Two Soon To Be Repentant Alcoholics

Transcript from 5 a.m. on a Sunday morning, Buffalo, F&M back from the bar, in the living room, TV on, recollecting recent transpirations:

M: We got all the girl’s numbers, now we’ve gotta follow up tomorrow, we’ve got shit going on tomorrow.

On the television: Viewer discretion is advised…

F: The one kissin’ the girl, she was fuckin’ rapin’ me dude at Hot Mama’s? Tongue down my throat, like I’m like lookin’ at M like whoa, okay, help me!

M: Yeah oh I was just trying to block the view. I was like, wait, I was kinda like getting the sense that he’s gettin’…he’s gettin’ raped by this woman!

F: I made it known that I was high and I was uncomfortable kissin’ this girl.

M: I couldn’t think of anything to say because I didn’t want to be the guy that cock-blocks the girl!

F: She’s cute, you know what I’m sayin’? But the way she was like…I don’t know, like…hard-core making out in a bar, you know what I’m sayin’?

M: He hasn’t been to the Pink really at all.

D: The Pink’s a little bit darker in there too, so, a little more discretion, but…

M: Like at the Pink some girl just whips out her titty and puts it in my hand like, ‘here’s a titty.’

D: Who, the tranny?

M: No!  The girl who was tryin’ to be my girlfriend at Nietzsches!

F: Oh! M did have a tranny though lookin’ at him! The black one!

M: We were at DBGB’s and I’m smilin’ I look over and I’m still smiling, look her in the eyes and 

I’m like ‘No!’

F: We’re at DBGB’s at the end of the night and you know we grabbed one more beer or whatever so me and L, we look over and there’s this black nigga, you know what to do, starin’ at M hard as hell. I look at M & I started laughin’, he’s got this sad look on his face! Like, ‘I know, I know, this dude keeps looking at me.’  Yo!  M was gettin’ his freak on today though I gotta give him that.

D: Just dancin’?

F: Yeah, surprisingly DBGB’s was awesome.  We got there at like 2, while over here we’re at Hot Mama’s since like 7 and I’m like dude I’m trying to dance or something.

M: Yeah we were sitting around drinking a lot and nothing was going on…

F: DBGB’s was poppin’ (with) 90’s hip-hop, Poison…

M: L brought her friends E and ED out of the blue.

F: So L brings these two friends, he (M) goes for the old, ugly one; like that blonde one is throwin’ looks at you left and right, like, and then I had like 3 girls that I was messin’ with, like I told them, ‘yo your sister’s got like a fucking hex on me, you know what I mean? When your sister’s around I feel like I have to respect her when I’m like with her, you know what I mean? We had fuckin’ 3 other girls…

M: I told you we should have made a try for the Pink.

F: I was too drunk.

M: We had a dance style thing, a sway thing, I did a somersault!  *High five*

F: Yo! M killed it yo! I was doing a little pop-lar thing & out of nowhere, I’m just fuckin’ around with M, right? I act like I throw ‘im (in a) circle (he) does a somersault! I’m like, ‘oh shit!’ I didn’t expect you to do that shit, funny as hell, I was joking around, next thing I know M’s doing a somersault!

M: I’m happy with the numbers I got, she’s a screenwriter, man…

F: I’m happy with my numbers too, good numbers.

D: Powerball numbers.

M: …Powerball numbers…The thing is that we only have so much time to release, we have to schedule ‘em out to meet ‘em up. I mean like yeah I gotta brew tomorrow too…

F: Tryin’ to go to church and shit…

M: I’m trying to go to church at 11:30 still.

F: Scarin’ girls away like you’re fuckin’ hookin’ up with a girl and you’re like, ‘you’re gonna come to church with me tomorrow?’ oh hell no I ain’t goin’ home with you! (she sez).

M: Gotta give ‘em the car test! (“A Bronx Tale” reference)... I’m gonna lick your pussy but you’re gonna come to church tomorrow.

F: Pizza Works? That we went to? There were some hot girls, I mean there were like a couple I was like, ‘yo’ I had to let her…she is beautiful.

M: In the church, there are women like, ‘yeah.’

D: In the act, I think the reason that you’re going, I don’t think (that) it’s religion.

M: No! I like religion! I love Jesus! I explore myself a little bit, I love myself…God’s kingdom is everybody and everybody can get to Heaven if they want to go, they just gotta want to go to Heaven!

F: Yeah, but still, I mean, even at a personal level, I still felt uncomfortable like I can’t be there and be myself because this guy’s talking about this and this guy…and it’s all church and like pushy-pushy because I was good for the beginning, but once they like noticed us, they don’t fuck with M, but because like me, it would be like with you, because you’re new they wanna fuckin’…*snaps fingers* they’re tryin’ to like, ‘oh we’ve got a sales pitch from Jesus Christ,’ you know what I’m sayin’?? You know I’m Catholic, I believe in God, I believe in Jesus, they make me nervous, just that push on you, you know what I mean??  It’s that difference between Christianity…

M: I like it, that’s my new study, that’s my new thesis, The Push, The Crazy Creepy Push.

F: You might like it, I don’t like it at all it makes me uncomfortable.

M: You could deliver better… they could deliver it better.

F: Exactly, they can, they can, for sure.

D: Well, it’s in a way more genuine because it’s not like subtle advertising like you get nowadays with product placement on screen where you don’t even notice that you’re being advertised at.

M: They do like product placement, you gotta get One-A-Day® … You’re gonna make it to church today? But I’m gonna die tomorrow if I don’t like eat food.

F: They keep asking M if he’s going to come to church tomorrow, I kept laughin’ I’m like…

M: I can be like, ‘I’m bleeding out of my eyes and I’m going to need surgery, but I’ll come to church after I’m done with that bullshit,’ Matthew 3 oh ohhhh Matthew 6:33 “Seek first his kingdom…” But I always tell them I’m going to say that there’s a human element, that circumstances are human, I’m going to try taking care of it in human fashion and say ‘unexplainable is your God.’ That’s where I kind of stand with it. I ain’t gonna pray for good loving.  I ain’t gonna pray for not getting a flat tire, I’m just going to get new tires when you get a flat tire.

