do unto others – that he would always be a
deckhand, and that if he ever missed a day of duty, he’d be willing to suffer the fate of Davy Jones.Especially when one
considers it is possible by some
miracle to arrive on the shores of Nineveh a more enlightened being!Just ask Yann Martel!If Zarathustra
can experience enlightenment from talking to monsters and rocks, how much more so
is one enlightened by navigating the sea?How much Will is required to smack Chris?!
“Christ
almighty!I couldn’t believe!" and back into his own thoughts, "The thing is I get bummed out when I
disappoint myself and instead of not disappointing myself I perform rituals
that allow me to feel less bummed out, but the things that I do to feel less
bummed out bum me out sometimes more than I felt before,” speaks an addict
archetype.
“It’s only natural
to desire to feel more or not-go-numb
in other parlance,” says my maternal therapist, “although the occasional
psychotic episodes may be found to be problematic in uncertain company.Which is really why one should surround
oneself with those deemed trustworthy,” which makes common sense enough it
seems. “That one Pink Floyd song, ‘Comfortably Numb’ comes
to mind. The dark, existential quandary of
trying to escape oneself, or at least avoid what it is about oneself that is
painful to experience or re-experience.But are any two April showers identical?”
Baby Cantillon’s
fontanelle!Is there any other way to
see Hell?Here goes Virgil, I suppose:
I can’t I can’t I can’t (go to) Canton, OH(IO). Canto? I shake my head ‘no’.I hear myself sing. No secrets? No
secretions? Does nothing become sanguine? Do I feel no shame? When I act in accordance with nature or
my will, what seems like a mistake
becomes a learning experience which will
in turn become a consequence of who I
am. What is it like to be me? Few
know, fewer care, but I’d rather be
unknown in a world not meant for me, not particularly
motivated nor enlightened enough to be.Whatever
one might say of privilege, if I didn’t have any,
I suppose it’d be an honor to know, or at least
be introduced.What is unidentifiable is
always
the greatest threat because it really makes one
feel out-of-control (which I guess is desirable).
In today’s day ‘n’
age, Will attempts to divide a diamond on live TV with his bare hands! A retiring mineralogist speaks to jade:
I’m outside
myself.I’m not interested in you
anymore.I have to build myself up just
to be around you, and you’re no longer worth it to me.It’s hard for me to do what I do - act this
way – and I no longer find it enjoyable to be around you, to be in your
presence.Although I consider myself a
righteous man and understanding certain commitments and vows were made to one
another both in public and in secrecy, they are null in my soul and void in my
heart and that is a feeling that is both total satiation and emptiness at the
same damn time!If I had more words for
you or things to say, I would, but I’m out.
So he leaves his
old home (that is an embarrassment of wealth-equality in that neighborhood), punching bag slung over his
back, a work in progress.
How is my inner
hummingbird not self-referential?Source
of sugar-water I suppose, psychic hologram feet give birth to Rowan Atkinson's face.If one’s failure is inevitable, fail, and get
over it.Sisyphus scoffs (but keeps
pushin’!).So far my consciousness
practice has net me three hours today that in days prior I would have
slept.As I enjoyed long nights, so too
shall I enjoy my longer days?Life is
but a dream!Excessive rest and
audiences lose interest.What are you,
retired?Of the world, but not at the
same time, stories of ascetic monks creep in from Asia, where feats of
endurance continue.What we see as a war
may be considered a scuffle to the history of the land itself, reclaiming a
deforested urban center (capital or not) that has not enough root (chakra) to
sustain itself on the surface of the suddenly engulfing terrain.Is this person really upset about how I
oriented my table, my orientation, or about tables in general?Considering what it would mean to love again (since the way things have gone leading up to this moment are with the wind) I ask myself,How have I loved?How have I lost (definition)?How have I lead (as a leader) to this
moment?Lovingly or steely?Look!Not every scenario or situation in this life calls for love when our
very survival’s at stake!There’s a time
and there’s a place to slap the shit out of Rocks, and it’s definitely at the
Oscar’s where he’s as vulnerable as my half-deaf friend who acts because it has served him in the
past to get out of difficult situations with those who are gullible, ignorant,
or naïve enough to buy it.Those I feel
sorry for, are they even grateful for my pity?!That’s a thing, nobody in this world enjoys your continual
condescension.The echo from the noise
