3/30
Smoking as a ‘good
habit’ (without Godot to tell me otherwise).
Tired of waiting? I was staying
in bed, dream-looping a trip to the toilet while remaining put until enuresis. This is me avoiding the spontaneity that is anything spontaneous happening
to me! The victim of a potential trauma
that may require a nurse’s assistance!
To l’hopital! Where a salty nurse, begrudging her job
doesn’t really care whether patient 'A' lives or dies. (She begins to care when patient Omega
threatens her livelihood, key to her very life.)
“Anybody can stay
up to 3, try 4, with a (key) bump, but try waking
up at 4 (and staying awake) to see a real G suffering,” a day nurse
recognizing a drug epidemic has her working overtime administers a Demerol to
supplement a Fentanyl patch for a hit-and-run victim of unpaid debt to a
black-market drug-dealing collective.
“Books done?” at a
warehouse so stereotypical of villains.
“BBQ’d,” Another
burn victim presents.
“More morphine,
STAT!” as a smoky mess agonizes on a gurney.
“What did he do to
get burned this way? I can smell the
gasoline. This was no crash.”
Synecdoche of a
catachrestic metonym: What it’s like to live at the wrong place at presumably
the wrong time. You just feel like Jonah being thrown overboard
to pacify the sea. Since he seemed so at peace with the roiling seas, fast
asleep, he presented not a hand on deck despite the captain’s calling, (one might
interpret, given the Biblical context).
Every able-bodied man who didn’t want to be swallowed up by a big fish
should have reported. Nary a ceremony of
the plank for the condemned! The captain
was convinced based on pure logic – do unto others – that he would always be a
deckhand, and that if he ever missed a day of duty, he’d be willing to suffer the fate of Davy Jones. Especially when one
considers it is possible by some
miracle to arrive on the shores of Nineveh a more enlightened being! Just ask Yann Martel! If Zarathustra
can experience enlightenment from talking to monsters and rocks, how much more so
is one enlightened by navigating the sea?
How much Will is required to smack Chris?!
“Christ
almighty! I couldn’t believe!" and back into his own thoughts, "The thing is I get bummed out when I
disappoint myself and instead of not disappointing myself I perform rituals
that allow me to feel less bummed out, but the things that I do to feel less
bummed out bum me out sometimes more than I felt before,” speaks an addict
archetype.
“It’s only natural
to desire to feel more or not-go-numb
in other parlance,” says my maternal therapist, “although the occasional
psychotic episodes may be found to be problematic in uncertain company. Which is really why one should surround
oneself with those deemed trustworthy,” which makes common sense enough it
seems. “That one Pink Floyd song, ‘Comfortably Numb’ comes
to mind. The dark, existential quandary of
trying to escape oneself, or at least avoid what it is about oneself that is
painful to experience or re-experience.
But are any two April showers identical?”
Baby Cantillon’s
fontanelle! Is there any other way to
see Hell? Here goes Virgil, I suppose:
I can’t I can’t I can’t (go to)
Canton, OH(IO). Canto?
I shake my head ‘no’. I hear myself
sing. No secrets? No
secretions?
Does nothing become sanguine?
Do I feel no shame? When I act
in accordance with nature or
my will,
what seems like a mistake
becomes a
learning experience which will
in turn
become a consequence of who I
am.
What is it like to be me? Few
know,
fewer care, but I’d rather be
unknown in a world not meant for me, not particularly
motivated nor enlightened enough to be.
Whatever
one might say of privilege, if I didn’t have any,
I suppose it’d be an honor to know, or at least
be introduced. What is unidentifiable is
always
the greatest threat because it really makes one
feel out-of-control (which I guess is desirable).
In today’s day ‘n’
age, Will attempts to divide a diamond on live TV with his bare hands! A retiring mineralogist speaks to jade:
I’m outside
myself. I’m not interested in you
anymore. I have to build myself up just
to be around you, and you’re no longer worth it to me. It’s hard for me to do what I do - act this
way – and I no longer find it enjoyable to be around you, to be in your
presence. Although I consider myself a
righteous man and understanding certain commitments and vows were made to one
another both in public and in secrecy, they are null in my soul and void in my
heart and that is a feeling that is both total satiation and emptiness at the
same damn time! If I had more words for
you or things to say, I would, but I’m out.
So he leaves his
old home (that is an embarrassment of wealth-equality in that neighborhood), punching bag slung over his
back, a work in progress.
How is my inner
hummingbird not self-referential? Source
of sugar-water I suppose, psychic hologram feet give birth to Rowan Atkinson's face. If one’s failure is inevitable, fail, and get
over it. Sisyphus scoffs (but keeps
pushin’!). So far my consciousness
practice has net me three hours today that in days prior I would have
slept. As I enjoyed long nights, so too
shall I enjoy my longer days? Life is
but a dream! Excessive rest and
audiences lose interest. What are you,
retired? Of the world, but not at the
same time, stories of ascetic monks creep in from Asia, where feats of
endurance continue. What we see as a war
may be considered a scuffle to the history of the land itself, reclaiming a
deforested urban center (capital or not) that has not enough root (chakra) to
sustain itself on the surface of the suddenly engulfing terrain. Is this person really upset about how I
oriented my table, my orientation, or about tables in general? Considering what it would mean to love again (since the way things have gone leading up to this moment are with the wind) I ask myself, How have I loved? How have I lost (definition)? How have I lead (as a leader) to this
moment? Lovingly or steely? Look!
Not every scenario or situation in this life calls for love when our
very survival’s at stake! There’s a time
and there’s a place to slap the shit out of Rocks, and it’s definitely at the
Oscar’s where he’s as vulnerable as my half-deaf friend who acts because it has served him in the
past to get out of difficult situations with those who are gullible, ignorant,
or naïve enough to buy it. Those I feel
sorry for, are they even grateful for my pity?!
That’s a thing, nobody in this world enjoys your continual
condescension. The echo from the noise
of you going down those stairs reverberates like a stomping megaphone. All the way down to slap the shit out of the
very Devil who wasn’t expecting that sort of attention! What did (s)He do (lately)?! It’s like you can never forgive some people
who require the sort of judgment no mere mortal man may mete. What is the discipline and the punishment or the total
reformation that must be undergone to rehabilitate society itself? Build Back Better, baby Brandon! (And include
funds for the Better Business Bureau while you’re at it, because some of these
corporations are operating at disconcerting levels of efficiency.) But there’s more to be said about the hungry
little Caterpillar® than mere autophobia (literally ‘fear of self,’ but means, fear
of abandonment (of self (which happens so prevalently amongst those supposedly
most fearful of it, it's a wonder they don’t do anything to alter their aberrant
behaviors)). How is one to simply walk
away from ‘the good life?’ How is one to
walk away from an autocratic leadership role?
I got really good at snapping my fingers and getting a Coach bag, a haircut,
and coochie! Now what am I supposed to
do, dance again? Probably the best way
to make the most money after a stunt like that!
But now I’m going back into a course of bad thinking that monetizes
everything and gives nothing away. Am I
a miserly sort? Who, when willing, doubts
one’s ability to succeed in obtaining an object of desire? What, more suffering? Screw you again, Buddha, twice!
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