D: Yeah, but you grasp on to verses the way that they do, in that sense, ‘I’m just going to pick-and-choose the verse that helps my case and like not listen to the rest of it because I’ve already got mine.’

M: I’m like a sponge, I’m absorbing it all…they tell me you should read a Bible verse every day, alright I’ll do that, I’ve got the Bible app (on my phone), I try and do that, I got my math problems, I do push-ups every day, I come back to them and I start quoting them their own shit back to them like…

F: Oh you know John Paul verse 8-2-3?

M: Proverbs 20:13? No, there’s a couple out there I’ve got down where I’m like I pulled on the one dude Abe, like, he’s kinda like… I don’t know, they all come at you with their stuff, they stopped bugging me when… I remember what they say I don’t know if that’s what they really want though, you know once they kinda got you, they’re kinda like…

F: Gotcha!

M:  I was kind of amused with the attention I was getting from it too like…

F: I’m not… that makes me so uncomfortable.

M: And they’re not trying to convert me anymore, ‘he’s converted!’ (they’d say)

F: They got the hint that you’re not interested!

M: No No they challenge me, they say, ‘we don’t think you’re interested,’ but I’m interested! I’m here every fuckin’ Sunday!

F: Oh yeah like I told them when I first started, ‘I’m here to try to learn a little more, I’m born Catholic, I’m like, ‘I’m here, my friend’s interested, I’m interested,’ you know? ‘But don’t start spittin’ Bible verses at me, don’t talk Bible study, you know what I mean?’  or pitch that, but pitch it in a way that’s going to relate to me. You know, like, imagine somebody that’s atheist or something and how would you pitch them to come to something that you want them to hear, which is Bible study, don’t be like, ‘oh you know, “come to Bible study Matthew 18:23”’…you’re not (going to be) interested.

D: Somebody who has their agenda that they’re trying to get to you, their boilerplate issues…

F: Because I’m interested in like learning, but dude, I could fuckin’ look up the History Channel™ and learn what I want to learn from my religion, you know what I’m sayin’? Without that, you know, propaganda, because they’ve got their own feelings, their own views…

D: What do you mean History Channel™?

F: Oh History Channel™ be gettin’ it in, dude.

D: Yeah, but you don’t think that they have their own propaganda and goals too?

F: Exactly! But they at least go back into the history of it. Which is pretty much what that pastor does, you know? He relates to it you know, uh…

M: I look at it like this, he’s up in front of the church, they’re up in front of the church talking about God, who’s (whose?) God? Who do you see talking about God while you’re trying them up in front of the church? How does that effect the parish? With anyone, public speaking, I think in general there’s a power developed upon delivery, even like, talking about music, that’s why I love it too, the delivery of how you deliver lyrics and say things to people really like…

F: I mean, it’s like how you relate anything to anybody…

M: But to be like talking about like abstract things even too in makin’ people believe in ya, faith is like something people I think should…

F: Yeah.  When it comes to religion dude you can’t… I don’t care how much knowledge you know, you cannot convince, persuade anybody to believe in something that they don’t believe in, you know what I mean? You can tie them, you can inform them, you know what I mean? But…

D: A lot of people don’t have a strong set of beliefs then you can sway them to believe what you believe, but, you know, there’s also (something) based on charisma, and is charisma something that can be learned or earned through your faith?

M: Yeah, that’s part of it, yeah, charisma…

D: Yeah, discipline-based, well, I mean, in a way it is kinda discipline-based …

F: It is, it is discipline, you know what I mean? Because you abide to an order.

Commercial: ...Extra frustrating when pimples pop up in hard to reach places!

D: Pimples in hard to reach places…

F: Fuckin’ pimples.

M: That’s what’s on my mind, like, your mind’s on pimples in hard to reach places and you’re like lettin’ somebody lead them.

F: Must be nice to *mumble* pimple…

M: No, I don’t question leadership, I more look at leadership, I analyze it and say like, ‘okay, where’s it leading um?’ I haven’t fully finished my study yet on that, the Buffalo Church of Christ…

D: In Heaven, pro’bly, right? Ideally…

M: Ideally…through Heaven.  Up in Heaven.

D: Yeah…I guess so!

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M: Oh she’s got that spot…She just needs a man, she doesn’t need a fuckin’ sponge massager!

Commercial: ...value, order Proactiv™ today for just $19.95 and the new Total Body Decal is yours free!

F: *mumbles*

M:  Yeah, you forgot about that…*aside to F*

F: I did!

M:  I looked over there too and I felt like an asshole because the two new ones that just came on the dancefloor, we kind of went for them first.

F: Nononono

M: You kinda bounced around, but… (F&M bicker)… you should have come out D, (there would have been) more people, more manpower.

D: I’m happy.

M: They gathered, they came, and then we couldn’t keep it all…

F: They conquered!  They gathered, they came, but we did not conquer.  M started doing his freaky, weird, little leg thing

M: Oh yeah, yeah, they like that, they like that, that’s actually what got the…

F: I was freakin’ the shit out of them though, I had a good time, I had a good time...

Commercial: I won this 55 inch TV for less than $30 on deal-dash-dot-com!

M: DJ sucked…

Commercial: These aren’t actors, they are real people who got huge savings on deal-dash-dot-com!

F: I don’t know, I thought he did a pretty decent job for the most part.

Commercial: At dealdashdotcom you can save up to 99%, but hurry, everything must go…

F: *puts nostril to line of cocaine on coffee table and sniffs (without utensil)*

M: You wanna paint something?

F: Paint?

M: You need a brush.

F: What do you want to paint? Where’s that easel?

M: There’s no easel, where’s the canvas?

Commercial: Are you having fun?

M: I’m going to church tomorrow…

F: You can do cocaine before you go to church.  You’re not saved if you’re not doin’ coke before you go to church!  Are you not goin’ (now)?

M: I’m goin’ to church!

F: I ain’t goin’!

M: You can go with me if you want?

F: I’ll go, I guess, I would definitely go actually, there are some fuckin’ pretty ass girls there, I’d be like ‘ohhh! Baby!’ (singing)

M: I’ll swear to Jesus for them!