of you going down those stairs reverberates like a stomping megaphone.All the way down to slap the shit out of the
very Devil who wasn’t expecting that sort of attention!What did (s)He do (lately)?!It’s like you can never forgive some people
who require the sort of judgment no mere mortal man may mete. What is the discipline and the punishment or the total
reformation that must be undergone to rehabilitate society itself?Build Back Better, baby Brandon! (And include
funds for the Better Business Bureau while you’re at it, because some of these
corporations are operating at disconcerting levels of efficiency.)But there’s more to be said about the hungry
little Caterpillar® than mere autophobia (literally ‘fear of self,’ but means, fear
of abandonment (of self (which happens so prevalently amongst those supposedly
most fearful of it, it's a wonder they don’t do anything to alter their aberrant
behaviors)).How is one to simply walk
away from ‘the good life?’ How is one to
walk away from an autocratic leadership role?I got really good at snapping my fingers and getting a Coach bag, a haircut,
and coochie!Now what am I supposed to
do, dance again?Probably the best way
to make the most money after a stunt like that!But now I’m going back into a course of bad thinking that monetizes
everything and gives nothing away.Am I
a miserly sort?Who, when willing, doubts
one’s ability to succeed in obtaining an object of desire?What, more suffering?Screw you again, Buddha, twice!
Just so you know, the whole thing is fucked up from the
outset, so how is this a good use of your time?Rejection of genera is normal
in healthily working biological systems when competitors encroach (although
encroachment itself might be a natural result of its healthy functioning).I love your rejection of me, dude with longer
hair and worse eyesight at the bar on St. Patrick’s Day, Bergamasco
dawg.The fact that you don’t want to be around me
is comforting.Although the fact that
you’re still talking about me is disconcerting, despite claiming to lack
interest.Why doesn’t the day of the
week matter to you?Are you nihilistic,
out of work, or both?Are those my only
options, Monday, Tuesday, holiday, etc.?I was lead to believe these were just points of reference that we share
in common, or perhaps you don’t believe in the use of language itself?I always forget I might just smell bad to
those with acuter olfactory senses.I’ve
often been told that deficiency in one sense strengthens another.Although I don’t know how smelling things
better is advantageous.Berg-boy
replaced Brian who ran out of GHB a decade ago as one sitting on my sinister side.Brian, he’d take a 20-drink equivalent punch
in a bottle cap at Club Marcella’s, have his guts pumped at the hospital, and
make it back before closing time a hero!But now he’s got the 8-year itch from too many benzos and the
nervousness of one unable to reflect upon sound advice or sit in soundness in
general.You just can’t get through to a
guy who is hearing startling noises almost constantly!How is one word supposed to make more sense
than any other?Well, you get down to a
point of contention with nearly anyone and they’re bound to react poorly.Often when you’re not trying to be
contentious!I just am!
3/8
“Living with abandon” means to cut loose, to see what
happens next, to refuse to plan.Often
seen with ‘living life to its fullest potential,’ it is rarely seen anymore what with panic attacks
caused by putting my cellphone in a different pocket than usual and for a
moment believing I’d lost it
entirely!How is one to live life to its
fullest potential without the ability to detach from a perceived lifeline that
didn’t exist a generation prior?Why is
it so difficult to relate?Relatability?It’s probably because no one knows what’s
going on anymore!In niche information
warfare, the only way to retaliate is by going silent.One may banish, but one cannot kill what is
already dead; a ghost.Bound to an
exterior dimension, how can one contact a deceased individual but through
necromancy?Do ghosts exist?To a Christian, or to Saul, the Holy Ghost
may manifest if conditions are ripe, but who among us has circumcised ears to
hear truth?One with self-professed
‘abandonment issues’ such as the fear thereof expresses how it feels to be left
alone while staving off. Some are so insatiable they stave off quite
constantly.Meanwhile, those without issuing
such a self-profession do their own thing without bones.Like the Blob? Spooky!This one guy, Bob, (in defense of his Blue
Lives Matter flag) loves police, but hates how law is enforced.Should one be allowed to take a knee while
the anthem is being played and still be considered patriotic? Having been banished, sent into exile, or in
her own eyes, abandoned, this one girl, Napo-LeAnne, why does she
threaten to be my snitch?(She wants to
snatch my purse!)
