When a drunk creep walks into a bar...

It’s late…well…that’s relative, it’s about 8:30 on a Monday, at a local beer dispensary, and some people are acting like it’s late. The owner of a local hydroponic store is on a minor rampage.  He’s just come from dinner with his wife, she’s gone home (to go to bed for work in the morning), but he’s staying to hang out with his dog El.  He’s drunk, has produced the largest herb grinder I’ve seen and is pushing it for free to any takers…I smoked a part of a jay with J and Bop about 15 minutes before this recording.  My friend Fan is in charge…well…that’s relative, he’s high, drunk, and tripping too, another day’s work?  It’s a super liberal atmosphere and the job has very little responsibility, so naturally the people therein descend into a state of semi-lawlessness.  Everything’s fine until this rampaging man of Ur, ruler of Puppy-Monkey-Babylon goes a little too far off the commercial deep-end.  Three people, San Se, RRB, and Speechless Santa had just left, (so it’s easier to catch the recording at this point).  5 remain, Ur, J, Bop, Fan, and me. And 2 dogs, Ur’s El, and Fan’s L.  Let’s see how this goes!

                Half hour until close,

Ur: This is random, I was in the bar next door and I brought my dog in.

The dog (El) is literally on the bar at this point.

Ur: You want some herb?

San Se is just out the door.

Ur: You gonna finish puffin’?

Fan: Those couple beers just went on tonight? (Aside with Bop, finishing register till.)

Ur: (To the dogs) Play with you friend, play with your friend, go play with your friend. What’s her name?

Fan: Lucille

Ur: El, you go play with fuckin’ BB King’s guitar alright?

Fan: Okay so why is this shorter? (to Bop) But it’s the same, it’s the same total, right?  (Yeah Yeah Yeah)

Ur’s looking for a lighter.

Me: I smoked, I think it was RRB’s lighter, did you give it back to RRB? (Yeah)

Ur: (Knocking weed onto bar where dog has been) You guys got anything? Got any matches? Here you guys want this? Wanna puff somethin’?

Bop: Yeah, *titter* right? *titter* (kind of how she laughs, distinct)

Ur:  I like it!  You’re like – imitates Bop’s laughter – what the fuck is that? Some tropical bird? It’s amazing! HEHEHEHE. You’re my new favorite fuckin’ person in the world.

Dog barks

Ur: Hey! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU BARKING AT? Who was it? Was it her or him? (of the dogs) Hey! You little fuckin’ –what are those things called?-  put that fuckin’ paw down, I don’t like that gesture. Yeah, there we go, how do we like that? Right bitch? You fuckin’ hyena.

Poor L…

Ur: Help me out, I’m fucked up. (Trying to get Bop to roll a joint from the weed on the bar) Take that, roll yourself a joint. Take it all, I don’t give a fuck.

Change drops

Ur: Throw some change at my dick though bro.

Me: Plinko!

Ur: Here, you want something? (Still pushing) You sound like a fuckin’ bird of paradise… Is this you man? (about me and Bop)

Me: Oh yeah. We’ve known each other for a while now (lying, known one hour). No, birds of paradise, they’re beautiful, you’ve ever seen the…

Ur: They just dance, like – stomps feet – sounds like something weird like…

Me: That’s a pretty good dance! That’s a good imitation!

Ur: I think you should put some more fuckin’ weed in there though, you’re rolling like shit.

Bop keeps laughing nervously

Ur: Dude, this girl’s fuckin’ awesome, I just wanna hang out with her in like a fuckin’ hotel, hot tub, have a bunch of people over, fuck with some ketamine…Yes! Why don’t we all go out and puff this fuckin’ herb yo?

J: We were doing that, but nobody came out so…

Ur: Alright, I’ll puff the shit outta that herb. It tastes so good.

J: See if we can find fire…

Ur: Why you can’t find fire? Wait-wait-wait yo, whoa, I’ll make it happen! We have A/C voltage, I will get fire. What’s this right here? Whose is this? (searching, talking out loud to himself) Bar and store must have matches…

Door alarm speaks the words ‘front door’

Ur: (imitating) ‘Front door.’  El, come here.

Me: Doesn’t this place have cameras?

Fan: Not at all.

L Barks

Fan: Lucy!

Ur: Hey! What the fuck are you doing? You little, short, fucking inbred, little, short, inbred weirdo.  What are you barking at? WHAT? ‘Front door.’ Dude, what are you like fuckin’ six foot four?

Me: 6’6”

Ur: Woo!  You’re one of the worst fuckin’ white basketball players that’s ever existed.

Me: Yeah, I got cut from my team in high school…I played volleyball and tennis…

Ur: (to Bop) That is the skinniest, shittiest, fuckin’ joint I’ve ever seen in the world.  Let me help you out.  Come out and smoke this fuckin’ weed we’re about to smoke, dog.  (in a whiny voice) I can’t even handle this fuckin’ poison this evil bitch is about to give to me HEHEHEHE (mocking) ‘fuck you evil bitch!’ HEHEHE

Me: Yeah, there are a lot of funny laughs…

Ur: No, I mean, I love her, secretly, it can’t be public.