F: M’s a fool yo! We had fun tonight though.

M: It was fun!

F: Saw some Stripteasers, there were them, & little fruit-cup boy did his little thing.

D: Oh yeah, Max Darling?

F: If that’s what they call him! He did alright though, you know what I mean? Cause, fuckin’, because I had a lot of like my co-workers now, they’re all, (I’m like), ‘fuck’ ‘cause I had like 2 of them show up, but they were alright with it you know what I’m sayin’? Like I let them know beforehand (the nature of this thing) bla-bla-blah. I didn’t let them know about the guy thing, but, the show that they put on was good, you know they had 2 girls before, and then he came on, it was quick *claps hands to indicate brevity*

M: And they let on Jamie Doctor and Delilah Dynamite, and then they did Fanny LeFaux, and then they did Max Power, so like...

F: Oh that’s the thing, Max Power?

M: I love Delilah, and I love Jamie Doctor…

F: Shit, I’m tryin’ to go to DBGB’s like every Saturday to be honest…if there’s girls like that there? On the weekend?  For sure.

M: Well, they’re out there.

F: I was playin’ it conservative because your sister was there with her friends, but even with them there dude I was still like, bouncin’ around like, so we need to go there, just like ‘us guys.’

M: Every Saturday?

F: Not every Saturday, but…

M: I’m better, I’m better, I’m better off…well?

F: Yo M, them 3 girls though? Terrifying.

M: You see J?

F: Who?

M: Little Puerto Rican girl we were walking by who was drunk at Hardware? Those two friends? …I’m gonna be out on Friday nights I think.

F: Well we got to teach you how to really Salsa dance.  And then you can dance with the Puerto Ricans and the White girls and you’ll really show ‘em how it’s done, you know what I’m sayin’?  It’s easy dude.  It’s all about the spin.  It’s all about the 1-2-3-4’s and how you push out, pull in and spin!

M: I’ll admit the only thing I have to do is, if you do the spin, like bringing it back in the same rhythm that you spin ‘em out to.  You can’t spin them too fast!

F: But think about it as music and music reps. When you’re dancing to a Salsa song, think about it that you’re playing your guitar to it, or the bassline to it.

M: Right, well I just spin ‘em fast because I try to get ‘em over and back, because that’s what I’m thinking about, I’m just saying, that’s my learning curve.

F: With Salsa is different from hip-hop, once you lose that rhythm, it’s harder than hip-hop to get back into it, with hip-hop you’re like ‘duh, I fucked up,’ oh! now you’re back with it.

D: It’s super repetitive.

F: Yeah, and with Salsa, you have to get into that 1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4. You know, and you fuck up, you gotta wait for that next rep! It’s a little more complex!

M: Know. It’s hard. Yeah. He’s right! Because I did that last…was it last night?

F: Because once you get it, it’s easy dude, because all it is is reps of 4.

M: There’s points… there’s only 2 or 3 times where I stop and just like let… she kept going and I kind of cowed in where she was and moved into it.

F: That’s why you lead!

M: You’re supposed to lead!

F: Exactly, That’s why you lead! And you fuckin’ throw them where you want to. It’s like when I dance Salsa with girls, I’m fuckin’ throwin’ bitches, spinnin’ ‘em around, you control the count, you can make it 4 count, you can make it a 6 or 8 as long as you’re in rhythm, you know what I’m sayin’? But…

M: It’s like the spin, it’s like the recovery after the spin.

F: Yeah, you control them, you know what I mean?  Well in hip-hop sometimes, it gets awkward if you fuck up, you know? You’re like, ‘oh okay’ you know what I mean?

TV: It’s a simple piece of equipment, ‘This is the bit that goes in the mouth, this is the steering mechanism, lets you go right, left, this is the area right here that broke,’ and when the bit broke, Joey had no way to steer the horse.  ‘I just never expected something like that to happen, you don’t expect steel to break, fortunately, Catman and I just got away with scrapes and bruises.’ Today many manufacturers add safety nylon straps to bits, hopefully preventing what happened here from ever happening again… Trails, heartaches, and burdens, lights out.

--

 “Love not sleep, lest thou come to poverty; open thine eyes, and thou shalt be satisfied with bread.” Proverbs 20:13

“But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” Matthew 6:33

“Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants.” Matthew 18:23

Pity the Belly of the Beast

                I’m at a point in my life where the thoughts in my own head I’m convinced are in need of edit because I ate too much last night and drank too much the night before so that I made myself lazy and slothful and usually when that happens I believe that all of the rational and good ideas that I was thinking I will remember of course because ‘they are such good ideas’ that ‘I am therefore a genius’ which becomes ‘how could such a genius forget?’ How?  Because genius does not assume discipline.  There is prodigy genius, which is inherited, and therefore squanderable, and then there is disciplined genius, which earns the distinction because of moral integrity.  What was I thinking?  Sure, my ideas are good (not comparing), but they are sometimes long, complex, or a step in a multistep process that I’m trying to forge and my memory is not that good and isn’t this why we have the written word, so that we might be able to reference it later, but what good is that if I never take the time to look back or am too lazy to pick up my implement?  Please forgive and God help me!  I may not be the best and brightest, but I could be!  I’m mad at myself because it’s 0531 and I didn’t get up a few minutes earlier to really seize the day (sans alarum)! Part of it is that I need a new bed, this floor-mattress set-up has just about reached its mesial limit.  These are such food ideas, and I’m a fool, Quiche! And she’s such an egg pie!  My gut tells me otherwise.  Will, chicken fucker I told my orders to, wants to control more, including how I feel, the meal would be better in smaller portions, less distended.  Why the struggle?  Resistant reality, light limits, fictive coefficients, pleasure is friction…
Pain, science fiction? (You feel me?)