He who
knows how to live can walk abroad Without fear of rhinoceros
or tiger. He will not be wounded in
battle. For in him rhinoceroses
can find no place to thrust their horn, Tigers can find no place
to use their claws, And weapons no place to
pierce. Why is this so?Because he has no place for death to enter.
From: Tao
Te Ching, Lao Tzu, Ch. 50. Gia-fu Feng & Jane English translation.
Imprison those who wish to imprison others!Let the star manifest courage!Let the pop diva sing her guts out!Let there be only one fear and that is fear
of the Lord viz. fear itself.Let me
live righteously and let my ghost speak to others good words.If only I could heal myself I might become
corporeal!City of good neighbors: city
of good hosts: good fences establish and represent healthy boundaries.Much disease is sex-related.Is there any such thing as infinite
compatibility?Jesus gets along with
anyone who’s anyone who supported his followers along the way to some afterlife
with mansions!
3/9
“Imagination…the ambiguous locus in which the shattered but
insistent continuity of nature was united with the empty but attentive
continuity of consciousness.” Foucault, M. The Order of Things. P.160
3/11
Fat garage-dwelling cardinal attacked by skinny, fit
cardinal!Birds of a feather are
tweeting ‘kill! kill!’ Partaking too much
of mana from god?Where does my ego end
and the word of God begin?Walking to
the old Hess®
station for rolling papers, basically rolling out of bed, feeling
self-conscious, ‘should I get a haircut?’ ‘no, I didn’t brush my teeth.’
‘should I turn around?’ ‘no, that would be cowardly.’ Does anyone really care
beside me?Doesn’t this thought-process
come down to beauty and judgment of sexual selection?Respectability is also a tweaked
socio-psychological standard that is malleable/not absolute.There are various busy communities
interacting within society at large,
so to base makeup on numbers is to over-generalize: It is to base an assessment
of an entire system as if upon its
most dominant feature.Is this a
distinction, a distraction, a detraction, or all three?Because there are various busy
(multicultural) communities interacting within society (US Americans) the
tendency to define the totality of this exchange-process by finite terms tends
to be taxing, and misleading, or if it is
somehow accurate, no less mind-boggling.Even terms numerically-based at best provide a series of metaphorical
snap-shots that fluctuate as a rolling tide provides an Alabama head-coach a
tidy base-salary.Is he so single-minded
as to be predictable?Truth is, those
who conform themselves to predictable models, while comfortable in their
form-fit (ergonomic) efficiency, fail once they are figured out by opposing
forces.A cast both heals and
slows.The cast of “Rent,” Emily?What are they saying?As a foot in a cast resets and fixes a bone
that is broken, so too does it inhibit, weaken, or even deaden if
over-utilized.A swollen metric, a
system of growth out-of-proportion with an intended totality/wholeness needs be
excised or otherwise removed before its dominant feature compromises it or
makes the whole thing sickly.This
condition or process should become readily apparent as it worsens.This tendency toward terminology represents
the big, fat ego-death we’ve all been fearing!(Or perhaps a pilgrimage to Mt. Kailash if you’re a more enlightened
being like Sadhguru
(JRE 3/14/22)). Once one defines what is wrong and needs to be fixed, one is
confronted with the task of having something better to do than fritter,
(although fritters tend to be delicious).What are our top physicians obscuring from the public domain?What are doctors hiding from their patients
or have circumstances somehow gone beyond epidemiological control?The soil of the Earth is akin to the skin’s
epidermis, (burning like Brian’s, (suffering some of the sins of mankind.))Sadhguru is out there with heavy Ghandi
dharma, carrying on a righteous fight for sovereign minerals.