Me: I mean, I love her

Ur: It’s your old lady right?

Me: I definitely overtly love Bop.

Ur: Yeah, you should overtly love this dude.

Me: Wait, who, J?!

Ur: I will pump the shit out of his ass in basketball, and I suck at basketball.  El!  Stop fucking with that other dog! Look at you…doesn’t mean you’re coordinated, just means you can touch it…I can fuck a pussy too…take a bitch down, they’ll be like, ‘newp-newp’

Me: Well, that’s what you’re supposed to do when a bear attacks you.

Ur: What, pretend you’re dead?  You sound like a fuckin’ bird though HEHEHEHE

Me: Should be a compliment, right?

Ur: It is a compliment. I don’t mean to be a dick.  I don’t mean to be a fuckin’ asshole.  Listen I don’t mean to …this fucking fairy tale Hehehe… (bark) Hey!

J: (aside) Yep yep there it is, yes, Yes, there it is, the total in the parenthesis (checking receipt for Fan) can’t figure out…

Ur: You’re probably, you’re whole life is roughly fucked up from the both of you fuck this, I think you fuckers fuck this when you fuck her in the butt…did I say that out loud?

Bop starts crying.

J: You shouldn’t say that.

Ur: What? Fuck her in the butt?

Bop: That was just…

Ur starts trying to backtrack on this conversation…the conversation just got really dark.

Me: I said never again, you know, it happened to me once and I was like, ‘no more! No more!’ (trying to keep it light, nobody’s listening) exactly! (Speaking to my future self from the past)

Ur: I’m sorry I didn’t mean to be a dick!

Bop: No! It’s not okay.

J: Yeah it was inappropriate.

Bop: Yeah

Ur: I’m sorry.

Bop: That’s horrible!

Ur: I didn’t mean it like that.

Me: I know it’s just my first time meeting you, I don’t really know you from before this…

Ur: I didn’t, whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa I’m sorry, it was completely, a joke…

Bop: (offensive) towards women

Ur: It was, wow, I’m sorry.

Bop: No, you saw that

J: It was inappropriate

Bop: It was super inappropriate

Ur: I’m sorry, it was meant to be a joke and

Bop: It wasn’t, no, it was chauvinistic towards women, blatantly, blatantly

J: It was a blatant attack

Me: I feel like you think you know us really well and we just met you and like, you know, so

Ur: I’m like, I’m leaving, sorry

Bop: Terrible, terrible. It was a derogatory comment towards women.

Ur: What was the comment?

J: It was about anal sex

Bop: Yeah horrible, horrible

Ur: Alright I’m sorry, it was a reference to something that already existed, my bad

Me: It’s fine, it was taken the wrong way

J: It was taken in a way, in a context, that was directed toward her

Ur: It was definitely not, I’m sorry… you can have this (about the weed still on the bar)

Fan: I don’t need that shit…don’t step on the fucking record either (Dead record on the floor)

‘Front Door’ machine-lady says as Ur leaves, humiliated, with his El between his legs.

Fan: Shit…

Bop: He was being so creepy, like all night, and when he said that…

Fan: I personally didn’t like the way he was talking to my dog.

Me: He’s just out of control, he’s out of control.

Bop: Out of control, his wife didn’t like him either!

Fan: What’d he say? What’d he say? (He was in the back when the conversation turned)

Me: Really off-putting

Bop: He made like rapist comments towards me

Me: Yeah, he was getting way out of control…I think he realized he was getting that way when you started crying, and then he’s like, ‘oh shit, I definitely crossed a line’

Bop: He made a rapist and violent comment towards me

Me: He was talking to Lucy that way and he thought he was being funny, but nobody was laughing, and that was the thing about it, I mean, I was kind of laughing at how dumb he was being, but I didn’t think that he was like (going to get rape-y)

Bop: He was creepy

Fan: He thought he was the coolest motherfucker because he had some good pot or whatever he was fuckin’ doing, but fuck him.

Bop: He was getting more and more creepy…

J: It was not right.

Fan: No one needs that shit.

J: It was in a joking sense, but completely, it came out and it was just like we were right there and it was not appropriate

Me: He was out of control, he didn’t even realize what he was doing, he was saying shit out loud that he didn’t mean to say…but he just fucking comes into this establishment and opens up a giant fucking tin of pot and ‘look at all this pot’ like he’s trying to give it away, ‘take this, take this,’ you know, if somebody else walks into this store and you’ve got this fucking laid out here, it just looks really bad, it is not good for the business itself.

Fan: At all!  There’s pot still on here, I wasn’t even out here, for I don’t know, a minute…I didn’t like that guy from the second he walked into the room…ready to close here?

Yeah.