                I watch my Presence of Mind wander a field astray, fetches visions from outer space, I time my dog?  I swing my spider!  Manufactured cloth webbing around a dinner fork, lighter than lace, stickier than silk.  My dreams are weird.  I have to shit, but somebody just stepped in the shower. I’m like a loser losing interest all the time until I lose my shit instead, for a minute a day, pissing with a bedraggled penis.  It takes on a life of its own.  It takes a life of its own. It takes on a life of differentiation. It takes a differentiated life.  It takes something greater than a fetus to destroy life itself? It takes an undifferentiated life through combining forms. Through death, life becomes differentiated.  Check, through death, lifeforms become differentiated by separating life from form.  Unless everything that has form has life?  Is Jainism the ultimate answer?  Can one take life to a different form?  Fetal forms by zygote!  What’s the matter with all this stuff?  Is there an ideal balance?  Do those with a lot of “stuff,” forms devoid of life, have less life than those who live joyful lives in the void?  Who dies and becomes the microwavable platter?  I’m really hungry!  Little torture!  It takes a lot to have a little, but the virtue of poverty is truly a motivating factor, like the fast diet, in that it counterintuitively gives one undifferentiated fast energy unit. 

                Undifferentiated women; a break-up, a differentiation, a simplification?  The original mother, a woman, the only one (of two) that one couldn’t do without.  Do you doubt, Thomas, Adam?  Is God a woman?  If one is a woman, God is a woman.  If one is another woman, God is a man, a differentiated woman, and you can be sure she cares about her man’s culture of domesticity, even if she eats the occasional apple by mistake.  Like something stupid on repeat, a nag; like a lie, a gnat.  Like verisimilitude, anthropomorphism; like superstition, symbolic perception.  One can also be a woman, unattached, and care about man, mindfully.  My mother is a mindful woman.  What woman nags and lives a lie?  Who is surrounded by horses and flies?  Ride or die, bitch! But I’m all out of spite.  Is leaving home like a break-up? Isn’t it more about living life larger?  Bar largesse!  Get drunk and make a mess!  What does man, undifferentiated, become?  A man’s-man or a lady’s-man?  Maybe both at best.  Stop trying to be different, stupid.  “Hurry bring the ladle,” sez the sexy Hungarian’s intermediary, for her chili.  It’s a trap.

                “I think I found the culprit,”

                (me?)

                “Externalize, you!  Tell me what you know! Tell me what you think! Tell me what you think you know!”

                Ugly one, always under the gun, stressed by metaphor, coward of the machine, spasmodic, fearful of the unknown, textbook xenophobe.

                “How can the autopsy’s looks be deceiving?  Stabwounds, gunshot bulletholes…” differentiated weaponry, knives: a pair of scissors, shears, machete, kris, or broadsword, etc. guns: AK’s, gats, Uzis, sawed-off shotty, etc.  (Not a scratch, how irritating?) “Bulging eyes, clear sign of a violent death, inflicted by who?  Speak, you!” goes the magistrate in an un-American version of criminal justice.

                A Chinese pinhead, and poor old Mrs. Djou, languishing in the screws and some old idea of Hell in Asia, full of symbols for the sinologist.  Meanwhile, Elliot Smith, Needle in the Hay, languishing in some American emotional hell, aren’t all wounds in the imagination self-inflicted?  Who is the mentally healthiest and how did he or she get so well?  Through deference or rebellion?  A little bit of both one could say, I would say (still maintaining my mental health, in the running) through moderation, modulation, and occasional ululation.  Presenting Freudian slips on Facebook for all to overanalyze, to screw you up!

                The global ‘democratic’ powers that be seek to maintain control, dominate.  Democratic domination crisis, consumerism as a belief system, brand superstition, at resource’s end, mining a dump’s sediment for its valuable gourmet maggots of the future.  Despite consumerist hankering, it is impolite to demand, for even in the face of supply, it is more polite to ask.  Where do economists get off demanding all the time?  First demands, then coercion, then the dark side of the jar, jar wrapped in aluminum, full of commodity, alone, with thoughts full of undifferentiated run-on sentences, a mind full of ‘-nesses’ aka things, masses, and blockages savagely catering to the impaired.  Tattoo of a star, tattoo of a crutch, nursed by a system that rewards virtue with intolerance?  It rewards impairment with mercy, because common people cognitively impair themselves all the time to avoid the advanced state of rationality brought on by catered food.  It’s easier to be cognitively dissonant to avoid the labor dispute, viz. a disparity in values, the trickle-down effect?  Flood up, trickle down.  Some people just need more time to digest! The effects of particle physics in the gut, leave the light on, burn the midnight oil, and remain aware of your surroundings so as not to fill rooms with the stuff of wasted space.  Stuff collects like interest and life is squandered by disinterest like a gypsy resource curse.

                There was dream effort to torpedo large fish through shallow white water canal locks from a fishing ferry in tight sequence for enterprise!  Material science, what is matter made of?  Pure energy! A mattress materializes and dreams thereupon sublime.   Some things are matters of fact and some others are anti-matters of perception, like surreal and esoteric metaphor you don’t know me!  Anti-McCarthyism and the Red Dering Doo, “I’m not scared of your ska bred, radio head, anarchist sentimentality!  I only add to myself by giving myself away, this is called ‘inspiring the light’.  See two (and only two) photons in the dark with eyes crossed or attenuated?”  The analytical mind, seeking patterns in bed at night, looking for something that’s not there (yet), like mathematical Sasquatch or Nessy for realz.  A large body that takes a certain (discrete) amount of energy to procreate, a living human mass made of cells and electrons, soul and emotion, sense and perception.  Your sense is clouded, your perception obscure.  Pickled tink?  Tickled pink by Floyd Januaryweather the weak pugilist (this year).  Tink can wait in her jar, Peter, I think I hear the hook (to this song).  The acoustics in a jar, oh!  Wasn’t it wrong for the United States to invade South Vietnam whilst ignoring holocaust level genocide in East Timor?  Challenging sides!  I hope to see improvement in my time.  As a state with a phallus, I understand, sometimes you fail us, and sometimes you gotta swing that dick, tricky as can be, and when hard, maintain one direction!  You can only feel sorry for so many at the same time, and what about the rest of the militarized pacifist superpowers?