Ah me, here is nostalgia for that fragmentary part of
myself; broken away from, never to be replayed.Multimediae provide the illusion of replicability in everyday life, but
even our illusions get worn-out like tatters.What is the nature of one’s servitude?What is the nature of one’s chains of bondage that are so exhausting
that one, striving to break free, fails to often?Tony Robbins’ charisma, Batman!Just look at his teeth, what a philanthropic gift-horse! Lilies of the field in all their empty bravado
become florid. Back to Bergamasco’s
beliefs - something that doesn’t make sense (to me) as an interiorly held
belief such as an anti-work credo (where the tilt of the earth nor the angle of
the Sun have no bearing upon months, despite the obviousness that it plays
certain roles in energetic protocols) to represent a detachment from one’s
natural self.Why does savior faire rub anti-social people the
wrong way?It is unfortunate to become
troglodytic – wherein life reverts to a primordial state of being wherein the
natural stressors of life detract from consciousness-potential, especially if
that form of cave-dwelling is detached from earthen substance.(Source of battiness?) I have also considered
the fact that perhaps people perceive mistakenly that I have an alcohol
addiction, when it’s just a vehicle for my own suffering and overcoming
suffering for others. It’s so hard for
Brian to sit still for more than two seconds!(He loves seeing me take down car-bombs like a champ).“He’s got that fighting liver!” knowing
nothing about milk thistle, liver betraying him with painful, burning itchiness
when he’s off the bend.Perhaps he’d
like to see me share in suffering a similar fate.
The problem with journalism is that it’s of the day and not of the moment.I’d need to separate myself from my belief in
le jour to attain a more granular
form of consciousness.Less
leisure?‘Please!Treats!’‘no more until you’re room is clean’ ‘but what does clean even mean?’ My
organizational structure needs work to function optimally.Feng Shui protocols vs. protracted
procrastination, there is indecision about which problem to tackle first, and
hypothetically next.If I suppose my intellect
to be sharp enough to solve epistemological relationships, then perhaps this
functioning could be applied to make differences elsewhere as well.Well, I need to smoke now to be fully-functional again by noon, (in order to summon hum…what now?)The strength of will to go against the day!
“There are no problems, people are going to be angry at you
for no reason or any reason at all whether you like it or not!In all seriousness, my seriousness is just an
act that angry audiences depreciate, my tragedy for the sake of Sult.Horrific (Kafkaesque) hunger that I just
smile and laugh about because I’m lucky in that American ideal way, that is
skinny, troubled skinny with drug problems (cravings) and other insatiable
recurrent thoughts that apparently demand answers,” Mike Belmont scribbled in a journal
on a Jinja safari
next to seasick Steve (who hated to be landlocked.)“There are no easy answers other than to be
close to the land that you’re originally from and love it as one who loves
anything in this world ( - with devotion).”
Explosion at DeBeer’s Diamond Factory: Jewels Reign the
Sky! Newsflash from the news-desk of
anchorman Sangri San. A gray pallor upon
the overnight janitor who was caught up in all the glitz and glamor in crates
set to detonate.
How am I supposed to journey into meditation amidst all the
jarring adrenaline?
Norm’s kick, Adam Eget, thinks the Holocaust was an
elaborate hologram!
It's still important to be/remain cautious/vigilant when
things are good, because there are those that might target you out of
envy/jealousy to take your guards down by exploiting your castle’s good graces.
Rule:You can sit and
do nothing, or you can write, for a set amount of time, in one place, (alone in
my room for hours talking about Jesus).Controlled environment, set standard, fluctuations of light.
3/4
Feeling clearer than when I did upon awakening before 8 a.m.
today.TNT (tobacco and two teas,
combined), give me a prize, Nobel (No Alarms, No Surprises), for
getting up early and blasting off!