                “Pity preserves things that are ripe for decline, it defends things that have been disowned and condemned by life, and it gives a depressive and questionable character to life itself by keeping alive an abundance of failures of every type. People have dared to call pity a virtue…people have gone even further, making it into the virtue, the foundation and source of all virtues, - but of course you always have to keep in mind that this was the perspective of a nihilistic philosophy that inscribed the negation of life on its shield. Schopenhauer was right here: pity negates life, it makes life worthy of negation, - pity is the practice of nihilism. Once more: this depressive and contagious instinct runs counter to the instincts that preserve and enhance the value of life: by multiplying misery just as much as by conserving everything miserable, pity is one of the main tools used to increase decadence – pity wins people over to nothingness!... You do not say ‘nothingness’: instead you say ‘the beyond’; or ‘God’; or ‘the true life’; or nirvana, salvation, blessedness.  This incorrect rhetoric…” 

                What does Nietzsche mean by nothingness?  Inertia?  Disproved by particle physics.  Nothing in the universe is motionless.  Where there is observation there is not nothing.  Things come in and out of existence spontaneously.  ‘The beyond’ could mean nothing.  Zarathustra believes God is dead, therefore, if God no longer observes, who is in charge of creation but the individual, still thinking through some miracle?  I think that the age of the notion of God as the judgmental anthropomorphism in the sky is passed.  Is there no true life?  Why dishonesty?  Are nirvana, salvation, and blessedness nothing?  Maybe to Nietzsche, but they may be meaningful and substantive in another life.  Why does Nietzsche just come out and say here that Heaven and Hell are nothing?  He works around that!  Pity does not cause inertia, but it also does not necessarily move people to action, and that apathy, lack of charity, and loss of humanity is what I believe Nietzsche is against, rightly so.  Would you pity yourself during an attack?  If the furthest extent of Hell were real, who wouldn’t pity a soul bound for eternal damnation through their lack of judgment?  Heaven saves humanity, because if people are bound to die, and they typically do, in varying degrees of violence, why pity one off to a better place, something substantive, another life?

                “…from the realm of the religious – moral idiosyncrasy suddenly appears much less innocent when you see precisely which tendencies are wrapped up inside these sublime words: tendencies hostile to life” viz. these words themselves? Am I hostile to life by being wrapped up inside these words?  Would Nietzsche (from The Anti-Christ found on GoodReads) admit his hostility towards life here?  Should it not say, ‘those sublime words’?  Beyond God, true life, nirvana, salvation, and blessedness, these words are hostile? But to speak to their antithesis, with God, false life, hell, damnation, and wretchedness?  I guess it all depends on how one defines God?  Pins God? Pegs God? Anthropomorphizes God?  Crucifies God? It’s true that many of those who regard sections of righteous text with rigor tend to miss ‘the big picture.’  While mastery of such discipline and derived virtue are deemed laudable to some, efficient discipline and efficient virtue negate patience, the place where a Christian notion of long-suffering is a virtue.  Those suicide bombers and shooters, how can they possibly renegotiate their innocence after the fact that they attached their own clip like a machine and fired? That they clasped their own explosive belt like and anti-mart(yr) and did more than flip a few tables.  The fact that they cast their own God’s righteousness upon their fellow man, following a religion they chose on their own, every day, like a machine, and mercilessly tore apart families minding their own businesses?  But who wants privacy anymore?  Those smoldering chunks of human flesh are suicide famous! No virgins, just Suicide Girls, no burka, just tattoos, no privacy, just on stage presence, etc.

High and Write-y: A New Year's Rant

I’m getting bored again.  I’m getting high again.  I’m finding that this has a lot to do with the season.  I can tell that normal men have an outlet for their flop.  I’m unemotional about it all.  I add a little more water, unmeasured, an estimate, to get the ratio more exact for the coffee I’m brewing, because apparently I believe that care and meticulousness will occupy my mind enough to provide that modicum of happiness I think I seek, because happiness is a chemical balance, obviously.  It’s true, I blame my mental inconsistencies with my desire to control inputs and thereby direct outcomes.  I need a radical shift in my own consciousness.  Just my own?  Nay! Society!  Trends in societal consciousness, what society deems important, and I remain separate.  Banking, commercialism, debt collection, technological ideas of efficiency like multi-tasking with resultant social anxieties, all these things put me at a loss.  I can only imagine that the lords of capital keep these distractions out there in order to keep order and pacify.  Power and influence prevail.  Why can’t I stay positive?  Why am I bitching?  Why can’t I stay on point or on topic?  Argh!

                I cannot with the struggle and the nonsensical nature of it all UP SPORT! UP SPORT! Support! Support!  Everyone is worried about the next trivial affair.  I can’t focus on the bigger picture.  Can I even GET HIGH anymore?  I deserve the whip.  I need to take what I can get with a grain of salt, if I can get salt.  I’ve got plenty of space?  Congestion.  I’m congested.   I need to get clear.  I need to get away.  I need to learn how to communicate.  I need to learn how to network?  AYEAYEAYEAYEAYE!  I can’t stand it!  I need to stand it!  I need to learn how to stand what?  I need to learn how to stand up for myself?    I need to learn how to tolerate something?  I need to learn how to tolerate direction?  Whose direction?  It just seems that nothing I do corrects the mental malfunction!  Full Metal Jacket? Fuck my job!  Intensify!  The problem I have is that I can’t usually handle the intensity because of something I ate and also I want to gain weight?  Put on muscle.  And what am I doing to accomplish this?  Not enough.   I’m relying on chemicals to supplement my energy requirements instead of relying on myself!  What is a sure sign of a successful person?  Exercise!  What is a key feature of many a New Year’s Resolution?  Exercise!  Practice!  Growth!  Breakthrough.

                I’m feel good when I maintain forward progress.  I get into trouble when I slow pace to a crawl, so that I play mental tricks on myself.  I forget.  I go backwards.  I retrogress.  Mentally, I spin in circles.  The mind, made up, and full of blood that circulates and recirculates, and with each and every recirculation, what? A new idea?  A cell in circulation, in the bloodstream, leaves the mind with a thought or idea?  Not nerve impulses?  The age we live in, not one of Newtonian physicality anymore?  The heart a pump.  But we are new beings of light, made of lighter particles, particles of creation?  But does un-recirculated, new creation negate history?  Or is it history, repeated, in a new light?  Does the tilt of Earth’s axis and the angle of light, along with the chemical constitution of Earth’s atmosphere effect the quality of written word as it leaves the page?  How would the author feel about words twisted?  And what about the word of God, twisted?  Macro-god and Micro-god: a godless bi-theistic duality.  One of two has to be the Devil, raging against God, a contest of semi-powers?  One of two has to be half.  One of one has to be whole.  Third, quarter, etc. but where is room for decimation and imbalance in the sample ratios?  How would one have reached the new physics of light without the physics of machination?  But wasn’t God a being or miracles, wonder, and most of all light, well before the era of industrial mechanization?  Therefore, doesn’t the new particle physics of light mechanize God?  Only unto believers of this great unholy un-wholeness!  How many angels can ride unicycles on a photon juggling electrons on atoms?  How many positively charged clowns are in the course of study?  Students with blue veins, hearts mechanically coursing chemically enhanced blood through veins, hell-bent on conquering the science of light!  Obligatory Charge of the Light Brigade reference, thanks Tennyson, thanks Crimea.

                Diffident? (modest or shy because of a lack of self-confidence) Not me!  I just don’t know anything! And that’s something that I can be confident of, if I don’t think about my lack of knowledge, and my thoughtless justifications thereof.  Bang your head against the ground.  Be more modest, my Love, I command thee.  Be more retarded, my Love, slow me physically, and mentally, be my burden!  Be the hilarious misfit piggy of my punk Muppet dream! Be my heteronormative faggot!  Be the bitter bean I chug in the morning and the sweet grain I sip at night.  Torture me to death and resurrect me, Oh Hell! ‘Is it in the cards?’ as the gamblers of destiny would say to the fated little one.   Continuity is excess factor in the blood.  Sexually hybridize!  In the new world, America, is the only way to conquer fear and hate the physical act of love-making?  Before the era of industrial mechanization, love was a matter of miracles, wonder, and most of all, it wasn’t just physical. Love is the wave; form of light!  (Punctuation counts)  Have a nice day!

Protein Squinting

What’s the use?

Don’t dismay!  The structure of amino acids will help you infer!

                Determined by the sequence from different species, like primates, like bacteria, 2 proteins can perform the same function, an evolutionary relationship? An evolutionary relationship! The implication of this individual functional unit we find in nature, complex sequencing, beyond its normal function, pro-proteins, an extra sequence, like glycosylation, or a cell that says ‘no’ outside the cytoplasm, like an anti-body, recognition? Edman degradation fragments indirectly, routinely sequence, rapidly, DNA, decode into the protein sequence.  Reiteration, if the functional sequence spits out initially, can we tell post translationally?  Some side-chains cannot be changed at the end of the day, you can still check by mass spectrometry if this is ‘good enough.’ The Gene, The Proteome, the functional aspect of the nucleic acid, the origin.

                Nature acts to protect us.

              

                Stimulating anti-body production (get-away-from-me)

                The epitope is the part of the protein sequence that is going to represent the antibody, politically.

             

   Heavy-chain, light-chain, everything is covalent, produced from 4 separate polypeptide chains, the tertiary structure, a why-like shape, it doesn’t function in recognition at all, it helps the binding interaction take place.  Zoom in on that structure so you can see where it binds.  Red and Blue chains, both peptides are present in this domain, my FAV.  Flexible domains have more than two events take place. How do we make use? Immunity? We can form risky antibodies in your own rabbit, Polly Clonal. The rabbit (Polly) gets injected as you were once boosted.

We don’t know what’s appropriate.

Nature can do this efficiently.

The antibodies are built up in Polly’s blood. Higher-order species have developed many efficiencies.  Centrifuge serum, anti-serum, anti-bodies, all anti-gens to which Polly’s been exposed, they just exist there, figure that out.  Pictured up here are Polly Clonal’s rabbit anti-bodies, differently colored epitopes, red triangles, blue squares, green circles, a non-uniform (racemic) mixture, heterogeneity, why would we use these?

Pictured down here are Mona Clonal’s antibodies.  We’ve selected one predictable dose and response with different affinity. Most cells that produce antibodies have a very short lifetime.

Cancerous yeasts are immortal.  They don’t die.

Multiple myeloma is what we take advantage of.

We generate Polly Clonal’s antibodies, red cells, these will die, these (others) live, hybrids…Just blue, just red, blue and red together, the hybridoma cell line, one type of DNA, one type of antibody.  Polly Clonal is different from Mona Clonal.

Why do we care?

We can make use of precise analytical or preparatory chemistry, very small amounts, quantification, a read-out, fluorescence spectroscopy, affinity tag, the way that would work: a column format chromatography. Detection fits in with tracing.

E.L.I.S.A.: Enzyme-Linked ImmunoSorbent Assay.

The connection between enzyme and an antibody.

Signal detection? Tracer enzyme. Link. Better. Smaller. Direct. Backwards. If it sticks, we have a catalyst. Schematically what’s happening? Red dots are antigen, stuck to the walls of the vessel. Wash. Introduce antibodies. Wash. Introduce enzyme. Wash. Use the laser-dick. (A lot of steps are required to get it up.  That’s why we have designed Elisa. She’s good to us. She’s easy. Routine. Less work.  Sold easily. My precious…) Sandwich Elisa, she recognizes 2 antibodies, same antigen.  Make an elaborate assay, spectral readout, western blotting liked to electrophoresis (SDS-PAGE). You think that one of these bands is a specific protein? Radioactivity tag/auto-radiogram or Elisa, or fluorescence can also be used. That’s it for antibodies.

Cubans are pretty good synthetic chemists.  Not as good as nature. Nature puts out (more than Cubans?). But you can play tricks on nature that nature doesn’t do, unnatural substitutions. Synthetic peptides, short stretches of proteins can be made in a day, like a plant function, formylly, with Formylmethionine.  Higher-order mammalian (live-birthing teet sucker) cells intentionally make polypeptides. Vasopressin. ADH. Increase or decrease urination? Whatever’s functionally useful! Induce for treatment, roses full of loaded thorns. Desamino (take away) remove N term, split. We can do tricks like this to what was otherwise a natural material.