Who do I think I am, someone who can become a writer?Neil Gaiman apparently chains himself his
desk for 8 hours a day where he can either do nothing, or write.This method works, but how many hours am I
capable of committing?Where are my
priorities? Mail?Facilitating simple joys for a simple sample
of people who live in a general proximity for a majority of the time of their
lives, communing mostly with family members and members of their tribe, often
stationary/stationery.But those tribal
bastions in far-flung towns require their parsimonious bounty, (the wealth
accrued from being frugal, miserly, or stingy).They require favors, taxes, or tributes!Some sort of glowing recognition for material satiety!Does a flaw always have to be a judgment, or
can it simply be an indication?Judgment
comes with corrective measure.Are some
flaws unassailable?Endemic, built into
the system, but whose personality isn’t a bit quirky?Is it worth tearing an entire body of work to
the ground, metaphorically, in order to reorient?Songs end and people sleep.Sometimes there are lulls in the
process.Problem is, people get bored,
and in their boredom, often invent problems to flaws that are just part of being
human, and instead of working with what is known (about this process), they draw
upon the irreconcilable inconvenience of breathing, eating, or growing old,
huffing and puffing, munching glizzeez
(hot dogs), and becoming crotchety.Becoming a complete tear-down remodel (a creature in action, becoming
something!)
The thing is I’m still thinking about her; I had a dream the
other night with my ‘why’ and my best friend at a Niagara Falls-type
destination with concrete and mass amounts of rushing water that we were
precariously close to.Like the Devil’s Hole, but more intense (the
Devil’s Anus?) it was an open hydroelectric plant, like a windfarm for water. I remember churning generators.We were unafraid,
dipping our bodies in parts to experience the rushing without getting carried
away.I think this is a metaphor for the
tenseness I felt being with this person, where there was a constant fear of
some punishing force imminent at any false step, but knowing that the fear was
also energizing and fostered a heightened awareness that helped me not get
swept away unto death.A more potent
baptism?This reminds me of a couple
quotes I pulled from Dune:
“’Anything outside yourself, this you can see and apply your
logic to it,’ she said. ‘But it’s a human trait that when we encounter personal
problems, those things most deeply personal are the most difficult to bring out
for our logic to scan.We tend to
flounder about, blaming everything but the actual, deep-seated thing that’s
really chewing on us.’” P.195
“There should be a science of discontent.People need hard times and oppression to
develop psychic muscles.” P.206
On 7/11/21 I wrote while I was away in Buffalo:
Now I know my ‘why’ suffers from borderline personality
disorder (BPD).This revelation provides
empathy & forgiveness, yet as much as I’d like to reach out and comfort
her, I know that any such action is likely to provide false hope which will not
benefit either of us.Her belief in her
own paranoid thinking creates a villain of me.What she cannot see she distrusts, as a product of her poor conditioning
(my judgment).My absence is her bugaboo
and abandonment a particularity (so she says, but in the end, she showed more
interest in moving into my house than my person leaving indefinitely).There can be no true love where distrust
exists, for trust is rooted in truth.As
shifting sands provide no true bedrock, the mind that plays tricks on itself-and-others cannot reason.It is too
dangerous (especially in my line of work, but probably in general) to be
closely associated with someone so emotionally mercurial.My work is primary – it gives me identity,
purpose, and security – all if which is being undermined in pursuit of
partnership / disorganized courtship.Especially
when it comes to consorting with the types of female I seem to attract.Aren’t we all especially something?
3/5/22
What I should fear the most is that my will become separable from God’s.When I overdrink, I become fearless even to the extent that I lose my
fear of the Lord and become corrupt.Jesus, one pair of silent footsteps on a beach in the sand along a sea,
carrying me, spins me around into a pile-driver suplex.Now I’m a fucking
ostrich!It happens that fast!There is the possibility that our existence
is but a dream that we dream in the dream of another.“Mother?Is that you?”
“Yes, Oedipus.”
“Call me Rex.”
Yuck.Could you
imagine laying an ostrich-sized egg like that?Nourishing, sure, but the butt-stretch!
“I have to explain something to you.Eggs don’t come from butts.See cloaca
in your AP Biology textbook, Rex,” the queen leaned in with a wink,
homeschooling.
Are you’re out of your mind?This is my life story!Look at me, taking personal ownership for my
own reputation!
‘Why’ does she texts me at 0416? Yes:
“Legit the fact that your trying to fuck my over when you
are the pierce of Shit… bro.. you’re 37 grow up.Get a job. Realize if you push me to this
point.. look and look far
I won’t be far behind Cunt
And her new ‘Source’ at 0431:
You dumb mother fucker
You just tried to block me from my own life!? I’ve done nothing
to you to deserve this.Best believe
you’ll see me very soon face to face.