“Quaedam remedia graviora sunt quam ipsa pericula.” – Seneca

(Certain remedies are more grievous than the dangers themselves)

Scio a Carmene

We do well always and everywhere to give You thanks and praise for the glory of His church, who laid the groundwork for the form designs (icons) Whose window blueprint a glory box with radio antennae for a cross on a steeple.  Redress the graves of those who went before us to increase the rates of rolling corpses there, in the system, and thus calculate the rates of disapproval against the binary standard by the invisible Hand of the proper authorities who properly sort papers, action amended.

Persistent in perpetuity, the lucrative species evokes the necessary responses requisite to form desired outcomes. ‘Cause loyalty to the institutional standard that derives power through obfuscation filters, a CREAMy crust that forms on the surface. Erratic logic diagrams of binary log (decision-making prefrontal cortex) of peaks and troughs, signs of logically low posits of uncertainty.

“’Say at last – who art thou?’
‘That Power I serve
Which wills forever evil
Yet does forever good.’”

Goethe, Faust, from Bulgakov, M., The Master and Margarita.

The phrase ‘hooked up’ is an urban colloquialism that comes from the Christian notion of Jesus being a ‘fisher of men,’ and thus, there comes an appreciation for being caught in a net presence of divinity. In science, however, the calque comes from ‘Hooke’s Law,’ which creates dual meaning, wherein the body being acted upon is being upwardly elevated not as from a force from above, but being pulled from a force from below.  The alternate urban notion to having been ‘hooked up’ follows the physical notion of having been ‘sprung,’ wherein the body achieves the physical state of achieving upward mobility in an imagined sense, psychologically associated with an object used to ‘get high.’ Furthermore, in the Christian sense of the word, the alternate position achieved by the body put in motion has an indefinite recurrence to its former position (pendulously), whereas the use of the sense of the word derived from physics presupposes a repositioning due to gravity or some other form of periodicity inherent in the mechanistic act, (where the body having been sprung upwards is sure to fall). Thus comes confusion arising from the religious sense of belief based on orthodoxy (‘right belief’) and the scientific sense of the phrase that is based on method or habit, viz. orthopraxy (‘right action’).  What is the science of ascension?  (Quantum rockets.)

Time is Chaos: We're all Doomed!

All quotes from Spengler, O. from The Decline of the West.

“Yellow and red, on the other hand, the colours of nearness, the popular colours, are associated with the brass timbre, the effect of which is corporeal often to the point of vulgarity.” P133

“Astonishment at alien motion is the source of religion and physics both; respectively, they are the elucidations of Nature (world-around) by the soul and by the reason. The ‘powers’ are the first object both of fearful or loving reverence and of critical investigation.  There is a religious experience and a scientific experience.” P200

“The outcome of a Numen is a Deus, the outcome of a notion is an idea…Every myth of the great style stands at the beginning of an awakening spirituality…” p201

“The Roman felt that the claim Yahweh to be recognized as sole God had something atheistic in it.  One God, for him, was no God, and to this may be ascribed the strong dislike of popular feeling, both Greek and Roman, for the philosophers insofar as they were pantheists and godless. Gods are bodies, of the highest type, and plurality was an attribute of bodies alike for mathematicians, lawyers, and poets.” P203

“All these deities more and more came to be felt as a single numen, though the adherents of a particular cult would believe that they in particular knew the numen in its true shape. Hence it is that Isis could be spoken of as the ‘million-named.’ Hitherto, names had been the designations of so many gods different in body and locality; now they are titles of the One whom every man has in mind.” P206

“That this ‘force’ of ‘energy’ is really a numen stiffened into a concept (and in nowise the result of scientific experience) is shown by the often overlooked fact that the basic principle known as the First Law of Thermodynamics says nothing whatever about the nature of energy, and it is properly speaking an incorrect (though psychologically significant) assumption that the idea of the ‘conservation of energy’ is part of it. Experimental measurement can in the nature of things only establish a number, which we (significantly, again) named work. But the dynamical cast of our thought demanded that this should be conceived as a difference of energy, although the absolute value of energy is only a figment and can never be rendered by a definite number.” P210

“All that has happened on the way from Newton to Faraday – or from Berkeley to Mill – is that the religious deed-idea has been replaced by the irreligious work-idea.” P212

“When Nietzsche wrote down the phrase ‘transvaluation of all values’ for the first time, the spiritual movement of the centuries in which we are living found at last its formula.  Transvaluation of all values is the most fundamental character of every civilization. For it is the beginning of a Civilization that it remoulds all the forms of the Culture that went before, understands them otherwise, practices them in a different way. It begets no more, but only reinterprets, and herein lies the negativities common to all periods of this character. It assumes that the genuine act of creation has already occurred, and merely enters upon an inheritance of big actualities.” P181-2

“Culture and Civilization – the living body of a soul and the mummy of it.”

“Only a sick man feels his limbs.”

“As soon as life is fatigued, as soon as a man is put on to the artificial soil of great cities – which are intellectual worlds to themselves – and needs a theory in which suitably to present Life to himself, morale turns into a problem… It had become necessary to discover, to invent or squeeze into form, as a rule of being, that which was no longer anchored in instinct; and at this point therefore begin the civilized ethics that are no longer the reflection of Life but the reflection of Knowledge upon Life.” P183

-------------------

                All of my belongings, my indelibly ascertained objects of management ideals strewn efficiently in a blinking bucket for all-time’s sake. So current it’s almost predictive of the future status of things as they lie. Lying blinking inert.