I know where you live as I am trying to live my life without
you ruining mine.Either back the fuck
off or come with heat.I have a great
lawyer.I also have not anything.You sir have a life long sentence of breaks
You are literally right around the corner in Buffalo
Oh wait! You didn’t know
Back off or I show up with cops at your parents
This isn’t a threat since you online harassed and took my
accounts
--
And now I can feel myself cycling/spiraling through a
comfort-routine, giving empathy and time to what will amount to a coke-addled
wreck tomorrow afternoon with more wrath in store.This increased self-inflicted suffering is
someone else’s fault!? Certainly not. As long as I keep my lines of communication
open, this will filter back through to me in some form or another that will
result in an experience that will mirror my own reverberations in my
heart.To be anxious.To be agitated.I feel her feelings! And I like it because it
gives me energy, but I don’t like it because it shocks me out of my
complacency.This is something I’ve been
praying for, perhaps simmering at the cusp of consciousness, that is, another
chapter perhaps interesting to a reader of psychological case-studies, a D.S.M.
almanac/all-maniacal.What is
objectively true and what isn’t?Can I
get a character witness?
A)I’m 36.
B)Calling me Cunt is inflammatory.
1)I’m not dumb, nor am I Oedipus Rex.
2)I don’t even know her Source (7763).
3)This is definitely a threat.
How is one to react when an irrational smear-campaign has
begun?From Quora®, House, J. 2021:
“The fact that the narcissist feels you parted ways with
your head held high, will cause them to feel very low.And they need to reverse this.
“The smear campaign is a way for the narcissist to try and
take you down, indirectly.Level the
playing field, as they would see it.
“And they are more likely to run a smear campaign, when they
had a last minute effort to take you down before they left, but it was
unsuccessful.
“Now, they need to set the record straight.
“If you left the narcissist in similar circumstances…
beware… because something is cooking.”
So I best beware, because she hasn’t paid the rent in
Oklahoma City this month.Both numbers
are from the 828 (Asheville area code).There’s a storm brewing!There’s
a cocaine cooking crack whore!There’s
only one worse job: crack whore understudy.Thanks, Norm!To be honest, all I
want to do is fall into my own comfortable psychosis by smoking and drinking
the day away, but I sense a sobering danger on the metaphorical horizon.What I fear/feel is uncertainty, anxiety, as
well as the inability to think clearly or rationally about my own
solution.The harsh reality is that
based on the way she had treated me, I would have seen her homeless or dead in
a gutter and understood the harsh reality of the situation, that life or death
had caught up to her, egging it on, until she saw me suffering the same or
similar fate at her behest.I don’t
consider myself as masochistic nor as simple as that. Why would I want to take
on that level of suffering for someone with unclean spirits I’m yet unable to
scrub as if with some spiritual sponge?Like Simon, can’t I pay Peter for the Holy Ghost to manifest in me?All I can do is repent.And not engage.Offer it up for God to decide (or some
ethereal broker) the fate of the world that I am just a Saganesque speck of
(yet, being at the center of my own universe, these problems seem so real to
me!)
What is a healthy level of detachment?As a hand to a wrist waving ‘bye-bye!’
What I should fear is a corrupt martyrdom.What am I dying for, right now?Putting words on paper in an effort to
cleanse my soul of corruption, or at least see what is inside come out as in a
purgation.Are words purgative?In his last moments, we believe that a man
who lives well leaves the world in peace.We know that that opposite is often true too.Like many Christian martyrs laid to rest,
their immense suffering provided their lives with a fullness of purpose if laid
to rest oriented in accordance with divinity.Suffering in enlightened fashion for the ignorance and poverty of
others, the saints.
I should like to affirm my benediction.Something that
like thinking ‘thinking’ during
meditation, one is able to reorient thought toward unity.Focus on the breath.Be present.Be here now.Sleep now in the
fire.