                The albino horrorshow freak, face all mouth, no eyes. There was a time when I canvassed forests, mountain ponds, and hours of walking trail; back when? Back before the freak roamed. Much like the freak, whose judgment is blind and whose punishment is swift if he sniffs out a couple campers unawares in a pitch tent making whoopee racket when the freak upends the polyester from the terpene tarpaulin and tin stakes and sends a camper rolling back down whatever height climbed to get there, short way to the bottom, rock, tree, and then down the gaping wet white maw that is the albino’s mouth all slobbery for sapiens. Man’s knowledge of the freak extends all the way back to the Garden whence Adam tamed it and named it Gary.  Gary et apples from a particular tree that gave Gary an appealing reek, ponderously from the very fruit he consumed. Adam had leashed Gary the freak to the forbidden tree where he maintained happily blind and tethered. The fruit from the tree was known as Gary’s fruit, not simply because Gary ate from the tree, but because Gary ate whatever or whosoever haplessly gobbled the possessive apples in his sleep.  Whatever ate from the tree would subsequently produce a signature scent with which the freak associated his appetite. Gary would loosen himself and sometimes run a marathon in pursuit of whatever creature was unfortunate enough to nibble its way into Gary’s grove. Gary mostly feasted on worms, boogers, and apples, until one day…

Sun Tzuzaphones converse.
Terror: an advanced state of panic.
Terrorist: a vertiginous construction worker.
Terrorism: a monument dedicated to the panicking.
Skyscraper: Long-term scaffolding.

Dissenter to the Times Literal translation pled ignorance to knowing antennae stations of the cross with syntactic religious iconoodles executing smellings alt. Delete screen with me falling asleep in front of it.

“Since Newton, the assumption of constant mass – the counterpart of constant force – has had uncontested validity. But the quantum theory of Planck, and the conclusions of Niels Bohr therefrom as to the fine structures of atoms, which experimental experience had rendered necessary, have destroyed this assumption. Every self-contained system possesses, besides kinetic energy, an energy of radiant heat which is inseparable from it and therefore cannot be represented purely by the concept of mass. For if mass is defined by living energy it is ipso facto no longer constant with reference to thermodynamic state. Nevertheless, it is impossible to fit the theory of quanta into the group of hypotheses constituting the ‘classical’ mechanics of the Baroque; moreover, along with the principle of causal continuity, the basis of the Infinitesimal Calculus founded by Newton and Leibniz is threatened. But, if these are serious enough doubts, the ruthlessly cynical hypothesis of the Relativity theory strikes to the very heart of dynamics. Supported by the experiments of A.A. Michelson, which showed that the velocity of light remains unaffected by the motion of the medium, and prepared mathematically by Lorentz and Minkowski, its specific tendency is to destroy the notion of absolute time. Astronomical discoveries (and here present-day scientists are seriously deceiving themselves) can neither establish nor refute it. ‘Correct’ and ‘incorrect’ are not the criteria whereby such assumptions are to be tested; the question is whether, in the chaos of involved and artificial ideas that have been produced by the innumerable hypotheses of Radioactivity and Thermodynamics, it can hold its own as a useable hypothesis or not. But however this may be, it has abolished the constancy of those physical quantities into the definition of which time has entered, and unlike the antique statics, the Western dynamics knows only such quantities.” p419

Jungian Sidewinder Durations, Ornaments, and Imitations

Oil, essentially, hedges bets that engine size and aromatic output will make big cities smell like French whores before long car-dicks compete for the stinkiest automotive necessity for fucking.  Guilt is wastefulness, the feeling that overcomes the binged spirit, if only it weren’t ad encouraged to binge on commercial things!  Spoiled children feel rebellious and act lazily.  Tanning sidewinder feeling/sensing Jungian law, radiating the Sun of this world below gets the wrong idea about Omar Rodriguez Lopez, General Schwarzkopf, and non sequiturs.  “Do not, I beg you, look for anything behind phenomena,” Goethe, from Decline of the West, Spengler, O. p84. “They are themselves their own lesson.” Denial of my own Jungian intuition takes me outside the red zone, another football Sunday brain scrape. I’m imagining contusions in running wonder pads.  Rhetorical cynicism silences what was never there to begin with, and from nothingness, disbelief suggest zee polish antithesis, a cleansing.  In situ machine errands spin me, describing a sentient clock ticking, tocking, or cycling?

                What is not good?  That which is open to debate (‘that’s rhetorical!’).  High-demand serum, high-potency essencier (attuned to the local freakwensee) that the local freak went to see, attuned to the particle vector vibrations, nose all atweek.  Feel-good ways blast awhile before regularity claims subservience, nowowned by me, completely fragmentary to debate, taking both sides, seeing Janus, possessing and being possessed, giving and taking, no apologies, we all strive for our own perfection, even if it be at the hands of another (et tu…?)  Interference…thoughts…feelings…action necessitates…

   

             Christmas durations adorn a Douglas Fir, decorated especially for the 25^th imitation of the December imitations, desinence (“termination or ending; as in the final line of a verse”).  What luxury for the worth of sacrificial ideals? What slaughter, what umbrage would abdicate duration of loss-leadership?  Hard-heart distillation, off with the head, keep a little tail for complexity, aging potential.

               Go on, Tight-face, you emotionless, detached wad, you easy reader.  La fin du monde, celebrating civilization’s end, my New Year conflict resolution, tomorrow’s ornament, imitation, mirror modification.  ‘“I’m afraid,” she whispers. “Everything. My face in the mirror—when I was a child, they said not to look in the mirror too often or I’d see the Devil behind the glass…and…” glancing back at the white-flowered mirror behind them, “we have to cover it, please, can’t we cover it…that’s where they…especially at night—“’ Pynchon, T. Gravity’s Rainbow, p444.

               Who’s baby?  Whose interpretation?  How can I get through to her, especially at night, surrounded by cats, the Devil’s intermediaries, walking in her father’s footsteps, blind, smarting...

                Meanwhile, I run around photographing fall forgiveness, a rainbow in the sky, hoping to capture God’s abstract sense of humor, aperture gaping, making a change to make it seem as though there had been no change.  What is Forever maintaining?  Keeping it up… I pledge allegiance to a ghost in the night under covers.  I maintain there’s nothing I could know for Thomas’ sake.  Damned if you know, blessed if you don’t.  Hell, my primary education, kindergarten, where I lay smack.  Bully Bestoy, racing marbles, who’s first?  There can be only one in series and sequential imitations.  Dusty dreams, old saws, my problematic wing, more garments, more pests (pestilences, I think, they want me dead).  The sacerdotal mass debater, objection homily, on encouraging differences, schisms, leaving behind hot Aryans.