2/17
A person who doesn’t believe in a strongly centralized
federal government, but a localized, farm-based economy wonders, “What does
environmentalism have to do with my own heart-held beliefs?What is the nature of my environment?” P.
Kalmus calmly wishes calumny against the robber-baron elite and the Meta®
e-presentation (meta-representation) of immersion (basically The Matrix).Take a knee, activist!(Stay on topic!)He’s having his metaphorical cage rattled by
one administering a punishing panoptic prison, an ephemero-spiritual Nosferatu.He’s trying the immersive experience of
drowning in debt, in a basement like a holding cell, burdensome steel bars
replaced by a dog-collar attuned to 4-5G modulation of shock and dialed-in
sensitivity settings.His brain-waves
are a real train-wreck.Here’s a real
taboo:Giving all one’s money to the
Church (withholding nothing) and joining a disciplined phalanstery.Papal Machiavellianism (dark triad based
governing (unlike the Acts of Peter, Paul, and Mary)) gives an imperfect view
of history’s functioning from a cynically modernist perspective.A view from the top, at a superior vantage,
rulers look down upon the disadvantaged.It’s the fact that time is money, and that the swift justice promised to
us in the Constitution is cost-prohibitive, means that it is not itself, it is,
in fact, justice that is not swift.It
is justice that is slow, thus cognitively impaired, thus compromised.Houston, we have a problem!The elitists have turned on the hoi polloi
and it’s the Earth itself that is suffering!
Did electricity itself hack the human brain?Don’t we all have a spark?Whose liver isn’t being
eaten?How illogical is my carbon-based
lifeform running on kilocalories and I can’t even find my lighter?Matches!Unlike lighters, matches don’t… wait.I was going to say something smart about the fossil fuel industry and
Bic®
plastics, but when I think about my PaperMate® InkJoy™ pen I cry.Am I to harvest feathers and quill my own
stain upon these sheets?If I could make
one difference (a subtraction) by 2050, I’d edit what?Amend what?Where’s the money in content
deletion?It makes no sense!But by God, are I not illogical? And if I
truly wanted to save the planet, would I not give all my money to the
Church?I see a believer!On TV all the women
of the congregation bashfully smile, all secretly pregnant from that one night
the comet came and cured all their emptiness’ from some celestial streaking solar-flare.Fire and brimstone sriracha cock!
“…Close to 8 billion people sitting on that meditation
cushion, doing wonders for our species, an hour at night, an hour in the
morning,” an hour of tantric afternoon-delight, an hour of scrubbing filthy
cushions, an hour of growing food, an hour of preparing food, an hour for
eating food, and finally, time to work on my pet oilrig and industrial pipeline
project!Oh yeah, and about a half an
hour to poop.Be simple.Live the good life like Peter, K?“And you can start feeling compassion for
everyone else, & you can start feeling compassion for the ignorance out
there!Um, and I say that, you know, I
laugh, (as if) oui-we all have and we
all react with ignorance, right?We
make things worse for ourselves and for other people when we react (with ignorance).”(Quotes from the DTFH (Patreon) 2/17/22)
Like a double-thinking idiot or a second-guessing fool I
arrive where I just was before a second ago, looking back in anger, the
inflammatory process of nostalgia, no, let the anger flow through me.If it’s out there I don’t contain it.My being is light and not heavy (a lie).And you know what makes me mad?Myself! Thinking my reaction to listening to
a podcast is influencing my writing!A
written reaction makes things worse for everyone!Here I am! Me! Some bearded man in a white
robe high on a cloud of smoke!It’s not even that far from the truth!If everyone around me reacts worse, that
makes me better, right?Or perhaps my
style or smell is offensive.But they should
accept me for who I am!Have I not
suffered enough (dogmatically)?Oh boy,
here comes a real birther to prove me out of touch with real pain and real
suffering and what that really means having seen through to the other side -
hands Adam an apple that gets lodged in his throat, so he dies, knowing that he
would, for disobeying a direct order
(do not consume from that tree!).
I know one thing that’ll keep us together!Clothing!Good one.Get out.If you want to add layers of complexity to
your existence, so be it, but it’s up to you to spin the plates (if you catch
my drift (from the plate-related turbulence)) that are now a part of an outfit come to crash.
2.They
don’t feel the need to help their partner with house chores because it’s below
them,
3.They
will do anything to impress their friends, but not their partner- just in the
beginning,
4.They
lie all the time,
5.They
like pets, but don’t want to take care of them,
6.They
like children, but they can’t be with them for a longer period of time cause
they get annoyed by the children’s cries,
7.They
spend their money like it’s their last day on earth,
8.They
will manipulate you and do whatever it takes to get what they want,
9.They
don’t feel the need to take care of their aging parents,
10.They
won’t give you a xmas or birthday gift,
11.They
delete their browser history and hide their texts and calls,
12.They
have lots of energy for the things they like, but for anything else, they are
always tired,
13.They
are not concerned about their hygiene nor the cleanness of their home, but it’s
important for them to have clean nice clothes (branded) for showing off,
14.They
secretly like SM, porn and sex toys,
15.They
don’t like many things in this world and they feel often empty inside,
16.When
they’re bored, they argue with you,
17.They
are never wrong,
18.Everybody
is special and unique to them, but not their significant other (Although that’s
not how they truly feel. Nobody’s special or unique for them. They just act
that way to devalue their partner),
19.They
don’t like crowds, celebrations nor family gatherings, especially the ones that
would make you very happy,
20.You
will never see a narc “truly” jump for joy or be happy for someone else’s
achievents,
21.They
rarely read books, only Internet articles,
22.They
watch tv/shows, on computer or phone way too much,
23.They
are most likely addicts of some kind (drugs, alcohol, gambling, gaming, sex),
24.They
remember only what they like, what they don’t like they discard like it never
happened or twist it to their liking,
25.They
enjoy controling people and objects around them, the remote control, phone,
computer, etc., when the tv will be on/off, when you can/cannot turn on the
light in the room,when the music will play in the house etc.,
26.After
years in a relationship, their partner will feel like he/she is going insane,
or give up on everything.
27.They
secretly know what/ who they are and like to abuse others in so many ways it’s
crazy,
28.They
will argue with you over one dirty plate,
29.If
they could sell you and get good money for you, they would do that in a split
second,
30.Going
no contact is the best way to get rid of the narc,
31.Gaslighting
is always a trait,
32.Deflecting
is also a trait, always,
33.It’s
always about them, even if you think is not,
34.They
only do things if they see a benefit in it for them,
35.They
will leteraly fall asleep like a baby when you are sad or crying besides him
(after a fierce fight that will upset you),
36.Often,
the other day they will act like nothing happened the previous day (when you
had a fight) and say that you are too sensitive,
37.When
you are in pain or hurt, they won’t be by your side and be supporting.
Sometimes they will ridicule your pain and laugh at you. Most narcs also feel
joy when you’re sad or hurt cause it’s easier to control you that way,
38.They
are always plotting something behind your back,
39.In one
moment they will praise you and shower with affection, and in an other they
call you stupid, a waste, insane, a bit*h etc.,
40.They
will make up achievements to make other people believe they’re something
they’re not,
41.They
will make up their sad life story or an illness so they could manipulate you
easier or gain simpathy from others, all so they could get what they want,
42.The
silent treatments for hours, days and weeks (with or without reason),
43.They
will make you feel nervous and unwell in their presence, always walking on
eggshells so you don’t trigger them,
44.The
constant rages, yelling, arguing in the house and in public,
45.They
hate to kiss and hold hands with their partner after some time. The same is
with sex. After a few years your sex life is non-existing,
46.They
will devalue you as a person and won’t respect your boundries, not to mention
neglecting all your wishes, needs, desires, plans and agreements with them,
47.They
will avoid talking about the problems in your relationship and your feelings.
They act like nothing’s wrong and they’re perfect. And you’re the core problem
of everything,
48.If you
break up, it will always be your fault,
49.They
have dark secrets,
50.They
lead a double life you know nothing about,
51.They
are so mentally disturbed, they will try to drive you insane till the point of
committing suicide,
52.Never
think “they would not do that to me”. Cause they will.
Thank you guys for the edits,
suggestions and of course all the upvotes and comments.
